Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

denton6

victory wrote: »

When I bowed out I thought of one more friend, it was many a year ago, her OH had an affair, as far as she was concerned the marriage was going along just fine and one night he never came home.....

She found out he had spent the night with a woman he had met at the pub, her whole life seemed to crash down around her, she had two lovely little girls young girls and was in rented accomodation,(so she was made homeless also and less financially secure)

she used to sit in my kitchen and sob, her kids used to sob with her, her kids asked for daddy, she just kept going over and over the same thing again, completely dissecting her whole relationship with him, how many times they had rowed, what that meant, what did he mean when he said this, am I Such a bad person, why would he does this?

Every day for months her life seemed to be a broken record, stuck in asking over and over again, she wanted to speak to him, she made lists of questions, she begged, she pleaded, she tried to use the kids for him to come back, he offered her money until she got back on her feet.

She lost her self confidence, her pride, her dignity, her reasoning, her kids were without an attentive mum, her own mother came to look after her because she seemed to crash to the floor, unable to get up again, she was put on meds, she had counselling, she was in a real state.

She stopped taking care of herself, going out, she thought everyone knew and was talking about her and became paranoid, aggresive, angry, every time she spoke she was bitter and sour and twisted everything anyone tried to do for her.

In the end, we parted company (she has after a few years got back on the right path and is happily single with her girls, not trusting any man ever again)

She became damaged and everyone around her was affected, she will never have a happy life again, well at not least as the one she thought she had when she was happily married.

think your friend may now be me. dont think i will ever get over what he did to me and my boys and live with this every single second of every day and it kills. just wish my whole life would end.

POPPYOSCAR

jonty1970 wrote: »

Does she care?>
I doubt it

PTN comes across as a wimp
Wants the man, whatever it cost (not to her, it's his real family and children who will suffer)

Typical "other woman" wants that man, whatever it costs!

Selfish, deluded and strung along and happy with the scraps that the man gives them

Thinks they are special. The One!

Pathetic!

leaving this thread. I thought PTN was different, but she has shown she is a typical slapper. Willing to take the scraps some sad man throws them

I respect your opinion but feel this type of comment in uncalled for.

POPPYOSCAR

denton6 wrote: »

think your friend may now be me. dont think i will ever get over what he did to me and my boys and live with this every single second of every day and it kills. just wish my whole life would end.

It is possible to get over it and I hope with time you do.

Why would you want your life to end when you have your children to love and cherish and who love and cherish you? No man is worth feeling like that about, and YOU are worth more than that.

Wickedkitten

denton6 wrote: »

think your friend may now be me. dont think i will ever get over what he did to me and my boys and live with this every single second of every day and it kills. just wish my whole life would end.

He's so not worth it. It might not seem like it now, but you can get over it and hopefully for the sake of your boys you will. Doing otherwise would be letting him win, and surely you don't want that?

Pollycat

denton6 wrote: »

think your friend may now be me. dont think i will ever get over what he did to me and my boys and live with this every single second of every day and it kills. just wish my whole life would end.

Denton
you sound so sad.

I think I read some of your thread from a while ago.

It must be very hard when you still have to have contact with your ex because of your boys.

What are you doing to try to rebuild your life?
Do you have a good circle of friends?
Have you joined any groups or classes?

Unfortunately, you have no option but to get over it - you have your boys to think of.

Wishing you all the best.

victory

denton6 wrote: »

think your friend may now be me. dont think i will ever get over what he did to me and my boys and live with this every single second of every day and it kills. just wish my whole life would end.

I never put my friends story on to upset you, I am sorry. My friend had hell of a time of it and she did alienate family and friends because she was so intent on revenge, answers, it took over her whole life, she never spoke about anything else, she tried all sorts to 'track him down' each way of doing it that little bit more zany, people started to avoid her, not through lack of sympathy because she lost it, she started to spit venom, she would go to the bank and try to ruin him, she would tell anyone that would listen about their intimate life together, she would make up stories, it was so very one sided she caused herself immense pain.

But.....time made her calmer, her girls made her focus, her ex made her try to be reasonable, he did take the time to see her and try to explain things and gave her money, her whole life from that one night down the pub when he did not come home changed, she now lives alone with her girls, has had to rebuild friendships or give up on them all together as she caused irreparable damage to them, she lives with it.

She has a job and friends and fun along the way, she got rid of anything including photos that were around for her to remember him by, she fought to keep the family alive and lost, her girls were inconsolable but now they see dad and life has more normality to it.

Please don't let this submerge you, get counselling, write it all down and tear it up and throw it away, talk to everyone and anyone, you will reach acceptance one day where even though your heart is breaking, you just have to reach the conclusion that it is what it is, that does not mean that everyone is out there to cause you pain or not be able to trust them.

You have to give some of yourself to get some back.

Get hobbies, go for a walk in the park, get the boys friends over to play or a sleep over, just do one tiny little thing per day that makes you smile, take a bath longer than usual, do your nails, write a blog, sort out your photos, look forward to xmas, organize a mini break, think about next summers hols, watch back to back your fav tv shows, get a haircut, buy a dog so you have something to look after that will be loyal.

Don't forget 'the best revenge is to live a happy full life'

basketcase

Read before you shoot me down!

To some degree I think I can see where ptn is coming from...

