How do you deal with infidelity?

NickyBat

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

He did not say directly that I am a failure but that is how it all comes across. My marriage has been a sham for the last 15 years and not worth anything. That's the impression I am getting from everything he says. He does not have to say it to mean it.

We cannot get the closeness of the marriage back again, ever. I think it will end eventually, even if this woman is not pregnant.

Well if that's how he feels he should go and let you have peace and happiness then, instead of dragging you through the mud.

xxxxhelpxxxx

Hi guys,

I am still here Still trying to make sense of everything.

I have finally got an appointment to see a counsellor. It was supposed to be at the end of the month but has been brought froward to next week. I might actually be able to get things sorted out in my own mind as to what I want to happen.

I believe that we will spilt up but I would like it to be as amicable as possible. I think that after speaking to a counsellor I will be able to move forward with my life. At the moment I am still thinking of everyone else and not necessarily myself. I have got to face telling my mother, my dad and grandparents!! Not looking forward to that.

She BBM'd him yesterday to tell him she had been to the midwife. He said that he wasn't convinced that she was pregnant. She then invited him over to do a test. Surely she wouldn't do this if she wasn't pregnant? He told her that he wanted a DNA test. Apparently she is about 9 weeks pregnant. I think the chances of her terminating are now very small.

He said last night that one of the women he knows from DJ'ing asked him a while ago if he was sha**ing her. I think he is finally coming round to realising that he was actually having a relationship with her, not just a bit of fun and banter that he would like it to be seen as. Everyone could see that there was an emotional relationship between them, even if it was not physical for most of the time. I want to know what happened but I don't (if that makes sense). I have reiterated time and time again to him though that I cannot get over the fact that he has slept with another woman. I said that even if this woman had not got pregnant, she would have been the end of our relationship because he was emotionally involved with her. If he had a one night stand, I wonder if it would be easier to deal with?

He has told me that I can ask anything about anything and he will tell me. He does not see the point of lying or beating around the bush now!! I don't know if I want answers to some questions.

joanie

I saw your post a day or two ago but only read it all today.
(sorry this is going to be long:))
I was in a similar situation nearly 20 years ago. My first husband was having affair (no baby that i know of) and someone "kindly" let me know. I was like you - I wanted him to admit it - so we had a talk - he said he thought we should "have a break" - I let him go on and on saying there was no one else etc etc and then at the end of the conversation I just said what about "her name"? It was a fantastic moment to show him that he wasn't having it all his own way.
A hard part was feeling that everyone knew - i was being made a fool of - it had been going on over a year etc etc . I lost a good friend because she knew (or at least I was sure she did because her husband knew and I thought he would have told her) and she hadn't told me.
One of the things that helped is I found a someone to confide in... who never asked questions - never told a soul - but just let me talk it all out of my system. I have to say it took about 2 years before I "got over" it - as much as you ever get over it!
One thing someone said to me is that you have to work through it.....it's like the stages of "grief" over what might have been. Shock , denial, pain , guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, reflection, acceptance and hope.

During our "talk" he also admitted that he had had a brief fling 5 years earlier and for me that was the absolute end. The fact that he had successfuly hid the first one all that time made me realise that every time he walked out the door I would torture myself over what he was up to. I decided there and then that I was NOT going to do that to myself!

I could have wasted the next 20 years with him but I accepted that there was a lot wrong with our marriage (and it wasn't all his fault) so I used the opportunity to get out (and blame him!) (well, he had to suffer a bit don't you think?:cool:)

The only advice I would say is try to look ahead 5 years from now and imagine how you want your life to be ... if it's with him then go for it .... if not then make the changes.... just work through your feelings and do it for YOU. No-one really knows what anyone elses marriage is really like - but take your time to decide what's best for you.

Good luck and look after yourself.
x

xxxxhelpxxxx

Well he has told the girls that we are having problems, trying to work it out but don't know if we will. He then told me that S is definitely keeping it and should he go the whole hog and tell them that. I told him no because only 2 of them were there, I spoke to the middle DD earlier in the day. She is having problems with her boyfriend and was talking to me about them.

He says they took it quite well. I think they know that things have not been rosy between us for a while anyway.

I think those few words saying she was keeping it have signalled the death toll on the relationship.

xxxxhelpxxxx

joanie wrote: »

..... I let him go on and on saying there was no one else etc etc and then at the end of the conversation I just said what about "her name"? It was a fantastic moment to show him that he wasn't having it all his own way. It's fun doing that isn't it - I keep dropping in bits that he doesn't know that I know
A hard part was feeling that everyone knew - i was being made a fool of - it had been going on over a year etc etc . I lost a good friend because she knew (or at least I was sure she did because her husband knew and I thought he would have told her) and she hadn't told me.
One of the things that helped is I found a someone to confide in... who never asked questions - never told a soul - but just let me talk it all out of my system. I have to say it took about 2 years before I "got over" it - as much as you ever get over it!
One thing someone said to me is that you have to work through it.....it's like the stages of "grief" over what might have been. Shock , denial, pain , guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, reflection, acceptance and hope. That makes sense.

During our "talk" he also admitted that he had had a brief fling 5 years earlier and for me that was the absolute end. The fact that he had successfuly hid the first one all that time made me realise that every time he walked out the door I would torture myself over what he was up to. I decided there and then that I was NOT going to do that to myself! Even now I am constantly wondering where he is, who he is with and what he is doing.

I could have wasted the next 20 years with him but I accepted that there was a lot wrong with our marriage (and it wasn't all his fault) so I used the opportunity to get out (and blame him!) (well, he had to suffer a bit don't you think?:cool:) When we separate and/or divorce then his adultery will be used as the reason for it

The only advice I would say is try to look ahead 5 years from now and imagine how you want your life to be ... if it's with him then go for it .... if not then make the changes.... just work through your feelings and do it for YOU. No-one really knows what anyone elses marriage is really like - but take your time to decide what's best for you. This is where it becomes difficult because, despite all his faults, I still cannot actually imagine living without him. Or maybe I just can't at the moment.

Good luck and look after yourself.
x

I am glad it all worked out for you in the end. Not sure how mine will work out xx

Dinah93

Hey hon, how are you doing?

rachel6188

im so sorry huni. stay strong xxx

xxxxhelpxxxx

Still hanging in there No further forward, no further back. I've still got everything on hold until tomorrow when I see the Talking Therapies man and try to make some sort of sense of it in my head. I am still veering between rage and tears.

On the upside - I had a fab day out with a friend on Saturday. We went shopping and ate cakes

I had a chat with his brother at the weekend. He can't believe what has happened either. He had problems with his marriage and his wife left (very long story). He says that trust will form a major part of any future relationships that he has. He said that once trust has gone, what is there.

I am going out with my MIL for lunch today. I am looking forward to that

xxxxhelpxxxx

Well I got the all clear from the clinic today That was an amusing text to get while at lunch with his Mum She knows I went to get tested and was pleased for me.

Well at least that's one less thing to worry about. I'm not going to tell him that I have got the all clear. I wonder if he'll ask me about it?

xx

Dinah93

I certainly wouldn't tell him, and if he asks I'd say they said there were some 'anomolous results' and would advise anyone else to get tested. Little embarassment for him. Petty yes, but I'd be taking my small victories where I could if my husband had decimated my life in such a way. Glad to hear you sounding so strong x