Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

BWZN93

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Wise words. I wouldn't, however, say of a person who failed to do that "serves you right" or any similar sentiments.

I'm sure you wouldn't either?

Definitely not. It would be hypocritical of me - I'd have to spend quite a while picking on myself before I could even begin to wonder about the relationships of others. And frankly, I'd give up picking on myself way before then from lack of energy

And BB is right when she says that for some couples, it would be like opening a can of worms, and I don't have any useful ideas on exactly how one would assess their relationship anyway. I think maybe in my own case, I would suggest I need to trust my intuition sooner, not try to ignore those little smoke signals that eventually become a bit of an inferno!

I hope no one flames me down for the following however, I'm not out to pick on anyone, judge anyone, or make any kind of statement, I'm just interested in this topic (well, that of relationships) because to me they are pretty much like the unsolvable puzzle. I've never made a relationship work past 6 years, and many others have fallen over well before the 12 month mark. Actually, pretty much every other relationship I've had hasn't made it past 12 months. I guess i'm here to learn from those who are in marriages and keep managing to make it work.

Anyway, I have often genuinely wondered what are the factors that make some relationships as close to 'perfect' as that couple could hope, and others so disastrous. (This is the bit I'm hoping I don't offend anyone with:) And I think I also wonder whether anyone is ever be truly blindsided by a revelation of an affair or some kind of 3rd party issue?

Whilst I've otherwise been fairly unsuccessful in relationships, as far as I am aware, I've never been cheated on. I've been lucky that I've stayed friends with a massive proportion of my ex's so I'm fairly confident in my assertion. When I look back though, I think I know where 'the beginning of the end' was so to speak. That's not to say that I took any kind of action, I mostly ignored it and carried on as if everything was fine, until I reached a point where I'd either started to fight for the relationship or in my own mind come to the point where I was comfortable quitting on it. Do those who have had a relationship affected by an affair also get the same ever so slight vibe of something wrong, or are some men able to fool even intuition?

Anyway, if gone off topic, probably annoyed a few people (although I genuinely hope not as it really isn't my intention) with the above and should probably be told not to hijack a thread.

I shall go for a cup of tea I think! x

victory

No one is annoyed jw, relationships are constant, they have to be attended to daily, drop the ball and it all goes wrong, people put more effort into work or their mother or building up a life and career, getting the children out of the door on time, it all takes away from a relationship, no time then to sit and talk, feel undervalued, ignored, resentment crops in, no jiggy jigs, no going out, lack of communication, it all boils over into a mighty row, an affair or one day you have had enough and ask for a divorce.

Jinx

IMO affairs never end happily....

My mum is terrible at choosing men - 2 failed marriages and 2 affairs with married men and she is now nearly 60 and recently single. Like the OP she is a lovely, genuine, bubbly person. However she has some low self-esteem issues and I think she subconsciously feels she doesnt deserve better. I think she does and I keep encouraging her to step back and look at the situation before she goes head over heels....

I always felt that relationships that don't start 'properly' are doomed to failure - ie if both parties are not single or the relationship is based on lies then it won't work out - like being married/attached or getting pregnant to trap a man (amazed and shocked some women still do this!). A sweeping generalisation of course but its just my experience based on those around me.

PTN - unless you are so convinced this man is your soul mate, the 'one' then I think you should become single and focus on finding the person who can give you what you want/need.

gratefulforhelp_2

jw1096 wrote: »

When I look back though, I think I know where 'the beginning of the end' was so to speak.

This was a very thoughtful post. This bit made me wonder whether the beginning of the end was a time period or an event each time, and if an event, what kind of event?

A wise older friend of mine describes marriage as a graph with dramatic peaks and troughs which represent how much you love your spouse.

Her point being that peaks do eventually follow troughs and that it's a shame when people bail out at a temporary trough.

nickyhutch

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Her point being that peaks do eventually follow troughs and that it's a shame when people bail out at a temporary trough.

It is a shame, but we have to remember that sometimes, that trough isn't temporary.

victory

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Her point being that peaks do eventually follow troughs and that it's a shame when people bail out at a temporary trough.

It is funny you should describe it like that because OH and I went through a trough and I remember once saying to him this relationship is like a rollercoaster and I wanted to get off and he said pretty much the above, that nothing is perfect, nothing can be smiles and happiness, easy and straightforward every day of the marriage, like it to be but it can't and he was not bailing because the peaks would arrive.

I really admired his dedication and for him to be in it for the long haul, the good and the bad and the peaks came back so he was right:D

poet123

Anyone in a long term relationship is lying if they tell you it is all roses. We have been married 30 years and have had those peaks and troughs, but having both come from long married parents we never even thought about the alternative to working through any issues. Maybe the troughs were not so deep that we could not see the peak in the distance, never any issues of infidelity for example, but the usual niggles all married couples have.

A couple of friends who were married around the same time as us each dealt with infidelity differently, one woman instantly divorced when she found out (she told me only this week that she just couldn't get past it, but that with hindsight she wondered if she should have tried harder for the sake of her son, who she has recently realised was far more affected than she thought)

The other took our breath away at lunch this week when she told us that she had discovered her husband had been having an affair for four years, and she was adamant she had no inkling, they made it through, although she isn't sure how. It was really interesting to hear them both view the same issue so differently, and to listen to them explain why they had taken the course of action they did.

Quite humbling too, that these two bright, funny, intelligent, pretty, hard working women hadn't been enough for the men in their lives. Both of them shared a common thought that they had somehow failed, not been good enough and that was the reason their husbands had looked elsewhere. Having not seen either of them for several years I could see the mark this had left.

clearingout

jw1096 wrote: »

Do those who have had a relationship affected by an affair also get the same ever so slight vibe of something wrong, or are some men able to fool even intuition?

