Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

lostinrates

FatVonD wrote: »

Lotus Eater, you are a genius.

I think its an interesting idea, but also....I doubt PTn would say it like she meant it. Personally, I think she should just call time completely and expect to be listened to.

jetplane

I

am very tempted to let him come and see me, and tell him to his face. Not only will it cause him a great deal of inconvenience to come down, but he might actually believe I mean what I'm saying.

No No No No No ... Please you have only just made a decision and haven't given yourself enough time. I posted a while ago and I am totally non judgemental on your affair but this man is playing you and you are vulnerable. When I came back to read your update my stomach flipped because my friend is in a similar situation at the moment except she is the wife.

My friends husband has left her for his new girlfriend. The NG believes that this marriage was over a long time ago and that they had lived together for the sake of work, kids, money etc. This is untrue his wife is devastated, they had a family holiday booked, they were very much a couple, socialising and intimate, and although in hindsight she can see the lies, she is greiving for him.

He is constantly texting and phoning his wife saying he has made mistakes, sending her compliments, he is confused, he is depressed, wants to see her etc. It is heartbreaking for her because he doesn't intend to 'fix his mistakes' he is living a full life with his NG and is simply massaging his own ego. His NG can not be aware of these texts due to the content, and his wife thinks he must be unhappy with NG, so he is playing them both.

But his wife is finding some perverse comfort in this, making excuses for him and my heart aches for her because this has gone on for a long time and it is truly prolonging her distress. It is bullying and cruel but she cannot see the wood for the trees. I am convinced that if she ignored him, or was out when he called it would help her move on a lot sooner.

Unless you are content to have a piece of him whenever he can make himself available (and thats your choice, no one elses). Please gather all the strength you need to resist this mans pleas. Time will tell what you want to do but you are too vulnerable now and giving in will be easy.

Lotus-eater

lostinrates wrote: »

''X I do care about you, but I also care about me and my family, and this is no longer working for me and my family. I have told you that and you are not respecting that. PLease do not contact me again unless in the future you find you have separated, in which case do by all means check to see if I am available. I want this to end well with us still caring about each other: if you continue to contact me it makes life much harder, so please don't''

If he contacts you after that good luck convincing us he really cares!

I think LIR's is the genius.

This is spot on.

clearingout

jetplane wrote: »

I

No No No No No ... Please you have only just made a decision and haven't given yourself enough time. I posted a while ago and I am totally non judgemental on your affair but this man is playing you and you are vulnerable. When I came back to read your update my stomach flipped because my friend is in a similar situation at the moment except she is the wife.

My friends husband has left her for his new girlfriend. The NG believes that this marriage was over a long time ago and that they had lived together for the sake of work, kids, money etc. This is untrue his wife is devastated, they had a family holiday booked, they were very much a couple, socialising and intimate, and although in hindsight she can see the lies, she is greiving for him.

He is constantly texting and phoning his wife saying he has made mistakes, sending her compliments, he is confused, he is depressed, wants to see her etc. It is heartbreaking for her because he doesn't intend to 'fix his mistakes' he is living a full life with his NG and is simply massaging his own ego. His NG can not be aware of these texts due to the content, and his wife thinks he must be unhappy with NG, so he is playing them both.

But his wife is finding some perverse comfort in this, making excuses for him and my heart aches for her because this has gone on for a long time and it is truly prolonging her distress. It is bullying and cruel but she cannot see the wood for the trees. I am convinced that if she ignored him, or was out when he called it would help her move on a lot sooner.

Unless you are content to have a piece of him whenever he can make himself available (and thats your choice, no one elses). Please gather all the strength you need to resist this mans pleas. Time will tell what you want to do but you are too vulnerable now and giving in will be easy.

This is classic and very predictable behaviour once you've been there, done that! Most of all, it's entirely disrespectful to both the women in his life.

