Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Elle7

Your last post says everything that needs to be said.

He has children who you will admit do not want him to leave. They are actively trying to keep their parents together. You admit that it isn't going anywhere, and you should walk away. Yet you have absolutely no intention of doing that, and can't see how that makes you worse then just 'not ideal'.

This man is someone else's husband, and someone's else's father. If you were childless, it might be understandable that you hadn't spent much time around children and didn't know how much this is going to effect them - him leaving years ago might have been a shock, but would have been a lot less painful then him dragging this out for years. Because when they find out, they will work out that they have been lied too for years, and that will hurt. If their relationship survives that, I'd be very surprised. You've got a daughter, surely you can see how this would affect her, if she was his child?

You've got no intention of changing anything. You will either forever be his bit on the side, preventing him from committing to his family properly, and slowly dis-ravelling their future, or you'll split up a family for entirely selfish reasons.

Being bad is subjective. I should think even the very worst people don't consider themselves bad. But you can't argue that it's not morally corrupt to continue as you are, and you can't defend him or yourself, because it just shows how bitter this has made you. You could be happy, and lovely, and have a man of your own, but instead you've picked someone else's husband, and as the thread goes on the change in you is apparant. You've gone from wondering if it was right to realizing it isn't and walking away, and then running back and effectively sticking your middle finger up at his family.

Just one thing baffles me - how can you believe him when he says he loves you? He stood in a church and made that vow to his wife, and he will still tell her now. It must be believable for her. So either he's telling the truth to her and telling you to keep you on side, or he's convincingly lying to her, in which case he's very practised at it and is probably doing the same to you.

There are men who are unhappy at home. Most of them walk away before they start new relationships. The ones that don't aren't worth having - the grass is always greener, there is always a reason that they can't leave. He is in the second category. He wants his cake and to eat it - this is shown by the fact that he is still sleeping with you both. A really failing marriage, that, with holidays and intimacy. You fit in when he needs you. It's just a shame that over 143 pages, we couldn't show you that when you actually need him, he won't be there. I didn't want you to have to find that out for yourself, as I'd imagine it's a very distressing realization.

gratefulforhelp_2

purpletoenails wrote: »

And I'd have no problem with him being in touch with his family, why would I?

Shame? Embarassment?

purpletoenails wrote: »

we don't care about anyone elses feelings.

I have taken this quote out of context, but it IS the case.

What has been less helpful are the sometimes very personal comments along the way.

You are really surprised?

While I agree that doing something bad doesn't make a bad person, some people can't see that, and the longer it goes on, the more it looks like you are just paying lip service to the idea that adultery is wrong.

rachbc

I suspect my FIL styaed with his wife for the 'sake of the children' whilst conducting his 21 year affair - I cannot begine to explain what the discovery of the past has done to his adult children - they basically feel their entire childhood has been a lie - they have both had counselling and for one of them their relationship with their father has been ruined. Their own relationships have been but under huge stress. Nothing will ever be the same for the boys and the dad they adored.

If he really wanted what was best for the chldren he wouldn't be shagging someone who isn't their mother! If he wanted the next best think he would have left immediately the affair started and made a good financial settlement to enable them to continue with their education etc. he has done neither which speaks volumes about your relationship and about him as a person.

POPPYOSCAR

purpletoenails wrote: »

Yes he probably has made a rod for his own back, but that's just the way things are, he's got no option now but to keep doing it for the time being.

Sorry, but I do not agree with you here.

If it is all too much for him and he is having to work so many hours that he is extremely stressed, that benefits no one.We have been in that position ourselves and came to realize that it was just not worth it.

Time is the most precious commodity we have and IMO should be spent with those we love as much as possible.

His children are of an age where his wife could be working as well, and sharing the load. If not, then they could scale back their lifestyle.

I know you love him, but I do feel that he is making excuses and /or he is as someone else said , a weak person, and you are making excuses for him.

To go back to the original post. I do think that affairs can have a happy ending for some, but it is not looking that way, from what you have said so far, for you in the short term. I think your happy ending would be to finish it now and leave yourself emotionally free to meet up with someone else who can commit to you in the way that you need.

A teacher once said to us that there was not just one person who would be 'the love of your life' many people could fulfill that role, and I think she was right.

jetplane

I think you've answered your original question PTN.

I'm probably going to get criticized for what I'm about to write, but as a long time lurker on these forums I know that I can also expect some sensible and honest opinions.

Yes you have been criticised but I think overall you have had a huge amount of support and some sensible and honest opinions.

I have been having a relationship with a married man for some time now and I'm starting to get fed up with the situation and wonder if this is all it's ever going to be.

Yes it would seem in your case its all its ever going to be, even more so that you have now shown him that you will accept whatever he is prepared to offer.