Hard to say. My ex had an affair that had lasted (at least) 2 years at the point he left me. Did I know? No. Really? Probably. But only for the last 6 months and that was because I happened across an e-mail which showed he had booked a hotel room for 2 people for a business meeting. He explained it away and I believed him, at some level, but the damage was done. He was still the same man I married at that point, a little stressed (but we had our own business, recession was kicking in, we'd had to buy out a business partner so stress was to be expected ). He came home every night, sometimes a little late, but never enough to make me think he was up to something, and again, when you have your own business, later working is to be expected. He phoned me at some point most days, texted me at some point most days, just as he had always done. Always wanted my opinion on business issues, referred to it as the 'family business'.

I was very lonely and this is what should have told me something was going on. But I accepted the loneliness as part of having a young family, of being at home whilst my husband was building a business, as part of being tired ('cos my youngest wasn't sleeping too well at that point). My husband came home every night, we talked to an extent and we still slept together but not as much as before having children but again, you accept that as normal and to be expected. We certainly slept in the same bed, ate together, said 'I love you' regularly, kissed on the way out and again on the way in every day! The signs were far more subtle than that and when you're caught up in daily life, you don't necessarily see them, or are able to explain them away if you do see them (and I didn't, until that e-mail). Hindsight is an amazing thing, believe me!

Looking back, for my ex, it was a simply case of flattery that went too far. An attractive woman wanted him and his wife was too knackered to give him that attention so he got it elsewhere. He was weak. The woman concerned has 3 children by 3 fathers, was a teenage mother, has had other affairs...she has, if I'm being fair, done very well for herself and has a good career so fair play to her from that perspective. But what she wanted, I guess, was what I had - a decent man who loved his children and who, on the surface at least, appeared successful, a lovely home, two cars on the driveway, child in private school, a second property....she obviously hung on for a while and she got what she wanted. Of course, the business has failed, the child is no longer in private school, he doesn't have a second home anymore, he drives a 12 year old car now.....I would put money on her only hanging around as long as it takes for her to get her claws in to someone able to offer something other than stress but maybe they do love each other and they'll get their happy ending. Only time will tell.

I don't believe my ex wanted to be in a long-term relationship with anyone but me. I don't think he thought it would get as far as divorce. A year after leaving me, he took her on a trip to the same place we had got married, same hotel, everything. I don't know why, but it was either about trying to exorcise some ghosts (which would suggest the outcome was not what he'd been looking for) or it was an attempt at destroying me. Either way, I know I'm better off without that and I figure the poor moo of a girlfriend has incredibly low self esteem to put up with rubbish like that. I know I certainly wouldn't!

I have said it earlier in this thread but it destroyed my life, that of our children and, I believe, his own. The difference between us today is that I am 'over it' and have 'moved on' emotionally from him whilst he still plays games and spends what feels like every waking moment trying to get one over on me. He can't be much fun to live with, that's for sure! I think this is crucial with affairs - the moving into another relationship before one is over ensures that any problems are never dealt with or looked at in any detail and so you are looking to blame other people for how your life is now rather than yourself. I feel quite sure he tells everyone his debts were my fault, that I spent wildly etc. etc. all of which isn't true and all of which, if anyone stops to think, is entirely inconsistent with how we lived our married life. My ex considers he is without guilt and it's all my fault. You can't talk with him so I have closed the book and moved away from it, not without a lot of effort on my part. I miss the man I married, but not the man he is today.

flutterby_lil

clearingout, does he still your child?

you sound very postive, well done on moving on and being the bigger person x

clearingout

flutterby_lil wrote: »

clearingout, does he still your child?

you sound very postive, well done on moving on and being the bigger person x

we have 3 children, the youngest of which was conceived the same week he walked out (long story!). No, he doesn't see them at the moment - his choice. I am trying to work it out with him but he won't engage - the girlfriend was abusive towards the older two (the eldest describes being slapped across the face on a regular basis which is obviously not acceptable) and there are other worrying issues about her behaviour towards them. We did have a shared care arrangement in place which I honoured for a long time but which eventually came to an end when I moved 250 miles away back 'home'. He dragged me through court on this point, wanting all three children under his care whilst not managing to get the eldest to school on time or the youngest to his speech therapy sessions when with him etc (and whilst denying the youngest was his!). Financially I couldn't have survived in the south east where we used to live - credit ratings ruined whilst he took holidays with the girlfriend but didn't pay the mortgages. CCJs coming out of his ears. Business has been abandonned entirely - facing compulsory strike off which keeps getting suspended as the company is being chased for debts. I have bought a large house in good school catchments (both primary and secondary) without a mortgage, thanks to help from my family and am re-training. He doesn't pay maintenance, but you've probably gathered that!

It's very hard, for everyone. I feel a dreadful amount of guilt for leaving the area and taking the children from their father (he did actually leave the girlfriend and move here for 6 months but didn't stick at it!) but I put up with a lot of rubbish for a long time and there comes a point where you have to draw a line. the children miss him but are doing OK and are settled, have friends, good school reports and we're building as best we can. I assume he'll now be in and out of our lives until such a time as the children can make their own decisions.

Guilt is a very powerful emotion and does strange things to people. I wish he could sit in my head for a few days and realise the mess he's made as maybe then we could sort things out 'for the sake of the children'. I'm an eternal optimist on this point - maybe one day, eh?!