How do you deal with infidelity?

clearingout

oh bless you, I know how you feel. It's so overwhelming and so hard to know where to start or even what it is you need to do.

I would order your priorities in the following way:
- roof over your head and those of the children. If you are not named on the deeds to the house, you can get a Home Rights notice placed on it which will mean he couldn't sell from under you. It is the martial home, you have a right to do this. Land Registry website will give you the info you need.
- money. Work out what you need and how you're going to get it. Tax Credits, child benefit, council tax benefit, housing benefit etc. An appointment with a benefits advisor at the CAB will make sure you claim everything you're entitled to.
- THEN deal with him. Shout, scream or be cool and calm. Up to you. Tell him what you think of him and ask him to leave. If he won't leave, there are other options but let's worry about that if it happens. Does he have anywhere to go? Make a decision about how you're going to conduct yourself and stick with it - he's the one in the wrong, you don't have to listen to his crap telling you it's all your fault ('cos that's what's coming!) and you certainly do not have to deal with his girlfriend. I made an early decision that I would hold my head up as high as I could, that I wouldn't contact his family (who never contacted me) and that I wouldn't have a thing to do with her. Many people like to have it out with the other person involved but I've always taken the view that she's been told far more lies than me and if she want's someone she can never trust then she's got what she deserves. she has turned up on my doorstep on several occassions and she's been sent away each time with a flea in her ear - an angry but polite flea! She has what she wants - my husband - I am not going to be the one to enlighten her!
- Line up support for yourself - you have already got yourself on a counselling waiting list so that's good. Lean on friends, lean on virtual on-line friends and please, do look at wikivorce.com as it has a chat facility and everyone there has unlimited, unconditional support and understanding for what you're going through. The biggest single thing that helped me was knowing I wasn't alone and that my then husband's behaviour was the same as every other idiot having an affair!
- getting a solicitor is probably the last thing you need to do. At this point, they'll charge you for telling you that you should divorce him for his unreasonable behaviour and it'll cost a small fortune if he doesn't play ball. It's not really what you need to hear. Again, wikivorce if you have a good look around the site will give you the info you need to be going on with. You can worry about the specifics in a few weeks or months when you feel ready.

You CAN do this and you WILL get through it. Promise.

xxxxhelpxxxx

clearingout wrote: »

oh bless you, I know how you feel. It's so overwhelming and so hard to know where to start or even what it is you need to do.

I would order your priorities in the following way:
- roof over your head and those of the children. If you are not named on the deeds to the house, you can get a Home Rights notice placed on it which will mean he couldn't sell from under you. It is the martial home, you have a right to do this. Land Registry website will give you the info you need. I am named on the deeds and it's a joint mortgage
- money. Work out what you need and how you're going to get it. Tax Credits, child benefit, council tax benefit, housing benefit etc. An appointment with a benefits advisor at the CAB will make sure you claim everything you're entitled to. The major concern would be the mortgage payments. He had been unemployed for a year and we only coped by cashing in an endowment policy.
- THEN deal with him. Shout, scream or be cool and calm. I don't know how to do it. I want to shout and scream but I also don't want to make a fool of myself by crying hysterically (if that makes sense)Up to you. Tell him what you think of him and ask him to leave. If he won't leave, there are other options but let's worry about that if it happens. Does he have anywhere to go? Make a decision about how you're going to conduct yourself and stick with it - he's the one in the wrong, you don't have to listen to his crap telling you it's all your fault ('cos that's what's coming!) and you certainly do not have to deal with his girlfriend. I made an early decision that I would hold my head up as high as I could, that I wouldn't contact his family (who never contacted me) I love his Mum and could never not contact herand that I wouldn't have a thing to do with her. Many people like to have it out with the other person involved but I've always taken the view that she's been told far more lies than me and if she want's someone she can never trust then she's got what she deserves. she has turned up on my doorstep on several occassions and she's been sent away each time with a flea in her ear - an angry but polite flea! She has what she wants - my husband - I am not going to be the one to enlighten her!
- Line up support for yourself - you have already got yourself on a counselling waiting list so that's good. Lean on friends, lean on virtual on-line friends and please, do look at wikivorce.com as it has a chat facility and everyone there has unlimited, unconditional support and understanding for what you're going through. The biggest single thing that helped me was knowing I wasn't alone and that my then husband's behaviour was the same as every other idiot having an affair!
- getting a solicitor is probably the last thing you need to do. At this point, they'll charge you for telling you that you should divorce him for his unreasonable behaviour and it'll cost a small fortune if he doesn't play ball. It's not really what you need to hear. Again, wikivorce if you have a good look around the site will give you the info you need to be going on with. You can worry about the specifics in a few weeks or months when you feel ready.

You CAN do this and you WILL get through it. Promise.

Thank you for your kind words. I am so churned up inside. I don't know whether to send him an email, a text or do it face-to-face. Any way is going to be hard.