I am almost 3 years down the line from my ex leaving me. We haven't spoken since the beginning of the year. This was his choice - within a couple of months it was Mother's Day and I got a 'happy mother's day' text. I ignored it. He tried a solicitor's letter and some abuse in the summer months (long story re:him and the children) so he got a solicitor's letter back,entirely reasonable but he obviously didn't see it that way. He then e-mailed to say he was sending me birthday presents from the children. I ignored it. He sent presents. I said thank you to the children and said nothing at all to him. So he texted me the day after my birthday saying 'happy birthday for yesterday, I hope you had a great day'...I await what happens at Xmas! This is all part of the 'cast you aside, reel you back in ' game that people who have affairs play. Once you get the hang of it, the cycle goes that big longer each time. You let your guard down and give them the benefit of the doubt (as I did, time and time again), and you get cast aside. Each time you're a bit wiser and so they have to work that much harder. Until you get into my situation where there is no contact at all, you breathe a massive sigh of relief and it suddenly all falls into place. Then, and only then, do you realise the game and are able to ignore it when they start to play it. My ex's aim is to engage me in conversation, get me to the point where I think the best of him again so he gets whatever it is he's after (probably nothing more than an ego boost that he can still have me if he wants) so he can upset me again. It's all very transparent.

PTN - please, don't let him do this to you. Be strong.

Wickedkitten

FatVonD wrote: »

Sorry, PTN, the only person you're fooling with that reasoning/excuse for seeing him is yourself (and deep down I suspect you're not even fooling yourself.)

Changing your phone number would get the message across perfectly and, re not wanting to change your number because you've had it a long time, may I refer you back to my previous comment

If you won an iphone but it was on a different network you'd change your number, you have in your sights a whole new and better life but you won't change it for that? The only reason can be that you want him to keep contacting you

You only need to change your mobile number, presumably he respects the fact your daughter isn't privy to all the facts enough that he won't call on the home number. Even if he does then he'll have to make the effort to speak to you rather than just text.

Nah, you don't have to go that far at all, even if you were changing networks you wouldn't have to change your number, you can just port it.

She doesn't need to change her number, she just has to have the willpower to not answer the phone if he rings it, and delete any text messages from him without reading them. Failing that, depending what kind of mobile she has, she can just block his number.

Personally I wouldn't bother meeting him, texting him, or telling him anything. Just leave him out in the cold and move on.

victory

Surely the next time you need to see him is with all his wordly goods packed outside your house with him moving in and it all sorted? That was the whole point of the 'ultimatum' any less than that and is not called 'cake and eat it'?

shellsuit

I do actually feel for you now PTN.

You had the guts to end things and now this bloke is being SO unfair by repeatedly contacting you.

If he thought anything of you, he would leave you be, no matter how hard it is for him. Don't forget, while you're at home alone and heartbroken, he still has his wife and will have to carry on as normal with her.

I still say, that if you are the one for him and it is meant to be, he will want to be with you, no matter how many rivers he has to cross, ie, wife, home, children etc.

Take care

welshlovebiscuit

YES it can all work out great - I'm living proof. In my case I was the married one; in a boring loveless, pointless marriage. I fell for my next door neighbour and we had an affair. I left my husband and we have now been married 3 years and are stupidly happy together.

BUT...I think we are an exception rather than the rule and I have had to deal with my family not speaking to me for a few years, although things are better on that front now. I would be pushing for action or break it off.

londoner1998

Lotus-eater wrote: »

No no no, do not do this!

You'll be crazy if you do and I suspect in bed in under an hour with him.

If you really want to finish it do it properly, telling him you're seeing someone else is a great idea.

Quite right- I consented to see the ex who was living with his girlfriend and within less than five minutes we were in bed. So much for my decision to leave him. That meant he strung me along for another three months, wrecked my christmas and left me feeling the worst I have felt all my life, with a seriously low self-steem. What hurt most is that I knew I could have saved myself so much heart ache
Just stop all contact with him. For real. Don't pick up the phone and don't even think about seeing him. If it is has to be, it will be, but you need to honour your promise to yourself and stop all contact. For your own good and so that he finally understand you are serious about your own decision

gratefulforhelp_2

welshlovebiscuit wrote: »

YES it can all work out great - I'm living proof. In my case I was the married one; in a boring loveless, pointless marriage. I fell for my next door neighbour and we had an affair. I left my husband and we have now been married 3 years and are stupidly happy together.

BUT...I think we are an exception rather than the rule and I have had to deal with my family not speaking to me for a few years, although things are better on that front now. I would be pushing for action or break it off.

So it worked out great for you. I wonder how your husband felt, and your family were clearly not delighted if they didn't speak to you for years?