How likely is it that a married man would leave his wife for the 'other woman', How do I know if he's serious about me or just toying with me?

Your married man is not going to leave his wife for the 'other woman'. He has given you every classic excuse there is.

You now know that he is toying with you as you appear to be his hobby. He can relax with you, chill out, enjoy himself and recharge his batteries when he needs to, without it interfering in the rest of his life. In fact you might send him back to his wife refreshed and raring to go - a bit like a spa weekend.

My husbands hobby is fishing, but hey, thats also about baiting the fish and reeling it in and he would like to go more than a couple of times a month but he's pushed for time.

I know he does love me, but that's not always enough is it?

No love is not always enough especially when he has a family who he loves and who love him, lives with, provides for, goes on holiday with, celebrates with.

I am really torn at the moment whether to let things carry on, or to walk away.

You're no longer torn and have decided to let things carry on. You will use a hundred and one excuses to convince yourself that its OK morally, ethically etc, but thats human nature, we do it to justify our decisions. Like buying a pair of expensive shoes that we don't really need.

paddy's_mum

euronorris wrote: »

And me.

I don't feel that I can any value to the conversation. There is nothing left to be said, that hasn't been said already.

PTN knows what she needs to do for her own, and his and his family's, happiness but is choosing not to. So, as far as I can tell, this thread has run it's course.

I withdrew 120 pages worth back on the basis that you cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped. My time is better spent on people who really want to hear.


Only the foolish learn from experience - the wise learn from the experience of others.

euronorris

Sorry, there is just one other thing I wanted to say, and that is that ending friendships with people who are in an affair isn't always entirely about the moral aspect. Often, it can also be very painful to watch a close friend make the same mistake time after time, get terribly hurt, only to go back to the situation that hurt them. To have them constantly ask for advice on what to do, and ignore it every time and appear truly shocked that it's 'happened to them again'. It gets too much, and kills the friendship. When you're asked for your opinion and advice, and you have it dismissed every time, you start to feel undervalued as a friend.

Also, I sometimes think it is better for people to not that have a support network that tells them it's OK, console them and pick up the peices each time. It's a form of enabling in my mind. Like it's OK for them to act that way, and it'll be OK if they get hurt cos X and X will be there to help them through it. Some people really do consider their actions more carefully when they have to be more independent.

ETA: A'nd that's it. Just wanted to add that bit and now I'm bowing out.

lostinrates

purpletoenails wrote: »

Yes he probably has made a rod for his own back, but that's just the way things are, he's got no option now but to keep doing it for the time being.

Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish.

and you know it: you left a man, you didn't stay with the rod you'd made for your own back ''for your children''.

There is always choice, it might not be a palatable choice, but there are very, very few occasions where there is no option.

lostinrates

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

A teacher once said to us that there was not just one person who would be 'the love of your life' many people could fulfill that role, and I think she was right.

Me too. Another, very, very excellent thing I was once told, which I just typed out and deleted, was from a very reliegious person who had also found out her daughter had had an affair. It was about love. And I've deleted it because its precious to me. But since I heard this at about 20 years old it what helped me walk away from my could have been but never was affair, and when I met dh at first I'm not a hundred percent sure I would have recognised it with out that pearl of wisdom. The thing is, its a painful one for most people, and I don't think it would be helpful to most people to share it, but every relationship I've ever come across holds true to it.

That's mean isn't it...to be so obscure. Oh well.:D

victory

When I bowed out I thought of one more friend, it was many a year ago, her OH had an affair, as far as she was concerned the marriage was going along just fine and one night he never came home.....

She found out he had spent the night with a woman he had met at the pub, her whole life seemed to crash down around her, she had two lovely little girls young girls and was in rented accomodation,(so she was made homeless also and less financially secure)

she used to sit in my kitchen and sob, her kids used to sob with her, her kids asked for daddy, she just kept going over and over the same thing again, completely dissecting her whole relationship with him, how many times they had rowed, what that meant, what did he mean when he said this, am I Such a bad person, why would he does this?

Every day for months her life seemed to be a broken record, stuck in asking over and over again, she wanted to speak to him, she made lists of questions, she begged, she pleaded, she tried to use the kids for him to come back, he offered her money until she got back on her feet.

She lost her self confidence, her pride, her dignity, her reasoning, her kids were without an attentive mum, her own mother came to look after her because she seemed to crash to the floor, unable to get up again, she was put on meds, she had counselling, she was in a real state.

She stopped taking care of herself, going out, she thought everyone knew and was talking about her and became paranoid, aggresive, angry, every time she spoke she was bitter and sour and twisted everything anyone tried to do for her.

In the end, we parted company (she has after a few years got back on the right path and is happily single with her girls, not trusting any man ever again)

She became damaged and everyone around her was affected, she will never have a happy life again, well at not least as the one she thought she had when she was happily married.