Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

gratefulforhelp_2

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

In general what people mean by it is, "I can't argue it's the right thing to do, but as I've done it myself, and don't want to think badly of my behaviour...."

I think that's true as well.

Kay_Peel wrote: »

Who remembers that horrible 'other' woman on the Apprentice?

When asked to give an example of her determination and commitment she replied that she had pursued a man that she wanted, knowing that he was married with small children. She had married him and now had two beautiful children. Alan Sugar nearly fell off his chair. I nearly choked on my biscuit. The fact that she thought this commendable and something to boast about was incredible.

yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck


Many years ago a colleague berated me for coming back to work after having a baby. 'How could you leave a little baby? You should be at home' he said.
'You've got a blimmin' cheek', I replied. 'You're on your third family. You've left wives and children without a backward glance. Go boil your head.'

Nice one:T:T

Morglin wrote: »

let's face it, if there was a happy home life, no one would bother looking elsewhere, would they?

I'm afraid so...it's called having your cake....

I heard last night from an ex-colleague-friend, who is a Christian and pretty upright sound kind of person, that my old boss is getting divorced.

No-one else involved (at least on the surface) and she was rationalising it as being ok because he was happier...and this is ok because she likes him. If the story was someone she didn't know, she would think it really sad - one kid doing GCSEs, the other just started secondary school.

So maybe people find it easier to create grey areas when they know the person.

eta PTN are you glad you began the thread, or do you wish you hadn't (insulting posts aside)?

lostinrates

purpletoenails wrote: »

It's quite possible, but I have blinkers on when I love someone, so it's unlikely I'd notice if anyone was making a move on me anyway.

Well, we are all prone to being blinkered in love: its how it should be in a committed couple. In does seem a bit one sided in your case though.

Its a shame, under the circumstances you have closed your other options. Had one of them turned out to be a wonderful chap who you also could love then you might be feeling very much better now. A cynical person would add it might also shed light on your lovers intentions.

also re the blinkers, I have/used to have a sort of a mantra when talking to grilfriends about relationships....I used to say make NO decisions of lasting impact in the first six months (thats the time during which hormones make most of the decisions IME), make no decision which lasts longer than a short term temnancy agreement before a year, and if in two years its still going with the same passion then go for it. (dh played along with this, and we got engaged on our year anniversary, and married on the two year one - having brought it forward for various reasons a year, it was to be the third year anniversary, but life happened). My guess is that when you spend snatched days with some one and no period of days on end...not just living together, lots of people don't do that...but no holidays and fortnights etc, that gets drawn out a bit, in your reaction. The longing must overrule a lot of the reality, because you never have time to build normal frustration about dishes left in sinks etc etc (incidentally, I now have a similar thing because dh works away from home mon- fri most weeks, and its amazing how that butterflies in stomach thing works).

Only once, when something happened that upset me (can't even remember what now) and my sister told me to tell him to 'get stuffed'

I read this last night and didn't really get it....at first I thought you and your sister had had a row and she'd thrown the affair in your face. I think that what had upset you might be interesting for you to ponder on. Its a shame you can't remember what. Its also a shame that the last two years, with snatched days has had the downfalls of most relationships with few of the benefits...arguments but limited intimacy, texts at night but not a real hug or help putting the bins out. The highs of hormone filled lust, but not the joy of sharing that with mals out with friends etc.

lostinrates

ever_the_optimist wrote: »

He did it WITH me then he did it TO me ! I couldn't go around blaming her for it because I had been just as bad when I got together with him (although he didn't have any children with his first wife), so I just had to grin and bear it and realise that I had got what I deserved.

that's incredibly level headed. FWIW I don't think its just an issue of ''getting what one deserves'' I think its a fundamental issue about the nature of the person you are with/prepared to be at that time in your lives. Liar, deceptive, disloyal, unsteadfast, unsupportive (etc etc etc ) are all pretty unattractive qualities/actions and most certainly would put a dampener on a time in life, the emergance of a new relationship, which should be pretty much enjoyable and guilt free! However dressed up in the shininess of lust, and even promise of love, self worth gained from appreciation of another, excitement....I want to believe that when times are rough, when its not the stuff of dreams.. but other things in my life predominate; ill health, drama, acheivement....then the other party will have steadfastness to ride through that time with me and the strength to call me up on it should this progress and become a habit and help put the relationship back in focus.

victory

I agree with the butterflies in the stomach, I had this conversation with a friend whose marriage was fine but just plodding along, boring, uninteresting, just same ol same ol and she said that no one should expect passion, butterflies, the yearn to see them, the secret funny texts to spice it up, the little things that make it worthwhile.

She said it was unrealistic to expect that, that loves calms down and settles into companionship, friendship, knowing what each other is thinking, that it is calm and reliable, trustworthy and honest.

Sure all of that but without a spark, a coming through the door moment and thinking 'phoar I am lucky' can't see the point.

victory

lostinrates wrote: »

.I want to believe that when times are rough, when its not the stuff of dreams.. but other things in my life predominate; ill health, drama, acheivement....then the other party will have steadfastness to ride through that time with me and the strength to call me up on it should this progress and become a habit and help put the relationship back in focus.

