How do you deal with infidelity?

xxxxhelpxxxx

Background

DH & I have been married for 19 years.
I am 43, he is 42.
3 children.
2 grand children

I have known for some time that he has been using internet sites on and off to "advertise himself" but has had no success!!! His profile is on at least 2 dating websites, if not more. He gets update messages from these websites and then jokes about getting junk mail. He gets messages from them because he signed up for them. Married and looking?????? He says he has been married for 17 years and not wanting to split up. This would only happen if you get found out!!!!

However, over the last few months things have taken a different turn.

There is this woman (S) who is just about half his age. I have been keeping an eye on the situation because it was too close to home for comfort. I know the password to his fb account cos I set it up. Her profile is private so I can't see it as me. Some will say that stalking is wrong, etc. but until you have been in that situation you cannot necessarily say it is wrong.

I have been fed up of him deliberately not mentioning her name. Even when I know she is wherever he is (down the pub, etc). A card was sent from the nursery she works to wish him luck in his new job, apparently from all the staff there but it was written by her and her only because all the writing as the same – that’s a bit creepy isn’t it.

She sent him an email with a list of "alternative clothing" she wanted. Why would she send him a wish list of pervy gear?

His phone has a password lock on it. Why is his phone locked – it never, ever has been before – why now. I know that he has been BBM'ing her because I saw her name by accident. He nearly sh1ts himself if I happen to get to his phone if it rings.

Last week (Wednesday) I found out my worst fears had come true. He had been sha99ing her and worse still she is pregnant!!! I don't know how far. I would not have found out if one of the girls that (S) works with hadn't updated her FB status saying that a certain man should face up to the consequences of his actions. Her and my DH had a messaging conversation with him saying "thanks for letting the whole world know about him and (S) and it was a f'd up situation. How am I supposed to tell my wife - it's not the sort of thing you drop into the conversation just like that".

I went into total shock. I phoned my sister and went over to hers for a bit. I haven't said anything to him yet. I know some people will find this incredulous but I am very good at hiding my feelings in front of other people. I have tried to carry on as normal but I cannot bring myself to kiss him, to touch him and even find it difficult to talk to him.

I have been and talked to the Samaritans but of course they are there to listen (which is what I needed). Now what I need is help with practicalities. I cannot walk out on my girls. I have 2 at home (17 & 15) and a little grandson (9m) at home as well.

I am waiting for him to say something to me and it is killing me. I have my sister to talk to and a friend down the road who knows as well. He has got to tell me himself - I want that satisfaction. I have thought to myself that I will give it until the middle of the week.

He has always jokingly said that he is going to divorce me when the youngest is 18 anyway. Maybe not such a joke after all.

What the hell do I do now?

findingmyownway

What the hell do you do now??

Err you boot him out! There's no way you should have to leave your girls, his problem.

Can I ask what made you 'put up' with the internet dating etc? Why did you never confront him then?

balletshoes

when he comes home, you tell him "I know about you and S" - and then you give him a binbag with his clothes chucked in it, and you tell him to get lost.

I'm not being funny with you, but theres no way in hell I'd have waited this long - he'd have been out on his ear with the "married and looking" sh*te on those dating sites!

vax2002

out with him, you are stronger than this.

carrieuk

Sort your finances first, if he's hiding secrets so are you. Transfer any bills into single names, start the process for any benefits you need etc. Speak to a solicitor, get divorce proceedings started (if thats your final wish)

Then... Bin bag, clothes out the front door.

Tell him you were well aware of what he's been doing and you want nothing more to do with him.

You dont need to wait around for him to do it, that gives him the opportunity to try to worm out of it.

kazwookie

Kick him out now, don't mess around.

Tell him straight, that you know about him and S.

