How do you deal with infidelity?

pauletruth

girl get some self respect. he is taking the p---. he is having it off with the other woman and you allow him to stay. now if that had been just a one off with or with out the sprog you may have been able to sort it. however tarts and swinging has put your life at real risk yet he does not care.
if not for you for your daughters think what your teaching them. by letting him stay you are allowing him to control what happens.
how are you going to feel when he has to pay a big chunk of his money for this other womans kid.
my father was like this guy he has 12 kids by 4 women please be brave and get shut of this slime ball.
remember its not your fault ever. he chose to cheat now its time for him to learn the costs. who know there could be a loving caring man just waiting to meet you it has happened to a friend of mine p--- about for years by an abusive controlling man. she met her future husband and is very happy.
please don't waste another moment on this man.

Lotus-eater

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

She wants to learn to do really dirty stuff and he enjoys teaching her!!

How did you find out this? Did she tell you.
Of course he enjoys teaching her, they have a relationship, you are crazy to get any further involved with this, stop sleuthing, ignore them and get rid.

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

Maybe one day soon he will realise that he needs to move out.

Maybe one day you will realise you need to chuck his stuff out and change the locks.

Kay_Peel

Two things are stopping you from kicking this twerp into touch:

1. You're embarking on an Adult Nursing degree and the upheaval (on top of the new course) would cause major stress.

2. You feel that you are not in a position to go it alone because your only income would be a small bursary and benefits. (My adult daughter did this degree. Her bursary was ridiculously small and I supported her. She was also lucky enough to get a lot of agency work to defray the living expenses - but she was single and you're a mother!)


I'm going to suggest an option that is completely 'off-the-wall' and bizarre because I think it might suit your circumstances in the short term. However, you are bound to grow in confidence, assertiveness and self-worth in your new life as a student nurse and I bet that you won't find this option necessary. I'll say it anyway:


Stay put for the first year of your course, at least.

Live under the same roof as the twerp for as long as it takes to get that first year under your belt. It would take a very stubborn and hard-nosed person to stay put for three years - but hey, it might just be worth it in terms of job prospects and future earnings.

The marriage is over and you are emotionally separate. It's never going to heal. Personally, I'd be sleeping on a camp-bed in one of the children's room and carrying on as a separated person. I would go out with my new friends from Uni, get a few hours work from an agency (where possible), get my head down and study, study, study...... as if he didn't exist.


Good luck!

Bumpmakesfour

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

She definitely is pregnant. And he has admitted that it is his (so has she). She isn't a prostitute. They just have "fun times" together.
I have had a FB conversation with her. I have told her about the 3 other women he has been with, that I had to go to clinic and she didn't know anything about them. She wants to learn to do really dirty stuff and he enjoys teaching her!! However, the temptation to write stuff when I am logged in as him on FB is sometimes overwhelming!!! I could write some really horrid remarks. Her profile is locked down so I log in as him to see what's going on And to check his FB mail.
xxxx

Oh wow :eek: I'd seriously suggest you stop your "investigating" now.You're going to drive yourself insane finding out all these sordid details

victory

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

One thing though. You say you have no choice but to share a bed with him, which I really don't think is true. The bath, lounge floor, back seat of a car or even garden shed sound MUCH more appealing to me! Having said that, you shouldn't be the one to sleep elsewhere; he should. If you really don't want to share a bed with him, it is within your control to stop doing so immediately.

I was thinking that also, it must be unbereable to sleep in the same bed as him, the settee perhaps?

inspirespirit

I have just read this thread and have to say I think your behaviour is rather odd. How would you feel if this was happening to one of your daughters? You would be mortified if your daughter's husband had slept with other women, paid for sex, gone to swingers clubs and got a woman pregnant, and your daughter was still sharing the same bed as him !!
Well that is exactly the example you are setting for your girls !!!! How can they have respect for themselves if their mother has none for herself. The situation is untenable. If you have to share the same house because of financial reasons for a short while, at least have the dignity NOT to sleep in the same bed. I'd rather sleep on the sofa......anywhere else.
Also, you mentioned that he had accused you of not having 'marital relations' for years. Is this true? You are both really young and at 42/43 that is far too young to have stopped having sex.
I think his behaviour is absolutely abominable, but I do think you need to ask yourself some serious questions as to why you stopped wanting sex with him. Most men will 'wander' if they don't get it for 'years'. Sorry, but that is a biological fact unless you have some kind of illness.
I also think it is weird that you are living with him, yet still 'spying' on him. You are just torturing yourself.
It's over. Do everything humanly possible to live separately cos you are not able to move forward and get on with your own life, living like this.
I do know how you feel. I've had the same done to me. I'm happier now than I have ever been. Living a single life with my grown up children.

