Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

bugslet

Thank you victory, that was nice of you to post that.

A few months after he quit the Loose Knickered Danish Trollope as she was not affectionately known:p, he did say that he hadn't a clue what had come over him and that he was sorry. Doesn't sound much in type, but it was heartfelt and I'm comfortable that he came back ultimately for the 'right' reason. The betrayal and the deception is, as you say, the difficult bit.

victory

Put the lkdt in the 'it happened' section of your mind and look at your OH and think of the good times you are going to have now with him and how you so wish she has a good life;)

Bogof_Babe

victory wrote: »

The pain will never go away because ther will always be questions, why could we have not talked about it? What was so wrong he felt he had to lie, be deceitful? What is wrong with me? Will he do it again? What happened to the trust, to the loyalty, to us?

There will be questions in abundance plus a bit of is he now staying because he really wants to or because it is easier? The questions will be there, in waves all the time.

I could have written that post. In my case, the final question would be is he now staying because she has moved on (got herself another job) so he's desperately trying not to lose EVERYTHING.

We are back in negotiations (after a couple of days of him trying to act like nothing happened) and making slow progress, but he really does seem to think I can just "draw a line under it" and it will never be mentioned again.

As for the comment about they wouldn't look elsewhere if they were contented at home, he told me this morning that men are biologically programmed to "put it about" if they can, and it's a primal instinct thing. (Which incidentally adds to the lies about being "just friends"!). In our case either she didn't fancy him (just his money) or he wasn't forward enough to push his luck, but he has now as good as admitted that it was a roll in the hay he was after, not just "companionship" as he kept insisting.

BWZN93

VestanPance wrote: »

Not black and white is a term used to excuse behaviour you know is wrong. The truth is there is no excuse.

Without being rude - you have to remember that all behaviour is human, and just because some of it is wrong when looked at against your moral code, its not the same for others; therefore, this is your opinion - not a truth.

Im not condoning PTN at all, im just saying that there is such a thing as the various shades of grey. It's wrong to cheat? Well, what about polygamous communities? They feel its right. What about whether god exists? Religious organisations insist on the belief, when others think its a ridiculous idea. What about abortion? And it's illegal to kill someone right? Actually, in my world, its not always the case. As a specific culture in a specific time and place there will always be a common set of values, its what holds societies together. It forms the loose basis of the law and justice in that society. But that set of values will never be identical to everyone in that society, and they will change over time. the values and ideals of our great great grandparents are different to those we have today. Its not that they were wrong, and neither are we.

So, no Moral/Behaviour on this earth is simple black and white, and its not for any of us to say that there is no excuse to adultery.

JO

Pollycat

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

I could have written that post. In my case, the final question would be is he now staying because she has moved on (got herself another job) so he's desperately trying not to lose EVERYTHING.

We are back in negotiations (after a couple of days of him trying to act like nothing happened) and making slow progress, but he really does seem to think I can just "draw a line under it" and it will never be mentioned again.

As for the comment about they wouldn't look elsewhere if they were contented at home, he told me this morning that men are biologically programmed to "put it about" if they can, and it's a primal instinct thing. (Which incidentally adds to the lies about being "just friends"!). In our case either she didn't fancy him (just his money) or he wasn't forward enough to push his luck, but he has now as good as admitted that it was a roll in the hay he was after, not just "companionship" as he kept insisting.

Bogof_Babe

Your second paragraph sounds like there's still a chance, I thought from something you'd posted a few days ago that it was all over, so fingers crossed for you that it works out - if that is what want and you feel is best for you.

Lotus-eater

jw1096 wrote: »

It's wrong to cheat? Well, what about polygamous communities? They feel its right.

S'not cheating is it though? That's when people decide it's right for them.
Cheating is different. That's when one party doesn't know about it.

Lotus-eater

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

As for the comment about they wouldn't look elsewhere if they were contented at home, he told me this morning that men are biologically programmed to "put it about" if they can, and it's a primal instinct thing.

I think that it is certainly different for most men and women. Men IMHO do genuinely have a built in need to sow their oats, especially when they are young.
Obviously not everyone is the same, but in a general tone.

Married women have affairs for different reasons I think, it's more often to get attention and love, rather than just the sex, which is a large part for the men.

snowmaid

After my experience I am not quite as critical anymore..... I realise now how easily it could happen, although this doesn't excuse the behaviour.

Women need to be nurtured, they need to feel loved and be romanced - well at least I do! Women (and I am generalising) usually have an 'affair of the heart', while men (generalisation again) in the most have an affair to either 'sow their oats', ego boosting, or just because they can.

This is when communication in a relationship comes in. If you aren't feeling loved or you need some excitement, speak to your OH! Hubby is being more attentive, after I warned him that if someone asked me tomorrow to have an affair, I would!!! That woke him up! :rotfl::cool:

I think he also suddenly saw that I was taking more care of myself, lost a load of weight, am going to the gym regularly and am actually getting second glances, which is great!! :j (He noticed someone staring at my b00bs and told me.)

Oh....and I shave my legs at least 3 times a week now instead of 3 times a year....:rotfl:

VestanPance

Lotus-eater wrote: »

S'not cheating is it though? That's when people decide it's right for them.
Cheating is different. That's when one party doesn't know about it.

Totally agree. That's not cheating that's a common agreement, just like people entering an open relationship have an agreement on that aspect of their relationship so it's not cheating.

The act of cheating is the breaking of a trust. To lie and deceive someone over an issue you had promised to not to break.

There are plenty of ways to resolve issues in relationships. To cheat in what is supposed to be a monogamous relationship is quiet clearly in wrong by any measurement. There is no justification, only excuses.

BWZN93

Lotus-eater wrote: »

S'not cheating is it though? That's when people decide it's right for them.
Cheating is different. That's when one party doesn't know about it.

But to us, the very thing that makes it 'cheating' is the emotional or sexual connection to another person outside of the pair - not whether it is or is not known about. That is almost beside the point, cheating is still cheating if the person doing it doesn't get caught. Besides, the point I was making was that those kind of relationships don't fit in with how 2011 UK views a relationship - polygamy is 'wrong' to us.