Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

cif85

PTN, I think you need to read "He's Just Not That Into You"...

If you were "The One" for him he would have left his wife by now....there are plenty more men out there who will be willing to share their entire lives with you, not just a measly fraction.

Have some self respect and move on, you won't regret it.

candygirl

purpletoenails wrote: »

Thanks all for your comments. I will reply to any specific questions tomorrow as I'm off out now and am unlikely to be able to type in a straight line when I get in later. I've noticed a couple of posters seem to have very vivid imaginations though!!

Pot and kettle me thinks:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

victory

ab7 wrote: »

Hi Denton,

Been there, worn that tshirt.
Just wanted to say to you to breathe and remember what you are going through is a type of grief. Best thing my doc ever explained to me. It's the grief of the life you thought you had/would have, as well as the grief of the life for your boys. It took me over 2 years to begin to feel the light at the end of the tunnel. If ex had died would still be hard as on yourself? Because he is still around you are not able to move on. (not saying you should off contact etc).
Be gentle with yourself. I know it seems like they have all the time to get on, dont seem to have the same problems we do. But they also dont get the same respect or love from their kids like we do. Stay strong but remember you're only human big hugs and most important you are not alone. I know the nights are worst so go onto here or somewhere like here

That is so right, it is like a death only you have to keep seeing him for the sake of the kids, he will be there at their weddings etc, it is a process and in death for example there is anger, resentment, shock, guilt, pain, depression,longing and then there is acceptance it is a whole spectrum of emotions, how you deal with each one is crucial to your recovery.

Not everyone experiences every single one some much more than others, deeper than others but they are all there and at some stage one will hit you like a train and derail you badly. Acknowledge it, work with it, fight with it and accept it.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Relate-After-Affair-Build-Relationships/dp/0091856728
http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/review-of-how-to-survive-an-affair/
http://womensinfidelity.com/

affair support groups in your area http://www.facebook.com/pages/Healing-From-Affairs/126889170659190

It feels like the end but it is not. The beauty of life is it's twists and turns:D


There are books to help you

victory

cif85 wrote: »

PTN, I think you need to read "He's Just Not That Into You"...

If you were "The One" for him he would have left his wife by now....there are plenty more men out there who will be willing to share their entire lives with you, not just a measly fraction.

Have some self respect and move on, you won't regret it.

What about http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/MISTRESSES-SERIES-1-3-BOX-SET-DVD-NEW-FREE-P-P-/150482607888?pt=UK_CDsDVDs_DVDs_DVDs_GL&hash=item2309765f10#ht_2149wt_1396

layton55

purpletoenails wrote: »

Maybe I didn't phrase that quite right, perhaps I should have said they will go their seperate ways in a couple of years time. I don't think he is cold and calculating - I think he is doing what he thinks is the best he can for his children at the moment. She has in the past thrown him out, on one particular occasion literally physically thrown him out, and the children had to intervene to calm her down (this was when we were just friends and had nothing to do with me)

He doesn't always run his wife down to me, he doesn't sit around and tell me how awful she is in order to try and hoodwink me into feeling sorry for him. If he tells me about a specific incident then I may empathise, but my opinion is always try and sort it out or if it's that bad then leave the relationship (as it would be for anybody telling me their relationship woes)

I also don't think he should be ruined financially or emotionally for what he is doing, I don't think he deserves that. He knows that having an affair is wrong, he often feels guilty. He may be doing it for selfish reasons, because it makes him happy and in his own words 'keeps him sane', but he is not doing it out of malice or spite or in order to ruin lives. Whatever happens between us, my opinion of him as a person is not going to change.

PTN - sorry it's been a while since I logged in but I have been keeping up with your updates. I hope you're doing ok, I know how hard it must be. It's been nearly 3 months for us having NC (well, LC as we work together) and although I say to myself and everyone that it's ended, we have never officially said it to each other and so it seems unfinished. I have also set myself a deadline which I'm not going to tell him about as i don't want to influence his decision. And in any case - I'm doing it for me, I don't need him to enable me to move on. What happens on that date and after I have no idea. I like to think I can just walk away but if the feelings are still there between us like it clearly seems to be for you guys then I know it'll be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.