Emmzi

I would do some maths and work out what I was financially entitled to in the divorce.

Then I would see what a woman getting 20% of his net income as child maintenance, as a student, would be entitled to.

Then I would stop playing mind games and get on with my life, and let him do whatever he wanted to do.

Flee_2

I found my ex, when I was with him, had signed up to sport dating websites and was talking to a female that supposedly was a friend. I only found out after going on the computer after him and he was panicking and run across and logged himself out of his email. I was suspicious and confronted him to find out he was chatting to women online.
After this and all the bullying he did, I found somewhere else to live. Me and my 2 children packed and moved out. We could not have stayed, it felt like his house and I had too many bad memories. Kids had bad memories there from bad rows. Almost divorced 2 years later.

Do not put up with this, pack his things and move him out. Change the locks.

xxxxhelpxxxx

Hi,

Just thought I would update again.

There have been so many bits and pieces going on over the last few weeks. He had a friend over from USA. This friend knows about the baby and has previously said that me divorcing husband would "be my loss". Anyway I found out that husband took friend to visit S at her house. They did some really dirty things together, S & friend, with husband watching!!!

I said to husband a few days later (when I found out exactly what had gone on) when we had a big text conversation/argument and I dropped it discretely in one of our text conversations that I was surprised that friend hadn't wanted to meet S. He said that he did. I said that I thought it was a bit strange that he hated her, never wanted to see her again or have anything to do with her but he called her up to take his friend to meet her!!! Apparently friend met her he said that S was mad and husband should run for the hills. Then he basically accused me of wanting a fight and that it made him feel sad and frustrated!!! Anyway, I emailed friend to say that I was sorry I didn't really speak to him while her was here and that I hoped he had fun meeting with S!! Immediately, there was an email to husband asking what was going on and what did I know!! He said not to worry, that I was only digging about him meeting her. Hahahaha I think I might have to let his girlfriend know exactly what he got up to when her was here!!

I also asked him outright about him being in contact with her. He again said that she bbm'd him a couple of times, she called him in the car a few times. that she had a scan at the end of the month and had booked a 4D scan for December, her friend is on standby for the birth and that he hadn't seen her for 6 weeks. I can't stand the lies!!!! They bbm every day and talk most days in the car.

My parents know now. Not happy at all with him. They are supportive of me though.

I asked husband why we should still be married. He said that maybe it was because he cared about me, loved me. I said that I can and never will be the person he wants me to be, that I haven't been for the last 15 years. He asked me if I wanted to go out for a meal to talk about it. I said that the thought of going out with him made me feel sick!! His mum, brother and him went out for a meal last weekend because it is 2 years since his dad died. I said that I did not want to go because I would I would end up getting pi55ed off or angry because of some snide remark made by his brother. I felt rather guilty for having been put in this position of not being able to go.

She has had the scan. I think she went to the town local to where he is working (55 miles away from home). I think this because the text straight after asked him to come outside and see her. Presumably this meant outside his work. Unless he did take the day off (as she asked him to), the scan was local, he didn't actually go to the scan but she came round afterwards. Actually, I think she went down to where he works because the trip meter on his car said 53 miles.

It's a boy. He always wanted a boy but we had girls. Husband has always said it's my fault and won't listen to anything else. Of course this will prove that it is true and it is my fault !!!

I am seeing a solicitor this week - it being a boy is the final straw. He has never made a secret of wanting a boy. In the bbm conversation after the scan he said he was very happy that it was a boy and that changed things. He has told his mum and brother. I don't know what they talked about on the phone but his mum sent him a text later saying that he should call it xxx and not to think of any more names because that was what he (husband) was going to be called. I love his mum to pieces but she said she didn't want anything to do with it and now she is agreeing with his names and telling him not to change them.

S asked him whether he was going to tell me it was a boy or not - he said he didn't know. She suggested that he waited until it was born and that I find out then. He said that might be a bit cruel. No, a bit cruel is me giving him the best bj of his life (because S won't do that) and telling him I am divorcing him just before the crucial moment and leaving him hanging

I don't know whether he is going to tell our girls either.

I now can't wait to change my FB page

xxxx

lizzywig

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

Hi,

It's a boy. He always wanted a boy but we had girls. Husband has always said it's my fault and won't listen to anything else. Of course this will prove that it is true and it is my fault !!!
xxxx

Well done, you are the first woman to have actual control over how the sex of a baby was determined! Here was me thinking that gender was determined by the sex chromosome carried by a mans sperm, x producing a girl and y producing a boy. All this time you alone have had the power to control what gender your children would be!!!

Just reading through your posts I feel really sad for you, what a horrible thing to have to go through.