How do you deal with infidelity?

NickyBat

Agree with Dinah93

xxxxhelpxxxx

Well, I had a good chat with the Talking Therapies guy today.

I think I've opened a can of worms with regard to my early life. He made me remember and realise things that I thought I had forgotten about. Things that have a bearing on who I am now and why I do things that I do.

He has suggested couples counselling, whether we split or stay. He thinks it will probably be beneficial to both of us to talk and make sure we are making the right decisions for the right reasons. Even if we split up, I would like it to be amicable, mostly because we have so many friends in common and I don't want my girls to think that they are stuck in the middle of two parents that hate each other. Which we don't.

We discussed the main reason for me coming to see him. Originally it was because I thought he was having an affair and of course it turned out far worse than that!! I want to talk through my feelings with someone who specialises in getting people to talk and asking the right questions.

I don't know whether I feel better or worse after seeing him. Time will tell I suppose. I have another 5 weeks with him.

Sublime_2

Its not something I've ever had to deal with. Dump him; he's not worth it. It should have been done when he was advertising himself on the net, but better late than never.

Get advise from a solicitor asap. Hugs, as I've been through a relationship breakdown too. xx

xxxxhelpxxxx

Sublime wrote: »

Its not something I've ever had to deal with. Dump him; he's not worth it. It should have been done when he was advertising himself on the net, but better late than never.

Get advise from a solicitor asap. Hugs, as I've been through a relationship breakdown too. xx

In hindsight that's exactly what I should have done - confronted him and let him know in no uncertain terms that it was not to happen again.

My problem appears to be two fold. 1. my mother screw'd me over for life with her actions when I was younger and 2. my husband has got some narcissistic tendencies that prevent me from ever winning with anything.

A couple of years ago, we have an argument because I happened to mention, when we were in town, that I would like to go around the town on a Friday or Saturday night as a police civilian observer (seeing what they get up to and what they have to deal with). He has a problem with authority at the moment (police, tax men, etc) because of their "silly rules that prevent anyone from doing anything". He could not understand why I wanted to do this and stormed off, leaving me in tears trailing behind him in the middle of the night. All because he cannot, or does not want to, see anyone else's viewpoint.

His way is the only way - everyone else is wrong. Everyone has to want to go out to a loud pub to talk, our eldest is supposed to like going out (even though she doesn't). It's even for simple things such as what programmes are put on a computer, how the other dj's work, how I do the washing (!!). I just ignore him most of the time now - it's not worth the hassle of arguing about it.

But all these point towards a need for power and having some narcissistic traits. Some of the things that he wants from our relationship (sx-wise) point towards him needing power. Hmm - there should be a few more interesting sessions with the counsellor!!!

rachel6188

huni. im so sorry he has done this to you. stay strong xxxx

xxxxhelpxxxx

Well I've been to a solicitor to talk about my options. Just waiting for these to be put in writing because I can't remember half of what he said!! But basically he said that I should not move out under any circumstances, he should do. I think the worst thing is trying to come to terms with what life might be like. I have told his mum that I cannot see the marriage succeeding.

I have just found out also that someone (J) my eldest works with is a good friend of the other woman (S). DD has just added J as a friend and I thought "I recognise that name", looked on the S's profile and there J is, talking to S. The place my DD works is only a tiny place with a few workers. Luckily it is holiday time so that will buy a bit of time to not worry about her putting two and two together. I don't know if J knows that S is pregnant and if she does, who the father is!!! That could be an interesting conversation!!!

NickyBat

You are being amazing, so strong keep it up

Beckyy

Stay strong, and keep in regular contact with your solicitor. You will be better off without being married from this man, however difficult it is to get through it all.

xxxxhelpxxxx

Well he told me this morning that J does know that S is pregnant and who the father is!!! And who DD is. How is DD going to work with her when they go back in September? If she tells her anything before husband does a chance to I will be so !!!!ed off. Doesn't my life just keep getting better.

We are trying desperately not to say or do anything before a big family party in August. My grandparents have got a 65th anniversary and a 90th birthday and are coming down our way for a party. Obviously my DSis knows what is going on but she won't say anything.

I’ve got to do something soon. I don’t know how much longer I can go on being around him. It is killing me. All I can think about is him being with her. I don’t care how it happened. All I know is that it did. I am just waiting for the solicitor’s letter to come through so that I can be clear in my mind what I need to do. Two of my DD's are going on holiday straight after and I was supposed to be going with them for a few days. If I tell him to get out, how can I then go on holiday?

I have got NHS bursary forms to complete before 5th August. I can't even do these because he hasn't bothered to do accounts yet.

His brother meeting her feels like betrayal. His brother (my husband) has been with another woman and BiL thinks about the fact that he is going to be an uncle again so had better meet her!!! What’s next – his mum meeting her, the girls having a meeting with her?

alison10011

Hmmm, ok, so..

1) Is it really ideal that he goes to the "big family party"...? Can you absolutely guarantee that your DSis isn't going to say anything? Is it just possible that being in the same room as that lying cheating pig of a "call himself a man" might, just might be too much to bear..? :-)

2) I cannot believe that your BiL is going to meet her!!! At the very most, he should meet the baby when it's born - to meet her legitimises S's relationship with your pig of a husband - does this mean that he is still seeing her if there is this kind of conversation going on??

3) Your girls need to be told NOW... It's gone on too long. It will come out.. the town is too small. They will be ok - I promise.

Just my HO as always - and as always you are welcome to it..

Keep on swimming xx