He must know something is wrong because I can barely speak to him, I turned my cheek when he came to give me a kiss and last night I went to bed without saying good night. Also he is doing things like actually clearing up the bathroom after himself and bringing his dinner plate into the kitchen and putting it in the dishwasher. Just little things, but totally out of character for him.

*Louise*

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

He must know something is wrong because I can barely speak to him, I turned my cheek when he came to give me a kiss and last night I went to bed without saying good night. Also he is doing things like actually clearing up the bathroom after himself and bringing his dinner plate into the kitchen and putting it in the dishwasher. Just little things, but totally out of character for him.

I think he knows you have your suspicions now. If I turned my face from my husband he would immediately want to know what I was agry about - the fact he hasn't speaks volumes

IT's gong to be stalemate for a while until one of you speaks up....and I think he is too much of a coward.

Good luck with whatever route you decide to go down xxx

xxxxhelpxxxx

*Louise* wrote: »

I think he knows you have your suspicions now. If I turned my face from my husband he would immediately want to know what I was agry about - the fact he hasn't speaks volumes

IT's gong to be stalemate for a while until one of you speaks up....and I think he is too much of a coward.

Good luck with whatever route you decide to go down xxx

Well the deed is done. I put a couple of status updates on my FB, one saying d-day soon and the other saying dirty bit. The first related to uni and the second to a song. He text me saying that he assumed the updates were about us.

I explained what they were and asked if he had something on his mind to make him think they were. He said he had but so did I and that his main problem was that he didn't feel anything anymore. I said that still didn't answer my question. He said it kind of did. And said I could hardly look at him or talk to him anymore.

I simply said that maybe I couldn't at the moment. He asked why that was. I said "this is a conversation. Maybe you could man up and drop it into it" and not to turn it on me. This was a reference to the conversation that was between him and another person. He said he wasn't sure what I was saying.

Then I told him they story of the married man who thought it was fun to mess with a woman half his age and get her pregnant. I did then tell him that I had not wanted to do this in a text conversation. He said that was probably a fair comment and perhaps we should talk when he gets home (after doing a gig). I asked him if this was what he had expected me to say and don't forget to phone her and tell her that I know. He said he would rather not.

I asked him how many other people know and he said him, his brother, her, whoever she has told and whoever told me. I know that more people know, certainly of her friends.

He said he is still trying to convince her to get rid of it but that if she know I know then she may well keep it anyway.

I then told him that I don't care either way. As far as I was concerned our marriage is over.

He said that was his concern but I hadn't wanted to go out or stay in with or have married relations with him for years.

I told him I was not going to have this turned on me and have him make it my fault. The only thing I am guilty of is not saying something sooner and being a doormat.

I haven't heard any more yet - but he is at work.

I feel like !!!!!!.

flutterby_lil

So what time is he home?

That is what men do, turn it round and blame the women!!

Well done for taking the bull by the horns so to speak and confronting him - even though it was by text! He doesn't deserve it to be brought up in conversation at the end of the day.

YOU WILL get through this with the help and support of your friends and family.

Lots of love and positivity coming your way xx

xxxxhelpxxxx

He won't be home until midnight I expect, after his disco.

He is totally turning it on me, basically saying that I am boring and won't go out and now he's just emotionally numb!!

Lucy1973

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

He won't be home until midnight I expect, after his disco.

He is totally turning it on me, basically saying that I am boring and won't go out and now he's just emotionally numb!!

I wouild put my foot down and tell him to be home a lot earlier. You can't sit and stew until midnight:eek:

vroombroom

he sounds exactly like my father - he cheated on my mum throughout their marriage, blamed her and got 2 other women pregnant.

If you stay with him, how will you cope with sharing him with another woman and child? Cos that is what will happen (I've seen it first hand)

I hope you find the strength for your sake, your daughters' and your grandchild to leave this man. They never change x

Poorhouse

I have just read this and I feel for you. My ex started using Adultfriendfinder.com and was basically looking elsewhere. We were going through IVF and it was hell. He came home one day, said nothing packed a bag and left. I fell to pieces! He told me I was boring and fat and no one would ever find me attractive!

That was 3 years ago and I am not going to lie, the first year was hell. Lawyers and bills and his new piece trying to get everything. Now 3 years on I can honestly say I kept my dignity and when he asked to come back I packed everything he owned and shut the door behind him (and cried for 2 days!). I felt like I could never get back to being me and then I realised I had no idea who me was. I am happier than I have ever been. Financially, I'm worse off than ever but I know who I am and you'll figure it out too. You're strong and whatever else happens, no one will ever get to take that away from you.

Sounds twee but its true. Now I'm getting married again and I have met an incredible guy who makes me feel special every single day!

Some things can't be fixed but they can lead to better....eventually.:A

xxxxhelpxxxx

Lucy1973 wrote: »

I wouild put my foot down and tell him to be home a lot earlier. You can't sit and stew until midnight:eek:

He cannot come home earlier - he is dj'ing a school prom!!