How do you deal with infidelity?

xxxxhelpxxxx

alison10011 wrote: »

Hmmm, ok, so..

1) Is it really ideal that he goes to the "big family party"...? Can you absolutely guarantee that your DSis isn't going to say anything? Is it just possible that being in the same room as that lying cheating pig of a "call himself a man" might, just might be too much to bear..? :-) I cannot of course guarantee that my DSis won't say anything but I would hope that she wouldn't for the sake of me and the girls

2) I cannot believe that your BiL is going to meet her!!! At the very most, he should meet the baby when it's born - to meet her legitimises S's relationship with your pig of a husband - does this mean that he is still seeing her if there is this kind of conversation going on?? He has certainly had contact with her. I know he has been on BBM to her (or responded to her). He knows when her scan is. BiL met her about 10 days ago.

3) Your girls need to be told NOW... It's gone on too long. It will come out.. the town is too small. They will be ok - I promise. It is a very, very small town as I am finding out almost daily.

Just my HO as always - and as always you are welcome to it..

Keep on swimming xx

After talking to my friend this morning, something needs to be done very, very soon. I am hoping that the letter from the solicitor will come through very soon so that everything is there in black and white.

I will be talking to my DSis and friend later

Dinah93

Your girls need to hear it from your and (what term do you prefer, Dear Husband seems a lie when Cheating Scoundrel seems much more accurate) before they hear it from someone else.

Can you call the solicitors and chase up the letter?

xxxxhelpxxxx

Dinah93 wrote: »

Your girls need to hear it from your and (what term do you prefer, Dear Husband seems a lie when Cheating Scoundrel seems much more accurate) before they hear it from someone else.

Can you call the solicitors and chase up the letter?

I just call him husband on here, not dear or anything like that!!

I have emailed the solicitor. They were going to send it via email rather than post. Hopefully I might get something tomorrow before I go and see the counsellor again.

neverdespairgirl

If there's any chance your daughters will find out from someone else, please do tell them now. It's going to be a terrible thing for them to hear, but so much worse if they hear it from a third party.

You are responsible for half of the issues in your marriage, as is he. But he is 100% responsible for choosing to go outside your relationship and be unfaithful. That is in no way your fault. Don't let it be your responsibility for a second. And he's obviously chosen to have unprotected sex, too, which puts your health at risk.

I'm not of the "cheater therefor automatically dump" mentality. I've not been cheated on myself, but I think it's hard to make a rule about something like that until it happens.

But I do think that if there is to be any chance of recovery in a relationship from infidelity, it has to involve serious contrition and acceptance of fault by the cheater, otherwise there is no chance at all. And it raises alarm bells that he's been looking for a chance to cheat, actively searching it out.

I also think it would be hard, near impossible, to deal with a child born of an affair.

xxxxhelpxxxx

Well the girls have been told. He told them at a time that they were all together at the eldest's flat. The middle DD ran off soon after he told them. She came home to see me but I was asleep so she phoned a couple of friends and then went to bed. The other 2 stayed at the eldest's house. He talked to them for about 3 hours. I don't know exactly what was said but I think he told them our whole life story. He told them that he had been a carp husband, that he was a narcissist and I was to blame for stuff as well. But he still thinks he is not to blame!!

This morning the middle DD had to go to work. She came in to my bedroom before she did and climbed in with me (she hasn't done this for a long time). I thought she was going hypo (T1 diabetic) so we went downstairs to sort her out. She broke down and sobbed her heart out for ages. I told her to tell work sort of what has happened so they knew she was upset about something if she suddenly broke down.

Husband came downstairs a little while later to go to work and said he had heard her crying with me and said if she had stayed last night she would have heard the whole story!!! She probably heard as much as she needed to!!!

Anyway - fast forward to this afternoon. I have been composing a letter to him because I am useless at saying things out loud. Basically I told him that I was not going to let him bring me down any more, I was strong enough now to say enough is enough, and that I wanted to separate and him to move out. I sent it to him by email

When he came home we had a discussion about it. It mainly consisted of him being sulky and saying that he would get nothing and might as well just move out with a rucksack on his back. I asked him how he expected it to end? With us walking off into the sunset together? Or did he expect me to ignore it as usual?

He cannot see how he can pay the mortgage and bills and also rent a place somewhere else for him to live in. I can see his point on that front.

I suggested that he went to see a solicitor and he just said that he knew what they would say and what was the point. He is trying to play the hard done by, poor me card.

I am going to phone the mortgage company on Monday to see if they will go to interest only payments. That will save quite a bit of money and might make the difference between him staying or going.

NickyBat

Don't let him pull the "woe is me" card, you have been incredibly strong and brave up to now, but now you need to be even more so for your girls.
If he hasn't got the money well that's tough he will have to work something out....but then he should have thought about this a long time ago.

Chin up girl, you're doing brilliantly !
x

xxxxhelpxxxx

He is a prikc!! I went down to see my friend last night and drank gin with her She told me quite a few feelings that other people had about him - some of our friends couldn't stand being with him for long. He was a prevert, the way he spoke to people was inappropriate, he was always commenting on his small nob and the fact that he never got any!! At the time we all just used to laugh and say it's just him being funny but now it seems really sleazy.

I can't wait till next week when I can get on the phone to the mortgage company, find out about the mortgage payments and start things rolling.

He has already talked about "what is he going to do without his computer room". He has got loads and loads of computers that don't actually do anything. In his mind he is a multi million pound business that needs terrabytes of storage and processing power. In reality he needs not a lot because he runs his disco's off a computer and hosts one website!!! The cost of our internet and electricity is phenomenal all because he runs things he does not need to. He does not see it this way because in his mind he is right and needs all this stuff! But all this stuff has taken over my dining room as well as a room secured with a metal door outside. He has a desk in the office with me but he has covered it in carp (bits of computers) so that he cannot use it. I daren't move any of it because he will throw a wobbly.

Emmzi

and you care about him throwing a wobbly why, exactly?

xxxxhelpxxxx

I don't any more. I used to because it meant if I could do anything that meant a quieter life for me, it would be better in the long run. More fool me!!!

NickyBat

I'd be doing things to make him have a wobbly now and sit back and laugh at him.