How do you deal with infidelity?

marywooyeah

whatever you do DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE!!! you stay put, I take it you've contributed to mortgage payments/bills etc over the years? If so you've likely acquired a constructive trust in the house, have you ever (you and hubby) discussed how the house is to be shared?
you're married, so you have matrimonial home rights, a statutory right to occupy the house - there's no way you should leave he's the one whose done the dirty!
Get your finances in order, minimising any joint liabilites eg debts in both names.
Forget CAB, get down to a family solicitor, the first half hour is free anyway.
As for satisfaction, why not pretend to have a clear out and dig out some old baby clothes and go "aaaw remember when X wore this? well see if it fits your lovechild!" that'll knock the wind out of his sails! or suggest going on holiday in 6 months and watch him squirm!

xxxxhelpxxxx

Sally42 wrote: »

I've been in a very similar situation to yours & I chose to stay, however I will never rest easy, never trust, never love my husband in the same way again. If you decide to stay, rest assured that it WILL happen again ~ and your husband will always have a link with 'the other woman' via their child. Sorry if I sound harsh, but it's a harsh situation. Your husband set out to look for someone else (as did mine, and still does); it didn't just 'happen', he made it happen, with effort and perseverance and in the knowledge that the result would devastate you, should you find out. Do you really want to be with a person who can willingly do that to you?
Message me if you'd like to talk, or scream or anything in between ~ I know JUST how you feel.

Thank you. I am doing my venting in my blog at the moment. You're right - he did set out deliberately to find someone.

NickyBat wrote: »

My god, i don't have any advice for you, not even sure how i would react in your situation. You can save a marriage after an affair but this is on a whole different level since he has made her pregnant, that must be absolutely gut wrenching for you.

Definitely gut wrenching - everytime I stop and think about it.

ukjoel wrote: »

Maybe talk to him.

The fact you havent by this point sort of suggest what has gone wrong in this relationship. I have read the two pages of 'kick him out' posts which will no doubt flame me like a kebab but I see it this way.

You stop talking, probably stop getting intimate, and the marriage becomes one of convenience. we are/were still intimate until about 3 weeks ago

He still has needs, and maybe you have too but you dont talk or discuss them so its easier for him to browse the net for some other stimulation.

On the way he discovers this woman - she is in same boat, bored, frustrated and so the affair begins. He did not discover this woman on the internet - she is a real life person who lives fairly close by

Now he is labelled a nasty old man because he wanted to be happy.
Has he killed someone, is he a child molester, has he claimed too much tax credit - NO - he just wants to be happy.

Try talking to him, not us, not other strangers on the internet, not your sister, but him.

Lifes too short to spend it being miserable and regretting things. Either fix it or leave it.

xxxxhelpxxxx

pigpen wrote: »

How about having his knackers in a vice in the shed... give him a rusty hacksaw and set the shed alight... ??? Sounds like a plan

I lived with my ex (KH) for 3 month knowing he was sleeping around.. the crabs kind of gave it away.

Pack his bags... and throw the tramp out!! If she wants him that much let her have him.. you need to have done with your enabling and ignoring 'for a peaceful life' .. if this was a situation with your sister.. what would you tell her????

Every second you spend with him is a second of your new life without him wasted... kick him out and don't lie to the girls.. they deserve the truth they are not babies they can handle it..

How about you say 'I believe you have something to tell me.... ' and don't let up until he tells you. That sounds like a good opening line - hopefully he will use it as an opener to let me know what is going on

Everyone probably does know.. all those 'friends' that you used to see more regularly than you do now.. most of them know and are staying away because they don't want to get involved.. that makes me sick.. I've had that done.. 'oh yeah we knew but didn't like to say'.. but you liked seeing me unhappy and having no support and had I not known you'd have let me carry on for how long? Some of my friends have asked what is wrong in the past but it was just the internet side of it and that sounds a bit stupid when it's said out loud so I said nothing.

They won't be laughing at you, they will pity you.. that is worse!!!!

pigpen wrote: »

Sorry...

I just find it so sad people make excuses and cover up for their cheating spouse when all the time they are unhappy and mistreated and deserve so much better..

Why do people do stuff like this when they have a loving wife/husband? I don't understand.

Cos they think that the grass is greener, etc. and don't think of the consequences of their actions.

pigpen

Mine was dumped by his trollop less than a week after he left.. made me go for a very long time!

xxxxhelpxxxx

paddy's_mum wrote: »

It sounds like the other woman knew full well that he was married ... which alters the case somewhat. OP - can you confirm whether this is the case?

