Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

neverdespairgirl

layton55 wrote: »

whatever happens i believe i came into his life for reason and that could be to make him realise what he has with W and kids is worth saving and they grow stronger as a unit or he is meant to be with someone else. either way, it means a man and a father being happy in himself enough to be the best father he can be to his kids. too many people stay in unhappy marriages for their kids (mine included) and it is the most damaging thing it can do for them. resentment and distance builds whether you see it or not. parents are better off being seperated if it means they're happier people in themselves and thus stronger role models and more emotionally available for their kids. surely you can't argue with that?

I find your self-justification almost amusing.

The idea that you could be doing the wife a favour by making the husband realise that he's better off building his marriage. Words (almost) fail me. The extend of that delusion is either pathetic or frightening.

You didn't "come into his life" in the sense you mean it. You, rather, chose to insert yourself in his family's life.

Don't get me wrong, it's certainly his fault more than yours. But the way you try to justify it is pathetic.

Parents are better off being separated if it means they are happier people in themselves - perhaps. It all depends on the circumstances. Having a quick shag and a long emotional affair behind the family's back isn't quite the same thing as an open and honest decision to separate, though.

neverdespairgirl

layton55 wrote: »

Those guys that do are irresponsible and unreliable. The ones who commit to trying to make their M work before doing anything dramatic are the ones taking things seriously, and trying to make a considered decision that can only be best for everyone involved. Whether that is stay in marriage or leave it. It has to be for them, not the 'OW'.

Are you serious? Your married man, and PTN's are somehow responsibile and reliable, because they have affairs?

"commit to trying to make their marriages work" and "best for everyone involved", and "trying to make a considered decision", etc. All admirable. All utterly irrelevant in regard to married men like yours and PTNs who shag around INSTEAD of doing any of that.

Errata

Doesn't the bit kon the side always try to justify it? All they ever seem to say is "it is, it isn't , we don't, they don't, we are, we arent" it's always so stereotypical.

mountainofdebt

layton55 wrote: »

I've quoted your notes here because you've touched on a side of the 'cheating husband' and affairs that not many people see or understand. Your MM sounds very similar to mine. The guilt they feel, the fact that they don't just !!!!! about their wives, that it's not all about sex, that they're good fathers and husbands (apart from the affair of course).

Point is, it's not all black and white. I wouldn't want my MM to leave his wife and kids for me - that's not the guy I've fallen for. Those guys that do are irresponsible and unreliable. The ones who commit to trying to make their M work before doing anything dramatic are the ones taking things seriously, and trying to make a considered decision that can only be best for everyone involved. Whether that is stay in marriage or leave it. It has to be for them, not the 'OW'.

Stay strong PTN. I think you're doing the right thing for what it's worth.

You see this is the bit I really don't get - when the OW defends the MM and tries to tell the world that he really is a good father and husband but should be pitied becuase of the guilt that he's feeling.

So why doesn't he come clean about the affair and eieither either a) stop the affair or b) end the marriage


Of course what he could do, is if he's that unhappy in the marriage then he could either a) try to repair his marriage and/ or b) have the decency to end the marriage before starting a new relationship

Some people really do try and defend the indefensible don't they?

neverdespairgirl

Errata wrote: »

Doesn't the bit kon the side always try to justify it? All they ever seem to say is "it is, it isn't , we don't, they don't, we are, we arent" it's always so stereotypical.

You might well be right. It's still pretty awful, though.

layton55

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I find your self-justification almost amusing.

The idea that you could be doing the wife a favour by making the husband realise that he's better off building his marriage. Words (almost) fail me. The extend of that delusion is either pathetic or frightening.

You didn't "come into his life" in the sense you mean it. You, rather, chose to insert yourself in his family's life.

Don't get me wrong, it's certainly his fault more than yours. But the way you try to justify it is pathetic.

