How do you deal with infidelity?

luckynan

kick him out of your life. same advice, solicitor first. believe in yourslef, you can make it through.

NickyBat

Woke up VERY early thinking about you and wondering how you are. Still asking myself what i would do as it's very easy to come on here and tell you to get shut of him. BUT after a lot of thinking i have to say i think i actually would. Hubby and i have often had the conversation - he maintains he can't understand why any man would want more than one woman as one is hard enough, i always think that most (and i realise not all) may do it if they think they won't get caught and it's handed to them on a plate.

Having said all that, when you have a home and children still living with you (and if im correct a grandchild also in your case) it's very difficult to possibly have to uproot them and change all their lives, and as i said in my earlier post you CAN get over an affair (ive seen it done) but a pregnancy is another matter - that i could not live with, and for that reason he would have to go.

i can understand you not saying anything at the moment - you want him to tell you to see him squirm -(although i know for certain i could not keep my mouth shut), i also think you should have spoken up a long time ago and put a stop to his behaviour.

NOW is the time to sort this out, but on your terms not his - he has been a very stupid, selfish man, and you are worthy of more than this.

xxxxhelpxxxx

Morning, thanks for all your comments. I am having a really !!!!!! morning - crying. But held it together until he left for work.

I have just written the following on my blog. It is not aimed at anyone on here - just my random thoughts on what you all have said, which I really appreciate.

It's so easy for everyone to say "kick him out", "get rid of him", "I wouldn't put up with it", "this is what you should do", "leave him". It's so easy when you are looking in on someone else's life but not when it's your own. You have an emotional tie to your own life - not to someone else's.

I know all that but it is still not easy at all. I have been with this man for most of my life, all of my adult life and have known nothing else. In some strange way I suppose I still love him but I cannot live with him at all any more. The thought of what he did just makes my skin crawl and the tears start afresh.

One person says just leave, another says kick him out, I don't know what to do - it's his home as well. Memories are here, both good and bad.

My girls are now my life. I would do any thing to protect them. It's going to be hard on them as well. They know their father is not perfect, but he is still their father. They know he is a !!!! but he is still their father.

I've got to deal with this now.

I've got to be strong.

I've got to put myself first for a change.

pinkshoes

Put some clothes in a bin liner for him, phone him, tell him that you know about S, and that he can collect his bag of clothes on his way home from work.

Or drop the clothes off at the nursery where S works, and tell him to pick them up from there.

It may be his home as well, but he's the one that has treated you like a door mat, so he needs to now give you some space. It's time to show him that you are NOT a door mat, but a human being who has feelings.

pigpen

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

Morning, thanks for all your comments. I am having a really !!!!!! morning - crying. But held it together until he left for work.

I have just written the following on my blog. It is not aimed at anyone on here - just my random thoughts on what you all have said, which I really appreciate.

It's so easy for everyone to say "kick him out", "get rid of him", "I wouldn't put up with it", "this is what you should do", "leave him". It's so easy when you are looking in on someone else's life but not when it's your own. You have an emotional tie to your own life - not to someone else's.

I know all that but it is still not easy at all. I have been with this man for most of my life, all of my adult life and have known nothing else. In some strange way I suppose I still love him but I cannot live with him at all any more. The thought of what he did just makes my skin crawl and the tears start afresh.

One person says just leave, another says kick him out, I don't know what to do - it's his home as well. Memories are here, both good and bad.

My girls are now my life. I would do any thing to protect them. It's going to be hard on them as well. They know their father is not perfect, but he is still their father. They know he is a !!!! but he is still their father.

I've got to deal with this now.

I've got to be strong.

I've got to put myself first for a change.

It is easy for us to say... but to actually make that move is hard

How many of us here have done it though???

I have.. best thing I ever did, my 1 regret... I didn't do it sooner!!!!!!!

I was happier, my children were happier.

I know I have put this before on here in various places.. but..

3 weeks after he went I heard a funny noise.. and I had to go investigate... it was my daughter laughing... it had been so long since she had been happy I had forgotten what my own daughters laughter sounded like!!!!!

Yes it is hard, yes your life changes beyond all recognition but by heck it is worth every ounce of the trouble.

How many things have you done FOR YOU in the last 25 years?

Do this one thing for you..

I was with KH from being 14... 20 years he had making my life miserable.

clearingout

It IS hard letting go of a marriage. In the early days of my separation - despite the fact what had been going on was as obvious as a 10ft high neon, glowing pink sign - I'd have done anything to save things. I'd have put up with it, I'd have gone along with it and I'd have pretended it never happened.

Fortunately, my ex did the hard work for me. He walked. He demanded a divorce. He got what he wanted. I have said before here but worth saying again - 2 1/2 years later, I know that he's done me a favour and whilst I have yet to say I'm 'happy', I am not 'unhappy' and I am working very hard to reaching that light at the end of the tunnel. It's not been easy. But at some point, self-preservation kicked in/we passed the point of no return and once that happens, the mind clears and things start to look better.

