How do you deal with infidelity?

jackieglasgow

He's a failure as a human being.

NickyBat

Oh please, it that the best he can come up with, your the failure in every area!!!!!!!!, typical response, what is they say something like........attack is the best form of defence?
OP, i seriously can understand your feelings of financial worry, and i am not always of the thought "dump him no matter what" but do you think after all he has done (which is more than a bit of a dalliance) you can ever get back on track properly?
can you regain the closeness and intimacy in your marriage, forgiving is one thing forgetting is quite another.

I really do wish you the best, you are a better person than me, because although it is a lot easier said than done, if i were in your position i really don't think i could carry on with this relationship.

xxxxhelpxxxx

NickyBat wrote: »

Oh please, it that the best he can come up with, your the failure in every area!!!!!!!!, typical response, what is they say something like........attack is the best form of defence?
OP, i seriously can understand your feelings of financial worry, and i am not always of the thought "dump him no matter what" but do you think after all he has done (which is more than a bit of a dalliance) you can ever get back on track properly?
can you regain the closeness and intimacy in your marriage, forgiving is one thing forgetting is quite another.

I really do wish you the best, you are a better person than me, because although it is a lot easier said than done, if i were in your position i really don't think i could carry on with this relationship.

He did not say directly that I am a failure but that is how it all comes across. My marriage has been a sham for the last 15 years and not worth anything. That's the impression I am getting from everything he says. He does not have to say it to mean it.

We cannot get the closeness of the marriage back again, ever. I think it will end eventually, even if this woman is not pregnant.

Kimitatsu

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

He did not say directly that I am a failure but that is how it all comes across. My marriage has been a sham for the last 15 years and not worth anything. That's the impression I am getting from everything he says. He does not have to say it to mean it.

We cannot get the closeness of the marriage back again, ever. I think it will end eventually, even if this woman is not pregnant.

Can I just say that it takes TWO to make or break a marriage. If he has not been prepared to help make it then really how have you been a failure?

You need to put yourself first and decide what it is you want, not him, not the niceties of being married, but you for once. Its never easy but you sound like you know what you want already, so why are you putting it off?

Emmzi

I think you know logically that you deserve so much better but are having a hard time believing it in your heart.

I truly hope counselling will help you rediscover all the lovely things about yourself that are still there.

(and I'd boot him out to live with the fancy bit or wherever he chooses. End of.)

barbiedoll

Like so many men who live in a fantasy, internet world, he is confusing a quick sordid fling with a real loving relationship.

All this texting and flirting is stuff that teenagers do, people who have been married for years do tend to get bogged down with the domestic drudgery, it's called real life. Me and OH call and text every day but only to remind each other to buy bread or take out the bins. I love my OH dearly but the thought of sending him a text telling him that I'm "hot and horny" would make him fall about laughing and I would die of embarassment to be honest. And anyway, when I'm slogging it out at work or I'm facing a pile of ironing, I don't feel particularly horny, even if I am "hot"!

Let your OH go and live his fantasy life if that's what he wants. In any case, you should get rid of him, he is just bringing you down. There's nothing frumpy or boring about a strong woman who has raised children by herself (which it sounds as though you have) and who is in control of her life. If he doesn't appreciate you, I bet there's someone out there who will. You can take control of your finances, let's face it, with a new baby, he and his pathetic excuse of a "girlfriend" (who can't get a man of her own so she has to steal someone else's) aren't going to be having much fun on his wage alone. And I very much doubt that she will be feeling particularly hot or horny once the baby has arrived. Just think, she will be coping with a newborn whilst her lovely boyfriend is locking himself away to look for women on the internet. Better her than you, surely?

Get legal advice, make sure that you get what is yours by rights, you have contributed as much to the house as he has, even if not in financial terms. Move out, move on and move up, you have the rest of your life to live, don't waste it by being with someone who makes you feel bad. He clearly doesn't understand what marriage is about, cut your losses and run. Good luck!

flexrider

flutterby_lil wrote: »

Yes I know not all men are the same - I have a lovely one now but had my fair share of the bad ones!!

You mean your parents taught you from a young age not "learnt me form a young age"?

same defintion? Thanks for the PC "free english lesson" on MSE,

Either way if you can read English you understand my point?
best to keep it in your pants if you are with someone

RachelS

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I don't have experience of infidelity (I don't think!), but I do have experience of living with a compulsive liar and someone who treats you with no respect, so I know how it feels, and no, I don't judge you for hacking his facebook, not at all.

I can't tell you what to keep putting up with and what not to. I think Relate would be great (I go myself), it's surprisingly useful even if only one partner goes, and it might give you some strategies for dealing with his tactics. These seem to involve making you feel like everything is your fault..and possibly believing it himself. I know from bitter experience what living with that is like. It's not a marriage in any real sense, in my experience.

I would also take legal advice now, so whatever you do, you'll be in the strong position you deserve to be in and protect your girls and grandson.
Whatever you decide, the one thing I'd say, is stay calm and stay strong. He is treating you with no respect...don't treat yourself with no respect either.

Get a new support system in place that doesn't involve him. I am so sorry. I know what it's like when your former best friend is your enemy. It's a lonely, dark place. But you're strong enough to come out the other side.

alison10011

I have no words to describe this man.. he is the lowest of the low and he is now dead to me... how DARE he make you feel like this - this is NOT your fault xx

pigpen

I can't believe you are still speaking to him or that he is still breathing.. what are you doing you crazy woman.. get this piece of faeces out of your home.. he is either disturbed and enjoying making you miserable or he is disturbed and revelling in the attention you are giving him.

Either way..... you ae enabling his behaviour by allowing him to stay in the house doing the things he has always done while you pick up and fetch and carry and wash up after him... you are worth so much more than this.

So far it all seems to be him telling you why you are so worthless.. why do you think that is????

Could it be to keep you 'in your place'?

Tell him you want reasons to even consider allowing him to stay not reasons why he thinks he should behave like a dog.

And tell him all the reasons you don't want him to stay!!!! This isn't all about him!