Absolutely beautifully worded, perfect, exactly what I would have said if I knew how to write as eloquently.:D

Errata

But love changes over time - calms down, if you like. It becomes deeper and more meaningful. There is one other that is always on your side, utterly reliable, honest, trustworthy. Someone who would walk 500 miles and then 500 miles again.
People who expect continual roses and moonlight and butterflies will always be disappointed. The coming through the door moment can be a reason to think 'thank goodness I'm here and you're here' instead of a 'phwoar' moment.

bugslet

Morglin wrote: »

No one has ever been dragged kicking and screaming away from their spouse, and let's face it, if there was a happy home life, no one would bother looking elsewhere, would they?

Lin

Obviously I look at this from the point of view of someone whose partner had an affair. Morglin, I'm not saying that this is how you think of it, but there is from some people, not all, the view that it's partly the fault of the wife/husband, because if the home was happier then they wouldn't stray. In my case, the problem came from my OH because he wouldn't change the way he worked and he could have. Spending 6 days a week away and then sometimes a fortnight for 6 years and on the day he came back going out with his mates after handing me his washing and ironing, is not a recipe for a happy relationship. It's all the little things that count in a relationship IMO, the daily stuff. I sat down and told him that our relationship was fraying and we needed to make time for each other but he said no it was fine.

I was very unhappy at that time and I didn't and wouldn't have had an affair. He chose to. Maybe he thought he was happier than he actually was, but when someone tries to change the dynamics and the options are rejected, it's difficult to know what to do for the best. Bit like watching a train unable to brake for an object on the tracks.

I think saying that if home life was happy then they wouldn't stray is giving the straying partner a bit of an excuse and there isn't one. You do a deal with someone, then you have the bottle to say that you aren't happy with the relationship and work the problems through, or you walk away. You don't have an affair. Despite getting back together, not prepared to throw 19 years away for a lapse, the pain never fully goes away.

lostinrates

Errata wrote: »

But love changes over time - calms down, if you like. It becomes deeper and more meaningful. There is one other that is always on your side, utterly reliable, honest, trustworthy. Someone who would walk 500 miles and then 500 miles again.
People who expect continual roses and moonlight and butterflies will always be disappointed. The coming through the door moment can be a reason to think 'thank goodness I'm here and you're here' instead of a 'phwoar' moment.

I'm going to have that song about walking 500 miles in my head all day now.

Yes, it does change, but that goes back to the nature of love and relationships, its very posisble that for one person its getting deeper and stronger, while for the other person its a deception.

I get the ''thank goodness'' thing. I think that one of the things that makes the long distance situation work for us is that like a lover, I get butterflies created by distance, but like a wife, I know if I need him or he needs me we can get to each other, no deception, no lies, no other consideration..its us against the world.

lostinrates

Morglin wrote: »

People have affairs for many reasons, and marriages are not always what they seem to ousiders.

"Behind closed doors", and all that.............;)

I have known affairs to move on, for the couple to get together permanently and for their relationship to flourish for many years.

Others have fallen apart and both parties regretted leaving their previous partners.

Every case is different - but, it's pointless blaming 'the other person', as a 'mistress' owes a wife nothing, and a male lover owes a husband nothing.

No one has ever been dragged kicking and screaming away from their spouse, and let's face it, if there was a happy home life, no one would bother looking elsewhere, would they?

Lin

to me you post reads a bit as if you are saying you cannot blame the lover, but you can bput blame on the other partner? IMO, if one part of a relationship can take blame so can the other, especially if the partner is in ignorance of the current situation!

I also believe, however good one partner is, the other needs to play ball...there are plenty of wonderful husbands/wives and bf/gf with selfish and deceptive people.

victory

bugslet wrote: »

Obviously I look at this from the point of view of someone whose partner had an affair. Morglin, I'm not saying that this is how you think of it, but there is from some people, not all, the view that it's partly the fault of the wife/husband, because if the home was happier then they wouldn't stray. In my case, the problem came from my OH because he wouldn't change the way he worked and he could have. Spending 6 days a week away and then sometimes a fortnight for 6 years and on the day he came back going out with his mates after handing me his washing and ironing, is not a recipe for a happy relationship. It's all the little things that count in a relationship IMO, the daily stuff. I sat down and told him that our relationship was fraying and we needed to make time for each other but he said no it was fine.

I was very unhappy at that time and I didn't and wouldn't have had an affair. He chose to. Maybe he thought he was happier than he actually was, but when someone tries to change the dynamics and the options are rejected, it's difficult to know what to do for the best. Bit like watching a train unable to brake for an object on the tracks.

I think saying that if home life was happy then they wouldn't stray is giving the straying partner a bit of an excuse and there isn't one. You do a deal with someone, then you have the bottle to say that you aren't happy with the relationship and work the problems through, or you walk away. You don't have an affair. Despite getting back together, not prepared to throw 19 years away for a lapse, the pain never fully goes away.

The pain will never go away because ther will always be questions, why could we have not talked about it? What was so wrong he felt he had to lie, be deceitful? What is wrong with me? Will he do it again? What happened to the trust, to the loyalty, to us?

There will be questions in abundance plus a bit of is he now staying because he really wants to or because it is easier? The questions will be there, in waves all the time.