I started out in roughly the same position once. There was someone I met through work. We were both having a (genuinely) really rough time in our respective marriages. We became friends and, over a period of time, realised we were each the person that the other one should have married. If we'd been free, we would have done so. But we weren't free.

My husband and I divorced during our friendship. I met his wife a few times. We'd never have gelled as we we were nothing alike and she was possibly depressed, which didn't help matters. The big thing was that she was (almost certainly) involved with one of his male relatives - so she plainly wasn't happy either. Most people at work were aware of their problems as things came to a head at a work's event. There were no children involved. However, they were both practising Catholics and divorce was out of the question. I respected that.

There were very good (contractual) reasons why neither of us could go elsewhere for quite a while. We did consider a full-blown affair, but decided against it. So what do you do?

So far, I can understand how these things happen in all innocence. BUT:

1 We didn't swap phone numbers after a seminar, we grew together over months of working together.
2 We saw each other every day at work and had (honestly) no choice but to stay 'in contact', as opposed to getting in touch, playing computer games whilst spouses were in the same room etc.
3 We made a conscious decision NEVER EVER to have sex, or cross any moral line. We had to live with ourselves.
4 He supported me as a friend through the cr*p I was going through and stopped me from losing my self-confidence by giving me a male perspective on how unreasonable my ex's behaviour actually was.
5 I gave him support as a friend to rebuild what he could of his marriage and steered him towards finding things to replace what he hadn't got that didn't involve suicide by alcohol & nicotine.
6 We couldn't avoid each other, but we worked towards breaking things off, because we knew that we'd have to when it became feasible. When it was possible for one of us (me, as it happened) to leave, we kissed goodbye and EVEN THOUGH WE WERE IN THE SAME CITY - not miles apart - we never saw each other again. And it hurt and was empty. For quite a long time.

I'm not trying to make out that we were martyrs. We couldn't be together the way we wanted to and couldn't settle for anything less. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. There wasn't a backwards glance. Not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't dare.

So I can see how you got where you are - and sympathise.

But, PTN, I can't see why you stay there. Yes, it would be hard emotionally but, practically speaking, it'd be a doddle to cut off communication if you were serious.

Also, you say he works bloody hard to keep his kids in material comfort. Others have pointed out that material comfort isn't enough.

But, have you stopped to consider that one of the reasons he has to work so hard and is so stressed is that, in order to provide this, he has to make up for all the hours he SAYS he's working when he's actually with you/on the phone to you etc. If he didn't THEY'D FIND OUT because their standard of living would drop. And, of course, the longer he has to work to make up for the lost time he's spent with you, the less time he has to be there for them.

Apologies, all. Didn't really want to blether on about me. Hopefully it'll give those who can't see how things escalated an insight into how easy it can be; maybe even to see that genuine, sincere men do get into a similar position to OP's squeeze. And I hope it'll show PTN that even those who sympathise can see holes in her arguments of which she - understandably - isn't aware.

Shall duck behind the parapet and await the flames...

seven-day-weekend

HE IS NOT EVER GOING TO VOLUNTARILY LEAVE HIS WIFE.

He would have done so a long time ago if he was going to.

Purpletoenails will continue to be his bit on the side and he will continue his real life at home with his wife and family, who are obviously more important to him than PTN, otherwise he would be with her and not them.

She just scratches an itch really. Very sad for all concerned other than the bloke who has the best of both worlds.

clearingout

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

But Jonty, if she does that she might destroy a family.

I think that family is all but destroyed anyway. They're certainly living a lie. I lived that lie for at least 2 years and when I look back, everything we did during that time, every holiday, day out, meal out, snuggle on the sofa means nothing at all. It means nothing because he wasn't 100% with us. So why did he bother? That's 2 years of my life wiped out, 2 years of my children's lives wiped out. All for nothing. I don't deserve those memories to be ruined in that way.

I have every empathy for PTN but I have far more for this man's wife and his family. It is a rotten situation and no, there will be no happy ending. PTN - walk away with your head held high and your dignity intact. You have that opportunity right now - it won't be there forever.

ab7

denton6 wrote: »

think your friend may now be me. dont think i will ever get over what he did to me and my boys and live with this every single second of every day and it kills. just wish my whole life would end.

Hi Denton,

Been there, worn that tshirt.
Just wanted to say to you to breathe and remember what you are going through is a type of grief. Best thing my doc ever explained to me. It's the grief of the life you thought you had/would have, as well as the grief of the life for your boys. It took me over 2 years to begin to feel the light at the end of the tunnel. If ex had died would still be hard as on yourself? Because he is still around you are not able to move on. (not saying you should off contact etc).
Be gentle with yourself. I know it seems like they have all the time to get on, dont seem to have the same problems we do. But they also dont get the same respect or love from their kids like we do. Stay strong but remember you're only human big hugs and most important you are not alone. I know the nights are worst so go onto here or somewhere like here

PTN Ive watched this thread knowing exactly the outcome because I know someone like you except without kids. She makes all the excuses like you do, he wont leave for the kids blah blah blah. Two now fairly long term relationships. She's now bitter she doesnt have kids but of course both the men did!
You are just selfish and you do know it. Such a great example to your daughter - not only of what women do, but also how men should treat women and what is acceptable in families.