Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

purpletoenails

I am doing the best that I can at the moment, I don't think I'm being a doormat, nor do I think he's being a bully. The problem is that we are used to talking to each other an awful lot (phone and messages) so hard for both of us to just go cold turkey overnight. We have also been very good friends to each other, in addition to the other side of our relationship, and that is the hardest bit to try and let go of I think.

Emmzi

but, you are giving mixed messages.

time to stop. Honestly, for both of you.

victory

PTN it is going to get harder for you if you let him keep in touch and meet up, you will look at him and dissolve, you seeing him will make you yearn for him and hugely resent the fact you can't have him as you want him, whatever he says he is not giving you the one thing you really want- all of him.

MissMitch

ptn, of course you miss him, it's natural and perfectly normal...it's grieving for relationship which whether he's married or not & regardless of how much time he spends with you, is still there, still 'real' & still a part or both your lives.

It's totally up to you what you want to do, I'm not about to judge you but from my own situation right now (and I'm still missing him like crazy, every single day...but FOR NOW it wasn't working) I'd say a bit of no contact time is a good idea because it helps you to get some perspective, and it takes a while to start thinking 'clearly' and everytime you see them it churns everything up again and you're back to square one. If he really is going to leave his wife, he'll still want to do it in a month or so, but it really has to come from him or else you're back in the same situation again, feeling carp!

I thought LIR suggestion of what to say to him was excellent tbh.

Top_Girl

My now ex left his wife for me. We were together for years and have the most perfect six year old child you could imagine together. However when it came down to it, I just didn't love him. A lot of it was the excitement of being the other woman, then I had post natal depression, then a cancer scare and then his brother sadly died. Once all the dust had settled, I realised how I felt and ended it.

I'll never regret it because I have my little boy out of it but in retrospect, I'd do it all so differently. Being the 'other woman' is so hard and you're worth far more...

CH27

purpletoenails wrote: »

I am doing the best that I can at the moment, I don't think I'm being a doormat, nor do I think he's being a bully. The problem is that we are used to talking to each other an awful lot (phone and messages) so hard for both of us to just go cold turkey overnight. We have also been very good friends to each other, in addition to the other side of our relationship, and that is the hardest bit to try and let go of I think.

But by continuing talking him to him you will never let the wounds scab over.

gratefulforhelp_2

Top_Girl wrote: »

My now ex left his wife for me. We were together for years and have the most perfect six year old child you could imagine together. However when it came down to it, I just didn't love him. A lot of it was the excitement of being the other woman, then I had post natal depression, then a cancer scare and then his brother sadly died. Once all the dust had settled, I realised how I felt and ended it.

I'll never regret it because I have my little boy out of it but in retrospect, I'd do it all so differently. Being the 'other woman' is so hard and you're worth far more...

You poor darling, I wonder how his wife felt?

lostinrates

purpletoenails wrote: »

I am doing the best that I can at the moment, I don't think I'm being a doormat, nor do I think he's being a bully. The problem is that we are used to talking to each other an awful lot (phone and messages) so hard for both of us to just go cold turkey overnight. We have also been very good friends to each other, in addition to the other side of our relationship, and that is the hardest bit to try and let go of I think.

One of the things I have found interesting is that I feel you have felt that your relationship with this man was ''different''. Ironically through that impresison I got, I also felt that it was a very human response that I could imagine typical in decent people who had let life divorce from how they would like to behave, and part of why I have grown to feel lots of compassion for you.

I think you have expressed this in several ways...that you didn't want to be ''THAT sort of other woman'' (please forgive a paraphrase), that he did really love you, that his wife wasn't necessarily a lovely victim. I genuinely believe all of these are meant, in the same way as when a teenager writes about love you kinow they genuinely think that they are discovering the emotion for the first time. The way women talk about the husbands who beat them and stay with them ''because they love them''. In all these situations the emotion feels dramatically personal and its hard in the throws of them to feel that perhaps this situation is not so unique. I think all break ups are hard. And I'm sad for you that a friendship has been damaged too, but continuing the friendship and communication, bearing in mind the lack of actual ''activity'' in your relationship is surely a continuation of the affair with more drama and less fun?

If someone imposes their wants over the needs of a friend/partner/whatever that is the action of a selfish, sometimes bullying person. I stand by that. If you are hanging on too having said something serious then I also think you are being unfair to him and are showing a lack of self respect.

JustKeepSwimming_2

I hope you are hanging in there PTN - it DOES get better with time, I promise.

I agree with the posters who feel it is better to cut contact with him - you need to come to terms with it all in your own head & you can't do this if you are still receiving messages or texting/talking to him. I know its darn hard, & some days you'll feel so lonely, so try & keep busy & maybe give yourself a list of things to do/you want to achieve (if it isn't on a list it doesn't happen in my life :rotfl: ). It could be a simple as read a chapter in a book, reorganise a kitchen cupboard with some loud music on, have a long bath. When my ex was being an idiot I began to cook things I'd never tried before, not too difficult just recipes that required me to buy something new.

I should add that I loathe cooking & am often a disaster in the kitchen, so I found this very challenging Maybe it was the discipline of actually following a recipe (rather than chucking stuff in a pan with some curry sauce) & then the ritual of washing up every pan I possessed which gave my mind a chance to think. I can remember having a few blinding moments of clarity of what I should (or shouldn't) do when I thought I wasn't really thinking about it (if that makes sense!).

I still don't enjoy cooking, but I know from experience that if I need to "sort something out" then a long slog at the stove often helps me get things in order.

Thinking of you & wishing you well.

Errata

If you're still in contact by phone - txt or voice - and he plans to see you this week, or whenever convenient to him, what's changed?