Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

purpletoenails

mountainofdebt wrote: »

But a leopard changes its spots.....didn't you know that??

So from now on, I'll only be dating married men then?

POPPYOSCAR

mountainofdebt wrote: »

But a leopard changes its spots.....didn't you know that??

We have had this discussion many times before, not everyone who has an affair goes on to do it again.

purpletoenails

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

But that is his choice to do that, he could work less hours and they would just have to accept it. Just because they 'expect' a certain standard of living does not mean he has to give it to them.He is making a rod for his own back. I know of parents who say this, but really they do it because it is what they want to do, and they use the family as an excuse.

Being a good husband and father to me is not about providing a family with everything they want financially.

Yes he probably has made a rod for his own back, but that's just the way things are, he's got no option now but to keep doing it for the time being.

cazziebo

purpletoenails wrote: »

Yes he probably has made a rod for his own back, but that's just the way things are, he's got no option now but to keep doing it for the time being.

So he's not just a sh*t who cheats on his wife, he's a weak sh*t?

Can you remind us again why you are pursuing this married man so relentlessly?

purpletoenails

cazziebo wrote: »

So he's not just a sh*t who cheats on his wife, he's a weak sh*t?

Can you remind us again why you are pursuing this married man so relentlessly?

So he should just stop paying for the mortgage, school fees, cars etc? how exactly would that benefit anybody?

Kay_Peel

Finding out that your OH/friend/parent has been involved with another for years is rather like finding out that she or he has been stealing from you or employers/clients/people that they had a duty of care to.

There is the shock of learning of that you have been deceived by the one person whom you thought you could rely on and trust. They have hoodwinked the world into thinking of them as a particular kind of person when all along they have been another kind. You, as their friend, child or partner, feel foolish because you've been strung along. The past few years have been a lie. You believed in them and now they are diminished in your eyes.

I've turned my back on adulterers because they were not the person they pretended to be, and I didn't like what I had discovered about them. Nothing to do with morals or disapproval and everything to do with contempt for con-artists.

neverdespairgirl

purpletoenails wrote: »

I don't think he is cold and calculating - I think he is doing what he thinks is the best he can for his children at the moment. She has in the past thrown him out, on one particular occasion literally physically thrown him out, and the children had to intervene to calm her down (this was when we were just friends and had nothing to do with me)

He doesn't always run his wife down to me, he doesn't sit around and tell me how awful she is in order to try and hoodwink me into feeling sorry for him. If he tells me about a specific incident then I may empathise, but my opinion is always try and sort it out or if it's that bad then leave the relationship (as it would be for anybody telling me their relationship woes)

How on earth is having an affair with you the best for his children? That can't in any way possibly be good for them, let alone the best.

And of course you aren't going to hear anything good about his wife. One hardly decides to tell to one's mistress the tales of happy marriage, surely?

cazziebo

purpletoenails wrote: »

So he should just stop paying for the mortgage, school fees, cars etc? how exactly would that benefit anybody?

I'm assuming it was his or at least a joint choice for his kids to be privately educated? His choice to provide that home for his kids? I assume he did have a say in which car?

His choice, his responsibilities. His cost if he walks away from them.

You asked the question about whether an affair every has a happy ending. I think you're getting to your answer.

Money_maker

So we're talking a guy with a lot of dosh here. Guess that may be attractive to some.

Thing to remember here is that PTN doesn't know the wife or family. All information and stories are secondhand. She cannot say 100% that the wife threw him out, that the wife is loopy (may be him on the DV side) or that the children receive everything they want (of the non-financial variety). He can pick his tales of woe at leisure knowing he has to be believed. Because he says he loves her (does money talk?).

This reminds me of a post a year or two back about a woman whose OH was having an affair. He treated his wife badly and kept boomeranging between the two. Wife lost all self respect by grovelling to try to get him to return. Loads of posters advised her she was well shot of him but she wouldn't listen. Really broke her heart, his behaviour. Similarity being not the affair but the ability of the poster to come up with excuse upon excuse for him, ignoring good advice given. As is so often the case on these boards, the OP asks for help but ignores every suggestion that does not agree with them.

I'm leaving this thread now as nothing is going to change. There will be page upon page of debate until someone tries to push their point a little harder and the thread will eventually be closed down.

neverdespairgirl

purpletoenails wrote: »

I don't think I ever stated it wasn't morally wrong have I?

I do feel a bit sorry for your friends though, if your love for them is conditional on them meeting your high moral standards!

My father had a close friend at university, who he got on with very well.

They stayed friends through adulthood, we spent family days out with him and his wife and children.

Then he had a (messy) affair, which ended up in the tabloids. My Dad's never spoken to him again.