Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

purpletoenails

Kay_Peel wrote: »

It's about you, isn't it? You want more. You want to have what other couples have. But you're too afraid of what the future holds and of being alone. Shall I stay, you ask yourself, and get love and attention for a few snatched hours/days (and it's better than nothing); or shall I go, because this love affair no longer gives me what I want?

In a short time your son will be in his mid 20s and your daughter will be off to University. With your adult children making their own lives, finding partners and making careers, you will be at a crossroads. Other women of your age relish this stage of their life, especially if there is a partner to enjoy holidays together, long walks, leisurely evenings with friends, etc etc. You won't have any of that.

As he gets nearer to retirement he's unlikely to contemplate re-starting his life with a woman who lives miles away, especially because it means having to divide up his pension, his assets and all that he and his wife have jointly worked for. As time goes on it is LESS likely that he will start again, poorer, with another partner.

So you're stuck. Is an affair enough for you?

I promise you I'm not scared of being alone, I've spent the majority of my adult life raising my children on my own, I'm fully independent and self sufficient.

I'm not seeing him because he's better than nothing. If I needed a man just for the sake of having a man, there would be many easier options I could take.

I am very much looking forward to reaching that age you describe. I have been planning for several years what I am going to do once I regain a little freedom for myself and I am going to have a great time, whether I still happen to be single or otherwise.

victory

purpletoenails wrote: »

I'm sorry if anyone feels I've wasted their time, that wasn't my intention.

I don't think you have:D

jetplane

I think you should apologise for wasting everyone's time.

I stand corrected

I think this affair has a happy ending for him.

I stand by this

Pollycat

purpletoenails wrote: »

I'm still seeing him because the thought of not seeing him isn't a pleasant one. He is kind and loving, we make each other feel great, make each other happy, and letting go of that is proving harder than I thought it would be.

But you knew breaking it off would be painful and distressing - you even acknowledge that.

My point was that you made the very difficult effort to break it off and then allowed it to start up again - thereby weakening your position.

You're now that woman who can be (and is being) strung along (exactly as you have been for the last 2 + years) whilst he retains his marriage (and all that it entails) intact.

purpletoenails wrote: »

I do think he will leave his wife but I don't think it will be anytime soon, certainly at least for a couple of years.

I find the above very unpleasant to read - the idea that you and he are still having the affair whilst his wife, depending whether she knows about you or doesn't either:
tries to carry on as though nothing is wrong in the hope that he'll 'see sense' and end the affair
or (and this is even worse to contemplate) is blissfully unaware that anything is wrong in her marriage and is herself looking forward to her kids flying the nest so she can spend more time with her husband.

And there you are, saying you think he'll leave her in a couple of years time.
You make her sound like an old washing machine, chucked out when it suits him.
You make him sound very calculating and cold.

I hope she finds out, throws him out and takes him to the cleaners and ruins him financially.
I hope his children (for whose sakes he apparently is staying for) see him for the lying, cheating rat he is and ruin him emotionally.

threemuttleys

Can an affair have a happy ending....hmmmm.

My Mother cheated on my Dad...slept with half the town. Had affairs with goodness knows how many men. She and Dad split (not cos of the affairs, that wasnt disovered till later)

Fast forward 10 years. Dad is in a relationship. Very happy and chilled. All three of his children utterly adore him.

Mother? Alone bitter and twisted. Only two children have a lukewarm relationship with her.

Dont like cheats/liars. Never seen anyone as hurt as my Dad was when he discovered Mum had cheated on him

plumpmouse

PTN I like you, despite hating what you are doing!

However I have to say I am now more convince than ever that you are being played for a fool. You have backed down on your "ultimatum" (I know you have denied that this is what it was!) He now thinks that whatever you say you are just going to drift along waiting for him!

I genuinely would hate to be living the life you are leading. Sneaky text and phone calls, a odd stolen kiss every so often when he can fit you in. All the while knowing that whilst you go to bed alone and face all your day to day chores, problems etc alone he goes back to spend his nights with his wife and be her companion in day to day matters. You really are second fiddle no matter how much you want to believe otherwise!

Get shut and find a real man who will treat you properly!

I would also hedge my bets that when he does leave his wife as you predict he will become a different, probably unhappy man. He will lose his whole lifestyle and a lot of money from divorcing his wife. He will probably (depending on how you are introduced to people) lose a lot of his friends, as friends they have as a couple will no doubt be surprised and probably digusted in his behaviour if it comes to light.

And ultimately the thing that will make him most unhappy is that he will most likely lose the respect and love of his children. If my Dad acted in such a way I really don't think I would want to have much to do with his new life and his mistress!!!

Do you really want to make this man unhappy??? Because if you are the reason he leaves his wife this is probably what will happen.