Parents are better off being separated if it means they are happier people in themselves - perhaps. It all depends on the circumstances. Having a quick shag and a long emotional affair behind the family's back isn't quite the same thing as an open and honest decision to separate, though.

as i said in a previous post, the world would just be perfect and lovely if no one made mistakes but that is unrealistic and unfortunately people, you and I included do. so what matters is how you go about rectifying the mistakes you made. 'doing his wife a favour' are not my words, they're yours. if you google 'affair saved my marriage' then you might understand why some betrayed spouses do in fact see the positives that have come out of the affair. because it made the couples realise what is missing from their M, that they can then work through together...for the better.

clearingout

layton55 wrote: »

PTN - sorry it's been a while since I logged in but I have been keeping up with your updates. I hope you're doing ok, I know how hard it must be. It's been nearly 3 months for us having NC (well, LC as we work together) and although I say to myself and everyone that it's ended, we have never officially said it to each other and so it seems unfinished. I have also set myself a deadline which I'm not going to tell him about as i don't want to influence his decision. And in any case - I'm doing it for me, I don't need him to enable me to move on. What happens on that date and after I have no idea. I like to think I can just walk away but if the feelings are still there between us like it clearly seems to be for you guys then I know it'll be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.

I've quoted your notes here because you've touched on a side of the 'cheating husband' and affairs that not many people see or understand. Your MM sounds very similar to mine. The guilt they feel, the fact that they don't just !!!!! about their wives, that it's not all about sex, that they're good fathers and husbands (apart from the affair of course).

Point is, it's not all black and white. I wouldn't want my MM to leave his wife and kids for me - that's not the guy I've fallen for. Those guys that do are irresponsible and unreliable. The ones who commit to trying to make their M work before doing anything dramatic are the ones taking things seriously, and trying to make a considered decision that can only be best for everyone involved. Whether that is stay in marriage or leave it. It has to be for them, not the 'OW'.

Stay strong PTN. I think you're doing the right thing for what it's worth.

Madness! You haven't got a clue! My ex had an affair for at least 2 years before leaving me. During those two years he never once 'tried to make it work'...he just grew more and more distant and worked harder and harder (or so I thought! obviously he wasn't working at all!) and I blamed the distance on the work (not unreasonably) and I got on with bringing up our young family. I would hazard a guess he knew what he had to lose and that somewhere along the line, the ow gave an ultimatum which he went with. Is he happy? Not if his continued abuse of me is anything to go by (nearly 3 years now, and counting). Is she happy? Well, she used to turn up on my doorstep or call me every time they had an argument so I can only assume there are pieces of the puzzle she'd like fitting together. I never spoke with her, always sent her away until I'd had enough and sent her a solicitor's letter which threatened court action if she continued to harass me. Not heard from her in over a year now.

I am pretty sure that I could have split them up if I'd wanted to, simply by putting those puzzle pieces together for her. But why do that for her? She got what she wanted - secondhand husband, a man she will never be able to trust, a liar, a man who refuses to support his children, a bully, an angry and abusive man....take your pick. I think they both got exactly what they deserved - each other. :rotfl:

layton55

clearingout wrote: »

My ex had an affair for at least 2 years before leaving me. During those two years he never once 'tried to make it work'...he just grew more and more distant and worked harder and harder (or so I thought! obviously he wasn't working at all!) and I blamed the distance on the work (not unreasonably) and I got on with bringing up our young family. I would hazard a guess he knew what he had to lose and that somewhere along the line, the ow gave an ultimatum which he went with:rotfl:

i am sorry to hear that you were left to bring up your family. this is exactly the situation that cannot and will not happen. none of us will let it. his kids have always been the priority in all of this. believe me. i'm sorry also that your ex didn't really try to make it work. my MM has been going to MC for the last 6mnths and we have truly cut contact for the last 3months (apart from LC at work). i will never give him an ultimatum. that's not the way. hope you and your family are in a good place now

seven-day-weekend

layton55 wrote: »

as i said in a previous post, the world would just be perfect and lovely if no one made mistakes but that is unrealistic and unfortunately people, you and I included do. so what matters is how you go about rectifying the mistakes you made. 'doing his wife a favour' are not my words, they're yours. if you google 'affair saved my marriage' then you might understand why some betrayed spouses do in fact see the positives that have come out of the affair. because it made the couples realise what is missing from their M, that they can then work through together...for the better.

I do agree that it is important to learn from your mistakes and not repeat them. What I don't agree with is that an affair can be in any way justified.

Errata

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I do agree that it is important to learn from your mistakes and not repeat them. What I don't agree with is that an affair can be in any way justified.

Of course it can't be justified, it's called having your cake and eating it.