Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Bogof_Babe

Respect to you clearingout, what a nightmare you have been through and managed to come out the other side still positive. You're setting a great example for your children. I hope your ex is ashamed of himself.

clearingout

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Respect to you clearingout, what a nightmare you have been through and managed to come out the other side still positive. You're setting a great example for your children. I hope your ex is ashamed of himself.

You made me smile. Ex has repeated, ad infinitum, that I am the most pessimistic, negative person he has ever met. I know that's not true, but nice that strangers can see it as well!

flutterby_lil

Wow that is quite heart tugging reading that. You still hold out hope of one day, how very very adult of you and with your children at the centre. I have been to court with my other half numerous times to enable him to see his daughter, very stressful. We're now have a court order in place. She is very jealous of me, I try my best to get on and be the bigger person but it is hard. I would never hit my partners daughter across the face, tap her hand yes, as my son has his hand tapped and we have always said all children will be treated the same.

Good luck for the future and i don't blame you for moving, i would under the circumstances x

poet123

clearingout wrote: »

You made me smile. Ex has repeated, ad infinitum, that I am the most pessimistic, negative person he has ever met. I know that's not true, but nice that strangers can see it as well!

Some women are so ground down by the repeated accusations though that they do come to believe them. As you mentioned it seems self esteem is the key. Well done, you do seem to be holding your head high and looking to the future....which, when you come out the other side is what he will hate the most!!:D

Bogof_Babe

clearingout wrote: »

You made me smile. Ex has repeated, ad infinitum, that I am the most pessimistic, negative person he has ever met. I know that's not true, but nice that strangers can see it as well!

Typical blame-shifting. He can't deal with being in the wrong so tries to make it all your fault. I'm sure everyone except himself realises the truth. I just hope he doesn't try to poison your children's minds - one to keep an eye out for as they get older .

Lemanie_2

victory wrote: »

It is funny you should describe it like that because OH and I went through a trough and I remember once saying to him this relationship is like a rollercoaster and I wanted to get off and he said pretty much the above, that nothing is perfect, nothing can be smiles and happiness, easy and straightforward every day of the marriage, like it to be but it can't and he was not bailing because the peaks would arrive.

I really admired his dedication and for him to be in it for the long haul, the good and the bad and the peaks came back so he was right:D

Too true! I have always said that love is a choice primarily and a feeling thereafter. Feelings and emotions aren't constant and therefore I think to rely totally on them for big decisions in relationships is not helpful. What is constant is your decision to love your partner - to put them first, to act lovingly towards them, to be loyal etc. I think one of the main problems is that in our culture, we don't really fix things anymore - we buy new socks instead of darning the old ones. Our constant desire to drop what we have and get the next best thing has really damaged the relationships we have.

On that basis, I don't think an affair is the end to a relationship. I am certainly not saying that it wont be extremely difficult to deal with, and it will require total commitment from each partner to make the relationship work and both must make the choice to love the other.

I also think it is really difficult to try and make a relationship work 'for the kids'. My husband is my partner for life, we have been bonded together and that is that. Children are wonderful, but they grow and have their own lives and they are in no way your 'other half', your companion for the remainder of your life. No one wants children to grow up with their parents separated, but the decision to stay together should be based on you and your partner, not them.

bugslet

jw - what makes a relationship work? I have no idea. I've been with my OH for 26 years, never married, and it's a complete mystery to me. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. I think what holds us together through the bad is the idea that fundamentally you care for the person and you can understand or see what the problem is. It's OK at the minute, not great, but I know it's about work and therefore while he annoys the life out of me, I view it as temporary. If there is a fundamental change in a core belief or a personality change, then that would be more difficult to deal with.

The bad did include him having an affair about 6 years ago and that was difficult to deal with and in some ways the hurt will always be there. I always say that if your partner dies, it hurts, it causes practical problems but he didn't make that choice ( suicide excepted obviously), but an affair is a choice to betray and deceive. I knew almost immediately that something was wrong and it took less than three months to find out it was an affair - i so missed my calling as a private detective.

gratefulforhelp_2

victory wrote: »

he said pretty much the above, that nothing is perfect, nothing can be smiles and happiness, easy and straightforward every day of the marriage, like it to be but it can't and he was not bailing because the peaks would arrive.

I really admired his dedication and for him to be in it for the long haul, the good and the bad and the peaks came back so he was right:D

He sounds like a fantastic man:T:T:T

poet123 wrote: »

Quite humbling too, that these two bright, funny, intelligent, pretty, hard working women hadn't been enough for the men in their lives. Both of them shared a common thought that they had somehow failed, not been good enough and that was the reason their husbands had looked elsewhere. Having not seen either of them for several years I could see the mark this had left.

One wonders whether they feel to blame because they sometimes got cross/forgot things/left their hair unwashed for a day...or in other words behaved like a real human and not a stepford-type-person?

Lemanie wrote: »

Too true! I have always said that love is a choice primarily and a feeling thereafter. Feelings and emotions aren't constant and therefore I think to rely totally on them for big decisions in relationships is not helpful. What is constant is your decision to love your partner - to put them first, to act lovingly towards them, to be loyal etc. I think one of the main problems is that in our culture, we don't really fix things anymore - we buy new socks instead of darning the old ones. Our constant desire to drop what we have and get the next best thing has really damaged the relationships we have.

I have bolded and pinked it as it's so good.:T:T:T

victory

Thank you grateful I really do admire him for what he did:D

bugslet

ally18 wrote: »

Can I also add to the op that having an affair will ALWAYS result in a minimum of one person being hurt and it will be the 'mistress'.

had started leaving me messages on fb as to what they were doing. She was going to sit back and 'gloat' was the term used.

I was heartbroken, emotionally unstable, stupid, worthless, . I am left with the thought that he and his wife are laughing at me,
.

When my Oh had an affair, I can assure you i was hurt. Whe he decided after 5-6 months of seeing her, possibly she was hurt too, but frankly i don't care. In her case she knew there was someone with whom he had a long term relationship.

If she started to leave messages on fb, i think it was because she wanted to make you feel pain in the same way as she had. Not very intelligent, but it's what you do. I turfed mine out and finished with him a month after I found out and then a few months after he came to his senses. I don't understand anyone, wife or mistress that will put up with being only half in someone's life.

You may be heartbroke, you may be emotionally unstable, but in time those feelings will pass. But you are certainly not stupid or worthless. He lied to you, he's a to$$er. If you asked people to form a queue if they had done nothing stupid in their lives, it would be remarkably short.