Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

neverdespairgirl

poet123 wrote: »

Anyone in a long term relationship is lying if they tell you it is all roses. We have been married 30 years and have had those peaks and troughs, but having both come from long married parents we never even thought about the alternative to working through any issues. Maybe the troughs were not so deep that we could not see the peak in the distance, never any issues of infidelity for example, but the usual niggles all married couples have.

I couldn't agree more. I've just spent a few days with my son at my parents' place - they married in 1974, and have just turned into their 60s.

It's obvious they're still happy together - still people and individuals, but also a couple. Today my Dad took my son and the dogs for a walk, and the moment they got back, the first thing he did was ask where my Mum was.

OH and I have been together since our late teens - since 1997. Not every day with him is perfect, but he brightens up my life. Something bad is better if he's there, something good is wonderful to share with him.

Lotus-eater

Michelin wrote: »

That's actually not very nice and not helpful to the original poster. When I first started reading this post, I thought it woul degenerate into the usual kind of thing with this sort of posting but it didn't.....until this post.

She was referring to someone else.

bugslet

Ally 18's married lover had told her that the marriage was over, got rid of his wedding ring when the affair started, so from my perspective I'm willing to forgive the initial phase. She should have left though when she found out that he wasn't, but then you are in deep.

The woman that had an affair with my partner of (then) 19 years knew that he was with someone. Of course he gave her the usual garbage about how I didn't understand him ( do any of them have any originality?) *yawns*, but she was in her 40s and even more oddly, her ex had had an affair, so knew the pain and devestation it causes.

ally18

The reason I removed my post was for personal reasons plus it wasn't really providing the answer that the op wanted. I merely wanted to put another side to the situation and to advise that the op would end up hurt.
For information - My affair started AFTER he told me his marriage was over and mine ended immediately the affair started. To cheepskate and suitedacres - I did not just care about myself, who in their right mind is going to put themselves through hell and back just for what they want. I unfortunately, fell in love with someone who I believed returned those feelings. He constantly told me he loved me, wanted to spend his life with me and that I was his soulmate. When a grown man tells you things like that, why would I not believe him? He did not live with his wife, as far as I was concerned it wasn't an affair because they were divorcing. I only realised what it really was when he about faced and went back. My fault was being too trusting, naive and gullible. Btw, I am not young.

My point to the op is that it will hurt terribly in the end, whatever the circumstances so be careful and be prepared. I wasn't.

purpletoenails

ally18 wrote: »

The reason I removed my post was for personal reasons plus it wasn't really providing the answer that the op wanted. I merely wanted to put another side to the situation and to advise that the op would end up hurt.
For information - My affair started AFTER he told me his marriage was over and mine ended immediately the affair started. To cheepskate and suitedacres - I did not just care about myself, who in their right mind is going to put themselves through hell and back just for what they want. I unfortunately, fell in love with someone who I believed returned those feelings. He constantly told me he loved me, wanted to spend his life with me and that I was his soulmate. When a grown man tells you things like that, why would I not believe him? He did not live with his wife, as far as I was concerned it wasn't an affair because they were divorcing. I only realised what it really was when he about faced and went back. My fault was being too trusting, naive and gullible. Btw, I am not young.

My point to the op is that it will hurt terribly in the end, whatever the circumstances so be careful and be prepared. I wasn't.

I didn't get a chance to read your post yesterday, but I'm really sorry things seem to have ended up so badly for you.

ally18

Thank you PTN,

My best wishes to you, I hope you succeed in gaining whatever it is you want and to be happy.

A

essexgirly

Well PTN, Ally18 has said it all, it is all about what you want, despite thousands (yes) of opinions, I personally hope you succeed in gaining what YOU want, and what YOU want to achieve and to be happy in whatever choice YOU make. Its hard not to be lead by the heart, but going by your extremely calm responses to everything that has been applied to you. I think you will make your own choices and whatever they may be, I wish you the best. Please keep us posted on your future. I for one, think that there has been a lot of aggression thrown at you and never once have you taken one opinion over the other in your favour and throughout this thread you have taken a balanced view of everybody's views.

erdd2

essexgirly wrote: »

Well PTN, Ally18 has said it all, it is all about what you want,

At the risk of becoming a bore, there are children to consider so it should not be all about what one parent (person/adulterer/wotever) wants.

That this thread has been heavily discussed with viewpoints coming from a wide variety of experiences and opinions with the added variety of attitude and application...I remain convinced someone will get hurt (in answer to thread q) ...and remain in admiration of how the op has conducted her responses even when some responders have been over zealous in derogatory attack

purpletoenails

erdd2 wrote: »

...I remain convinced someone will get hurt (in answer to thread q)

Yes I'm pretty sure somebody will get hurt, whatever the outcome. If I walk away I will be hurt and I know he will be too. If he wants to be with me his wife and children will be hurt. If I carry on seeing him part time I am upset every time we part company. If I keep on seeing him and we get found out, all hell will break loose and everyone involved is likely to get hurt.

At the moment I'm having trouble thinking straight - I think I've been thinking about it so much that I've confused myself!

Bogof_Babe

purpletoenails wrote: »

Yes I'm pretty sure somebody will get hurt, whatever the outcome. If I walk away I will be hurt and I know he will be too. If he wants to be with me his wife and children will be hurt. If I carry on seeing him part time I am upset every time we part company. If I keep on seeing him and we get found out, all hell will break loose and everyone involved is likely to get hurt.

At the moment I'm having trouble thinking straight - I think I've been thinking about it so much that I've confused myself!

There's one thing you need to face up to PTN, and that's that one of two things WILL happen - either you'll get found out, with the resulting consequences as stated yourself above, or you'll drift on like this into your dotage, which I think you would agree would make for a far from ideal old age. The other thing that could happen is that one of you gets fed up with all the subterfuge and calls it a day - cue major hurt for the other one, but the pieces can be picked up from this without impacting on the innocent parties.

I don't have official stats, but from what I've read on various infidelity websites, I'd imagine almost 100% of affairs do get found out by the betrayed partner sooner or later. It just isn't possible to conduct anything meaningful without your home life being affected. Therefore you can assume that either his relationship with you is not all that important to him, or you will be found out in due course.

You still have the third option, where you bite the bullet and take control of things, and either issue your ultimatum (and mean it!) or tell him you cannot carry on like this, and walk away without looking back. I don't know how you've managed to drift along in this limbo for so long as it is, and fear for your mental health if it goes on much longer.

I really don't know why I'm rooting for the "other woman", but I do want you to find happiness, just not at the expense of another family.