How do you deal with infidelity?

money_honey

I've just read all the posts on this thread and want to send you big hugs and to say stay strong - you are without a doubt doing the right thing by confronting him and I hope you find the strength to make a clean break. Having been with the same person for all of your adult life I know it will be a scary thing to leave him, but he is in the wrong no matter how much he is trying to shift the blame to you. Take care honey xxx

flutterby_lil

Yes I know not all men are the same - I have a lovely one now but had my fair share of the bad ones!!

You mean your parents taught you from a young age not "learnt me form a young age"?

Lotus-eater

flutterby_lil wrote: »

You mean your parents taught you from a young age not "learnt me form a young age"?

Oooo that soooooooooo annoys me. I know it shouldn't.....

There are bad men and women, probably in about the same percentages. Just there are many more women on here than men, so men get a bad press

Padstow

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Oooo that soooooooooo annoys me. I know it shouldn't.....

There are bad men and women, probably in about the same percentages. Just there are many more women on here than men, so men get a bad press

I think the correction was grammar, not gender.

Lotus-eater

Padstow wrote: »

I think the correction was grammar, not gender.

I was answering more than one post in my post. Men can do that y'know. Multi task.

NickyBat

Op, how are you?

xxxxhelpxxxx

Hey. Thanks for all the support.

We have been talking. I don't know yet if the marriage will stay the distance or not. I think we may be able to overcome some of the problems in our marriage but I don't know if I can ever come to terms with the fact that he has slept with another woman. He does not know for absolute certain that she is pregnant or whether she is just trying it on or winding him up. The chances are that she is, but there is still that tiny element of doubt. And I don't know if I can deal with it.

We have decided that we are not telling our girls about anything yet. He will tell that we are having some difficulties in our marriage but we are trying to sort it out. As and when we need to say anything more to them, we will.

What I am finding really difficult to reconcile is that what I thought was a reasonable marriage (not fantastic but ok) is in fact a bit of a sham. I thought that he wanted a wife that would do the home stuff for him and look after the family so that's what I did. But it appears that he wanted that and everything else as well but would not do anything to help.

Most of the problems seem to stem from a lack of communication and also the different family backgrounds that we come from. He is turning into his father and that's not necessarily a good thing. His father was a good man but had some real faults (pessimism, hoarding, always having to be right, etc).

Some of the things that he has said today have really hurt me. Not because they were necessarily nasty but that they seemed so mean (to me anyway).

I had a long chat with his mum last night. He told her some of what was going on (the part about the baby, etc) but she did not know some of the other stuff that I told her (about internet, etc). She said that she felt physically sick at the thought of it. She said that she wouldn't want anything to do with the baby, but we shall see. We both agreed though that he was a d**k.

I am still veering between wanting to stick his bal*s in a vice, punch him and her and hug him!! It's so confusing. I thought I was ok and then he said something else and now I am bal* crushing again.

I have got some fantastic support from my friends and family. I am going to phone Talking Therapies tomorrow to see if I can get in to see them more quickly. I think I need to talk to someone impartial who can actually give me advice, rather than the Samaritans who are there to listen and not give advice.

Emmzi

I don't think you can decide to move forward with him until he decides what is happening with this other woman/ baby. If she has a child then they will always be connected. I could not cope.

Are you scared of being alone? That is not a good enough reason to stay.

And whatever he says, it is clear you love him more than he loves you. His actions tell you that.

I could not stay. Be sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Not because you do not like change or are scared.

I think it is reasonable for him to pay for you to see a Relate counsellor or similar - on your own. If he does actually care, and isn't just terriied about the financial implications of divorce, he'll pony up.

Emmzi

PS why is he being mean to you? Now is the time for begging and grovelling apology! Do tell me he isn't making it your fault he had an affair, please!

If it is because you are frumpy/ too tied up with the house and kids/ not exciting in bed - simple. He's scum. Get a solicitor. He is entirely responsible for the actions of his !!!!!!. Him. 100%. End of.

xxxxhelpxxxx

Emmzi wrote: »

I don't think you can decide to move forward with him until he decides what is happening with this other woman/ baby. If she has a child then they will always be connected. I could not cope. He says does not want this other woman, nor a baby, and I believe him on that - he didn't really like ours much He did but he doesn't do babies.

Are you scared of being alone? That is not a good enough reason to stay. I am not afraid of being alone. I think I might rather like it I think I am afraid of not being able to cope financially rather than emotionally. And apparently he has thought of living alone as well

And whatever he says, it is clear you love him more than he loves you. His actions tell you that.

I could not stay. Be sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Not because you do not like change or are scared.

I think it is reasonable for him to pay for you to see a Relate counsellor or similar - on your own. If he does actually care, and isn't just terriied about the financial implications of divorce, he'll pony up. I am going to phone Talking Therapies today and see if they can get me in there any quicker. I desperately need to talk to someone impartial. He went to Talking Therapies. He never told me what he talked to them about but it was about me, his life and what to do with it. He said yesterday that it was after talking to the counsellor that he visited a swingers place, just to see what it was like. He said it was nice, not seedy. I believe that but I still don't want to go there!!!

Emmzi wrote: »

PS why is he being mean to you? Now is the time for begging and grovelling apology! Do tell me he isn't making it your fault he had an affair, please! It was things like - she sent him texts saying she was hot and hor*y and that I never did. And he liked the fact that she sent him a text occasionally. I thought work was for working!! Some of our friends do this apparently. I was really hurt by this. I told him that I did not feel like doing anything like this because I was bogged down by all the other stuff that I have to do and have nothing done in return. The friends DH makes dinner, cleans sometimes, does packed lunches, buys her flowers occasionally. Things that make someone feel like a woman and feel worthwhile

If it is because you are frumpy/ too tied up with the house and kids/ not exciting in bed - simple. He's scum. Get a solicitor. He is entirely responsible for the actions of his !!!!!!. Him. 100%. End of. That appears to be the upshot of it. Yes I am frumpy. Yes I do everything in the house. Yes I probably am not as exciting in bed as I could be.

I am a failure in his eyes. A failure as a wife, a failure as a mother, a failure as a lover and a failure as a friend.

And I am in a stick his bal*s in a vice mood today!!