I've quoted your notes here because you've touched on a side of the 'cheating husband' and affairs that not many people see or understand. Your MM sounds very similar to mine. The guilt they feel, the fact that they don't just !!!!! about their wives, that it's not all about sex, that they're good fathers and husbands (apart from the affair of course).

Point is, it's not all black and white. I wouldn't want my MM to leave his wife and kids for me - that's not the guy I've fallen for. Those guys that do are irresponsible and unreliable. The ones who commit to trying to make their M work before doing anything dramatic are the ones taking things seriously, and trying to make a considered decision that can only be best for everyone involved. Whether that is stay in marriage or leave it. It has to be for them, not the 'OW'.

Stay strong PTN. I think you're doing the right thing for what it's worth.

Errata

The ones who commit to trying to make their M work before doing anything dramatic are the ones taking things seriously,

Taking things seriously means not jumping into the sack with another women whilst staying with their wife and continuing to jump into the sack with her.

seven-day-weekend

Errata wrote: »

Taking things seriously means not jumping into the sack with another women whilst staying with their wife and continuing to jump into the sack with her.[/QUOTE

Absolutely. 'Taking things seriously' means keeping the promises he made to his wife, whether formally in front of a minister or implied in front of a registrar.

Not whether to trade her in for a newer model.

layton55

Errata wrote: »

Taking things seriously means not jumping into the sack with another women whilst staying with their wife and continuing to jump into the sack with her.

true and that's the beauty of hindsight. wouldn't we all be perfect if we didn't make mistakes! but we do make mistakes. whilst it's not ideal it's how we go about rectifying those mistakes that matter. and for your information we didn't just jump in the sack. it was 6 months after we started anything emotional and it was just the one time. straight after, we said we had to end it so he could concentrate on trying to make the M work.

rachbc

[QUOTE
I've quoted your notes here because you've touched on a side of the 'cheating husband' and affairs that not many people see or understand. Your MM sounds very similar to mine. The guilt they feel, the fact that they don't just !!!!! about their wives, that it's not all about sex, that they're good fathers and husbands (apart from the affair of course).

Point is, it's not all black and white. I wouldn't want my MM to leave his wife and kids for me - that's not the guy I've fallen for. Those guys that do are irresponsible and unreliable. The ones who commit to trying to make their M work before doing anything dramatic are the ones taking things seriously, and trying to make a considered decision that can only be best for everyone involved. Whether that is stay in marriage or leave it. It has to be for them, not the 'OW'.

.[/QUOTE]

Good fathers don't shag about - they spend time with their children not their mistresses, good husbands don't have affairs - lives get far more wreaked by deceit and the discovery of that deceit and the sense that the past however many years has been a lie than they do by a clean break. Thats the most crazy bit of self delusion I've ever read - he's too much of a nice guy to leave his wife - if he was such a nice guy he's have kept it in his pants - don't you get it???

layton55

[/QUOTE]Good fathers don't shag about - they spend time with their children not their mistresses, good husbands don't have affairs - lives get far more wreaked by deceit and the discovery of that deceit and the sense that the past however many years has been a lie than they do by a clean break. Thats the most crazy bit of self delusion I've ever read - he's too much of a nice guy to leave his wife - if he was such a nice guy he's have kept it in his pants - don't you get it???[/QUOTE]

we never saw each other evenings or weekends, just during work time or if his W and kids were away. of course deceit and discovery is damaging. i've never said it isn't but he didn't wait to be discovered. he came clean 2 weeks into our EA. and yes we have ended and started many times and that we know is wrong. do we regret it? only the hurt and pain we've caused those involved but we don't regret the feelings we have. whatever happens i believe i came into his life for reason and that could be to make him realise what he has with W and kids is worth saving and they grow stronger as a unit or he is meant to be with someone else. either way, it means a man and a father being happy in himself enough to be the best father he can be to his kids. too many people stay in unhappy marriages for their kids (mine included) and it is the most damaging thing it can do for them. resentment and distance builds whether you see it or not. parents are better off being seperated if it means they're happier people in themselves and thus stronger role models and more emotionally available for their kids. surely you can't argue with that?