Could it be that she is as duped and betrayed as you, in which case presumambly pity might well be the order of the day.

The other woman does know he is married. We had lunch one Sunday in a local pub. My eldest daughter and grandson came along as well. She was not duped or betrayed in the slightest. She knew exactly what she was getting herself involved in.

My husband told the eldest that there was a job going where this woman works. Luckily she wasn't interested anyway.

xxxxhelpxxxx

marywooyeah wrote: »

whatever you do DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE!!! you stay put, I take it you've contributed to mortgage payments/bills etc over the years? If so you've likely acquired a constructive trust in the house, have you ever (you and hubby) discussed how the house is to be shared?
you're married, so you have matrimonial home rights, a statutory right to occupy the house - there's no way you should leave he's the one whose done the dirty!
Get your finances in order, minimising any joint liabilites eg debts in both names.
Forget CAB, get down to a family solicitor, the first half hour is free anyway.
As for satisfaction, why not pretend to have a clear out and dig out some old baby clothes and go "aaaw remember when X wore this? well see if it fits your lovechild!" that'll knock the wind out of his sails! or suggest going on holiday in 6 months and watch him squirm! I like that idea. We have loads of clothes in the attic from our grandsons, none from the girls. It might work though

I will hold my hands up and say that I have not paid anything towards the mortgage. He has always paid it, and most of the bills, etc. I did not need to work and stayed at home when the girls were little, just taking a term time job when they went to school.

*Louise*

First of all, I have no idea how you managed to put up with his shenanigans or so long! You mentioned emails from years ago, you sound long suffering for the sake of our family but he has obviously pushed you too far this time!

I echo the poster who said don't leave the house - kick him out instead!

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

I will hold my hands up and say that I have not paid anything towards the mortgage. He has always paid it, and most of the bills, etc. I did not need to work and stayed at home when the girls were little, just taking a term time job when they went to school.

That may be true, but you stayed home with the family and supported him while he built his career so please don't underestimate the value of what you have done. (Term time job still sounds like a job to me - you were bringing in money, yes? And put it towards living expenses....);)

You really won't get any satisfaction of waiting about for him to tell you. Trust me when I say you will get so much MORE satisfaction from informing him you know all about his dirty little secret. You will have taken the power and control from him and he will be on the back foot, so to speak.

Stay strong, you deserve so much better

Lou x

Fire_Fox

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

The other woman does know he is married. We had lunch one Sunday in a local pub. My eldest daughter and grandson came along as well. She was not duped or betrayed in the slightest. She knew exactly what she was getting herself involved in.

My husband told the eldest that there was a job going where this woman works. Luckily she wasn't interested anyway.

Let her have him: there is nothing more fun than the thrill of the chase, but it's a lot less exciting washing his skid marked y-fronts. I doubt he will enjoy changing nappies and broken sleep all over again, bet he tells you he regrets it within months. Don't make this easy for him, chuck his stuff in binbags, leave it in the front garden. There is no satisfaction in being told to your face that he is 'sorry', it's horrible.

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

I will hold my hands up and say that I have not paid anything towards the mortgage. He has always paid it, and most of the bills, etc. I did not need to work and stayed at home when the girls were little, just taking a term time job when they went to school.

Get legal advice as has been suggested, most solicitors will do a free half hour in such cases. You have contributed to the household by raising his children, cleaning his house, cooking his dinner, doing his laundry. You might have had a glittering career if not for that. Are there any savings? You are entitled to a share of this as well; a solicitor can freeze accounts until it's all settled. Would you prefer he spent the money on the one who couldn't keep her legs closed and probably deliberately didn't use contraception? :T

Be aware if you refuse to accept any of the joint assets the DWP *may* deem it as 'deprivation of capital' which means you won't be entitled to certain benefits because you have given up the house/ savings. When my ex and I separated I was also told a court can refuse to rubber stamp a divorce that they think is not financially fair.

Please get your finances in order too, don't assume it's all fine because it's in his name - CRB can help with this. If you have joint bank accounts this needs resolving, as if he wipes the account and it's overdraft you are both liable for the debt. If he has just got paid (end of the month) I would suggest you take out whatever cash you and the kids need to live on during July. If he moves out he is no longer liable for the council tax and can transfer the TV license elsewhere so you need to know what is what. You may be able to claim benefits whilst you look for work, but they don't get sorted overnight.

Good luck. :A

diable

End it.



...........

sashadesade

Time to end it OP. What a horrible little man! How you've put up with this situation for so long is beyond me. Sounds like the toad has done you a favour really by proving he doesn't have any respect for you, it will make it easier for you to kick him the hell out.