Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Errata

Whilst agreeing with all of your post, I don't agree with this

You said earlier in the thread he'd been telling how bad his marriage was long before you got together as a 'couple'? I am actually aghast at your naivety

She's not naive. He's a sleazy slimey git for telling her and she's the same for listening.

purpletoenails

No, she didn't chuck him out because he was cheating - I know why it was, and was pretty much a row that got out of hand. This happened very early on after I met him, we were friends but nothing more at that point. There was a whole group of us that took each others numbers to keep in touch, and it wasn't because everyone that was on the course was looking for an affair.

As I have said before, there are things that I can't put on here because anybody that knows them would immediately know who I was talking about so in that respect, yes there are things that I have kept secret, but I have been honest about the facts that I have been able to share..

Sorry, I can't seem to make the quote button work, so this post is kind of all over the place.

Yes he does find the situation stressful, because he hates the secrecy and guilt, but it is not me that is causing him that stress, he enjoys seeing me and relaxing, having fun, letting off some steam or whatever, that's what he meant when he said that I keep him sane.

I'd like to also say that I don't think the wife is a bad person, I have no feelings towards her either way. It's not me that lives with her, I've never met her, or spoken to her or seen her. Relationships are often complicated and unless you're one of the people involved, how can anyone possibly know what is truly going on?

The opinions on the people involved given on this thread are based on assumptions about the situation, and the value and moral judgements of each individual poster. My best friend of 30 years doesn't think I'm 'disgusting', my work colleagues who don't know about him would probably be incredibly shocked, but equally I doubt very much they'd stop speaking to me because of it. His friends and colleagues might have a different opinion, his wifes friends a different opinion still (and I think that mainly people have been looking at it from her viewpoint)

My original post was 'can an affair ever have a happy ending?' and I guess that the answer remains, as somebody said at the very beginning 'not for every one involved'.

euronorris

purpletoenails wrote: »

My best friend of 30 years doesn't think I'm 'disgusting', my work colleagues who don't know about him would probably be incredibly shocked, but equally I doubt very much they'd stop speaking to me because of it.

I think you'd be surprised by how many would.

I have cut off friendships before when they have gotten into this situation (or similar), and not rectified it.

I have absolutely no problem with people making mistakes, finding it hard but ultimately doing the right, but sometimes very difficult, thing in breaking it off.

What I do have a problem with though, is anyone who gets into the situation, recognises it, and then carries on regardless. It is hugely selfish to continue, no matter how upsetting it may be for you to break it off, and I cannot be friends with someone like that. I just can't. Why would I want to? If they can be that selfish over something as important as this, why wouldn't they be just as selfish in other aspects of their life?

victory

purpletoenails wrote: »

No, she didn't chuck him out because he was cheating - I know why it was, and was pretty much a row that got out of hand.

One row, many rows? I mean I go off on one here and there with OH we all do but to physically pick him up and throw him out?

As I have said before, there are things that I can't put on here because anybody that knows them would immediately know who I was talking about so in that respect, yes there are things that I have kept secret, but I have been honest about the facts that I have been able to share..


Does his wife and kids come on here then?

Yes he does find the situation stressful, because he hates the secrecy and guilt, but it is not me that is causing him that stress,

If he really has such a hard time with it, come clean, tell his wife, his kids and split everything 50/50, watch the bomb go off and then come back and tell you that the stress he had whilst with both of you was nothing now he has been honest

I'd like to also say that I don't think the wife is a bad person, I have no feelings towards her either way. It's not me that lives with her, I've never met her, or spoken to her or seen her. Relationships are often complicated and unless you're one of the people involved, how can anyone possibly know what is truly going on?

The opinions on the people involved given on this thread are based on assumptions about the situation,

Now that is rich, assumptions I always say are a dangerous game to play but we all posters on here we can only go on what you say and help you and see what you want us to see because that is all we have to go on

...............................................................

purpletoenails

I don't know if his wife and kids come on here, but they might do, as might other people who know them.

Now that is rich, assumptions I always say are a dangerous game to play but we all posters on here we can only go on what you say and help you and see what you want us to see because that is all we have to go on <- it wasn't a criticism, I was just saying.

lostinrates

FatVonD wrote: »

while I've never really 'got' the 'you sound lovely' posts (there's nothing classy about sleeping with someone else's husband and I personally believe your restraint has been ;largely because you didn't want to give away too much info) I did find some concern along the way for the waste of your own life but I'm afraid I've gone full circle again.

.

Here's the thing, while I agree wholehearted with you that it is worng, and totally not ''classy'' I also think most people justify most wrong things they do and it doesn't make people inherantly ''bad''. It doesn't make the actions right.

PTN's justifications have made her ''human'' to me. I understand why she is trying to justify this to us and to herself. I pity her immensely, though suspect she will not like that. I do feel sorry for her, because the more this plays out the more I see how worldly wise some of the posters here are. It makes me very, very sad.

I've got a lot wrong in my life, and I am far from perfect, but I am proud that when in the position I didn't do what PTN has done. I'm sure if I had I'd be trying to make the same justifications. I know it would make me feel really, really bad and that I'd probably get a bit self righteous and grandiose to try and make it feel better.

MissMitch

euronorris wrote: »

I have cut off friendships before when they have gotten into this situation (or similar), and not rectified it.

No disrespect but I think that's weird, with friends and family that are in similar situations to this or abusive relationships that they've stayed in, I've never unfriended them because I didn't agree with what they were doing. I might tell people when I've had enough of hearing about it, but what they do with their lives is their own business and I'd hope they wouldn't judge me either for what I do with mine...anyone who would I wouldn't consider worth having as a friend in the first place.

I don't believe that people change situations until they are really ready, as I've told PTN. The same goes for abusive relationships etc, believe me I've been in one of them far longer then I ever should have, but got out when it was right for me.

To be perfectly honest I don't think PTN has once convincingly shown a heart-felt desire to end this relationship for good throughout this thread, but rather got carried with the momentum of (undoubtedly well-meaning) posters telling her she should, I'm sure she will when she needs to but I think continuing this thread now is fairly pointless.

FatVonD wrote: »

And in the meantime he's putting one (and possibly both) women's lives on hold (at a time of their life where their chances of meeting someone else are rapidly diminishing)

That made me giggle...PTN in her 40s not 90s!

princessdreamer

PTN you sound like my husbands mistress. hope she does throw him out like I did so he can show you who he really is but honestly hun if she does unless you have a ton of money or needs somewhere cheap till he finds another sucker he won't be playing happy families with you.

lostinrates

purpletoenails wrote: »

My best friend of 30 years doesn't think I'm 'disgusting', .

she loves you. She's making the same personal justifications as you are. But I bet you she'd be happier for you if you were in a more fulfilling and rewarding and 'honest' relationship.

lostinrates

MissMitch wrote: »

That made me giggle...she's in her 40s not 90s!

Is she? it still has the ptotential to oimpact on her financially for the rest of her life, and emptionally. If for example, she was a sahm, or took career sacrifices to fit round her OH....that will reflect later on. Money divided in half just doesn't stretch as far...two more modest homes, for example, cost more than one flash one. She might be as smitten with him as PTN and take years to get over it....or not, who knows. The chances are she won't take it well or be thrilled, or her husband would have told her already.