Cut ties with him and tell him if he ever finds himself single to look you up. If you are still single great! At least if he leaves his wife as a single man rather than an adulterer you will have more of a shot at the "happiness" you desire!

purpletoenails

Pollycat wrote: »

I find the above very unpleasant to read - the idea that you and he are still having the affair whilst his wife, depending whether she knows about you or doesn't either:
tries to carry on as though nothing is wrong in the hope that he'll 'see sense' and end the affair
or (and this is even worse to contemplate) is blissfully unaware that anything is wrong in her marriage and is herself looking forward to her kids flying the nest so she can spend more time with her husband.

And there you are, saying you think he'll leave her in a couple of years time.
You make her sound like an old washing machine, chucked out when it suits him.
You make him sound very calculating and cold.

I hope she finds out, throws him out and takes him to the cleaners and ruins him financially.
I hope his children (for whose sakes he apparently is staying for) see him for the lying, cheating rat he is and ruin him emotionally.

Maybe I didn't phrase that quite right, perhaps I should have said they will go their seperate ways in a couple of years time. I don't think he is cold and calculating - I think he is doing what he thinks is the best he can for his children at the moment. She has in the past thrown him out, on one particular occasion literally physically thrown him out, and the children had to intervene to calm her down (this was when we were just friends and had nothing to do with me)

He doesn't always run his wife down to me, he doesn't sit around and tell me how awful she is in order to try and hoodwink me into feeling sorry for him. If he tells me about a specific incident then I may empathise, but my opinion is always try and sort it out or if it's that bad then leave the relationship (as it would be for anybody telling me their relationship woes)

I also don't think he should be ruined financially or emotionally for what he is doing, I don't think he deserves that. He knows that having an affair is wrong, he often feels guilty. He may be doing it for selfish reasons, because it makes him happy and in his own words 'keeps him sane', but he is not doing it out of malice or spite or in order to ruin lives. Whatever happens between us, my opinion of him as a person is not going to change.

lostinrates

purpletoenails wrote: »

Maybe I didn't phrase that quite right, perhaps I should have said they will go their seperate ways in a couple of years time. I don't think he is cold and calculating - I think he is doing what he thinks is the best he can for his children at the moment. She has in the past thrown him out, on one particular occasion literally physically thrown him out, and the children had to intervene to calm her down (this was when we were just friends and had nothing to do with me)

I can imagine throwing him out too.

You are right though that it has NOTHING to do with you what goes on in someones marriage. Perhaps like you, she was shooting a warning shot and gave up. Perhaps she too felt she needed more from life, then realised she loved him. You only know what you are told. No friend or lover is going to start a story...''so my wife is seriously upset because I was a !!!! at home. Maybe he was even seeing someone else at the time.

So,. lets get this right, would it be ok for my husband to cheat if I challenged him about things that weren't working for me at home, for example?

PTN, your attitude is self justifying and if you don't call this guy calculating you must know some real sons of dogs..he caluclates when and how to see and talk to you to his families detriment and seemingly, how to grind you down.

He doesn't always run his wife down to me, he doesn't sit around and tell me how awful she is in order to try and hoodwink me into feeling sorry for him. If he tells me about a specific incident then I may empathise, but my opinion is always try and sort it out or if it's that bad then leave the relationship (as it would be for anybody telling me their relationship woes)

I think you are being blind here. Love is, you know. He told you about his wife throwing him out to get what...you on her side? This, whether you like it or not, goes some way to confirm his self indulgence, why should he talk to you about her at all, it must be hurtful to you.

I also don't think he should be ruined financially or emotionally for what he is doing, I don't think he deserves that. He knows that having an affair is wrong, he often feels guilty. He may be doing it for selfish reasons, because it makes him happy and in his own words 'keeps him sane', but he is not doing it out of malice or spite or in order to ruin lives. Whatever happens between us, my opinion of him as a person is not going to change.

But the wife (who he doesn't run down to you but you still know is ''not innocent'' or nice) does deserve to be ruined financially...her plans for retirment smashed, her chance of a new relationship constantly diminbished year on year as she gets older and settles into life with him.

It might not be spite or malice that drives him, but never theless its malicious and IMO you sound nicely spiteful about his wife. And it IS ruining lives.

PTN, your opinion might not change, but that doesn't mean its right. And therein lies the problem. You are deceiving yourself, justifying your wrongdoing to yourself, that doesn't make it right just because you can kid yourself its ok to treat people like that.

gonzo127

sorry PTN but he seems to change his tune quite often

a while back (cant really check for quote at the moment) but you basically said that all the secrecy was doing his head in and making him stressed, yet now he says seeing you keeps him sane?

and i know you are not going to change your opinion of him, dispite what everyone else on here is telling you, so i am just wondering, is he going to buy you a nice dimond studded collar fopr Christmas to go with the leash he has got you on.

really from everything you have told us about this guy (even when trying to defend him) he just does not come accross as a nice person, and i really do wish that you could see what everone else one here can see

whitewing

If you really love him, then his happiness will be of utmost importance to you. And his true happiness may be in learning to love his wife again. To be able to have a chance to do that you need to be out of the picture completely.