Like carrieuk, start sorting out finances etc now

Griizelda

If you can, get print outs of his ads on the dating sites he's signed up to - it could be useful for any divorce proceedings.

podperson

I actually rather hope this is a troll as the fact that someone would put with this from their husband makes me so sad In the event it's not ...
Hun, can I ask why you've stayed with him this long? He sounds like a horrible person who treats you with absolutely no respect. He signs onto dating websites, he locks his phone, he talks to women on fb, he 'jokes' aboout divorcing you when the kids are grown up. Even now when he's had a physical affair and got someone pregnant then you're carrying on as normal and acting like everything's fine!
I don't know if you're afraid of managing alone, either financially or emotionally - but you CAN manage and surely that's got to be better then putting up with this kind of treatment? Do you want your girls to think this is a 'normal' way to be treated in a relationship?
As the above posters have said, you should be asking him to leave. Most courts would favour keeping the children in their normal enviroment so as their primary carer they would back up you staying in the home. Also try CAB for some advice on what financial support you will be able to get.

xxxxhelpxxxx

Griizelda wrote: »

If you can, get print outs of his ads on the dating sites he's signed up to - it could be useful for any divorce proceedings.

I have got screen prints of the current stuff. I had print outs from years ago, when email first started being used a lot, of convos between him and another woman. But I got rid of these a few years ago.

podperson wrote: »

I actually rather hope this is a troll as the fact that someone would put with this from their husband makes me so sad In the event it's not ...
Hun, can I ask why you've stayed with him this long? He sounds like a horrible person who treats you with absolutely no respect. He signs onto dating websites, he locks his phone, he talks to women on fb, he 'jokes' aboout divorcing you when the kids are grown up. Even now when he's had a physical affair and got someone pregnant then you're carrying on as normal and acting like everything's fine!
I don't know if you're afraid of managing alone, either financially or emotionally - but you CAN manage and surely that's got to be better then putting up with this kind of treatment? Do you want your girls to think this is a 'normal' way to be treated in a relationship?
As the above posters have said, you should be asking him to leave. Most courts would favour keeping the children in their normal enviroment so as their primary carer they would back up you staying in the home. Also try CAB for some advice on what financial support you will be able to get.

I wish I was a troll. Looking at it, I do look stupid don't I? I hate confrontation, I mean really hate it. I suppose that's why I won't face up to anything. If you are put down long enough you learn not to rise up again.

If anyone wants to look at my blog, they are more than welcome to pm me and I'll give them the link. It gives nothing away about me or anyone else. It's just that now I have put down all the little notes I was keeping on my phone. It might make everything make more sense. not sure though.

I am afraid of telling him to leave. We have a massive mortgage. He has been unemployed for a year but we just about managed to pay the mortgage by cashing in an endowment. He is working now but still hasn't actually got any money in yet. I am afraid of not being able to pay for anything. I know I would get benefits of some sort but it would not be enough to pay our mortgage.

I have just finished a two year college course and am off to uni in September to do an Adult Nursing degree. Great timing!!!

Please keep going with any advice, information, etc.

xxxxhelpxxxx

carrieuk wrote: »

Sort your finances first, if he's hiding secrets so are you. Transfer any bills into single names, start the process for any benefits you need etc. Speak to a solicitor, get divorce proceedings started (if thats your final wish)

Then... Bin bag, clothes out the front door.

Tell him you were well aware of what he's been doing and you want nothing more to do with him.

You dont need to wait around for him to do it, that gives him the opportunity to try to worm out of it.

The vast majority of the bills are in his name anyway, apart from gas/electric (mine) and mortgage (his). I don't have money so everything was put in his name.

Darlyd

Am so sorry for your situation. You need to think about what YOU want.

If you want your marriage to work, you need to confront him, tell him a story about a friend of yours. (really it's you and him). And go from there. Only you know what to do. And how to handle it..

I been there with emails, But we were going through such a bad time, long distant relationship, we did split a little, THEN he stopped contacting me, and something told me to check his email, and right there, my heart was broken. But we worked it out, and 3 years later are still together, I can't forget what happened, and it has made me even more buddy insecure, but I get on with it. I to am afraid of being on my own, financial side of things etc. But I can also see, I could not be without him, I do love him so much, he has his faults, he is a flirt (but never physically cheated), But I can't let him go.