Do not worry about managing financially as you will manage- I manage on less than 1/4 of what we had when together and whilst we do 'go without' in comparison to how life used to be, we have what we need and have learnt to enjoy the simple things like picnics in the park with a ball, walks along the beach, and free events like the carnival we went to last weekend! It just requires a bit of a change in the mindset. Bringing up children is seen as an equal contribution to a marriage - he doesn't get to keep everything just because he put the money in. Equally, he doesn't lose everything just because it's him in the wrong.

Is your marriage worth saving? Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Are you ever going to trust him? Some couples do recover from an affair. Others put up with their other half's indiscretions because it suits them to be in the marriage for financial or social or emotional reasons. There is nothing wrong with that if you are clear and 'happy' in your choices. But for most of us, there is no going back, even if we long for the fairy tale happy ever after. You might find an appointment with a counsellor or at Relate on your own will give you some support in clearing your mind and working out where you want to go next. If you make the decision to split, I promise you that there is life after this and that life after this is actually OK!

xxxxhelpxxxx

clearingout wrote: »

It IS hard letting go of a marriage. In the early days of my separation - despite the fact what had been going on was as obvious as a 10ft high neon, glowing pink sign - I'd have done anything to save things. I'd have put up with it, I'd have gone along with it and I'd have pretended it never happened.

Fortunately, my ex did the hard work for me. He walked. He demanded a divorce. He got what he wanted. I have said before here but worth saying again - 2 1/2 years later, I know that he's done me a favour and whilst I have yet to say I'm 'happy', I am not 'unhappy' and I am working very hard to reaching that light at the end of the tunnel. It's not been easy. But at some point, self-preservation kicked in/we passed the point of no return and once that happens, the mind clears and things start to look better.

Do not worry about managing financially as you will manage- I manage on less than 1/4 of what we had when together and whilst we do 'go without' in comparison to how life used to be, we have what we need and have learnt to enjoy the simple things like picnics in the park with a ball, walks along the beach, and free events like the carnival we went to last weekend! It just requires a bit of a change in the mindset. Bringing up children is seen as an equal contribution to a marriage - he doesn't get to keep everything just because he put the money in. Equally, he doesn't lose everything just because it's him in the wrong.

Is your marriage worth saving? Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Are you ever going to trust him? Some couples do recover from an affair. Others put up with their other half's indiscretions because it suits them to be in the marriage for financial or social or emotional reasons. There is nothing wrong with that if you are clear and 'happy' in your choices. But for most of us, there is no going back, even if we long for the fairy tale happy ever after. You might find an appointment with a counsellor or at Relate on your own will give you some support in clearing your mind and working out where you want to go next. If you make the decision to split, I promise you that there is life after this and that life after this is actually OK!

I am currently on the waiting list for Talking Therapies but not too sure how long the wait is. Ironically I was put on it because I broke down in the doctors surgery and asked him how well Relate would work, just for me to talk. This was before I knew about the worst part. I also started a Dealing with stress group course last week. Looks like I'll get plenty of practice.

I emailed solicitors today but they don't seem to do the free consultations any more. The best I could get was a reduced fee consultation. A friend suggested looking at our house insurance and seeing if the legal cover on there would cover this situation.

I can never trust him again. I have got to get on with dealing with it.

bargainbetty

ukjoel wrote: »

Maybe talk to him.

The fact you havent by this point sort of suggest what has gone wrong in this relationship. I have read the two pages of 'kick him out' posts which will no doubt flame me like a kebab but I see it this way.

You stop talking, probably stop getting intimate, and the marriage becomes one of convenience.

He still has needs, and maybe you have too but you dont talk or discuss them so its easier for him to browse the net for some other stimulation.

On the way he discovers this woman - she is in same boat, bored, frustrated and so the affair begins.

Now he is labelled a nasty old man because he wanted to be happy.
Has he killed someone, is he a child molester, has he claimed too much tax credit - NO - he just wants to be happy.

Try talking to him, not us, not other strangers on the internet, not your sister, but him.

Lifes too short to spend it being miserable and regretting things. Either fix it or leave it.

He is a grown man. If he is unhappy, he can talk to his wife about it, rather than shagging about behind her back, exposing her to all manner of diseases and heartbreak.

Anyone who has 'needs' can deal with it by having a quick one off the wrist, and then spend his time focusing on his marriage and children, and making those work for him. It is physically possible to keep your pants done up even if you haven't had sex in a while.

If a person decides he really wants someone else, then he should leave first - don't overlap, you show no respect for anyone in the triangle.

Grow up, and stop making excuses, UKjoel. The man behaved like a rear end, and this lady is well shot of him and his 'needs'.

flutterby_lil

Awww hon sending big (((((((hugs)))))))

I was once with a man who got somebody pregnant after us only being together 2 months, I caught him having sex with somebody on the settee whilst I was in bed asleep and found out numerous times he had cheated - i stayed with him for 10 years, hoping and thinking that I would be the one to change him!! I didn't and deep down knew I never would. It was a challenege at first, but one that I am so grateful I gave up on. He too was always on internet sites etc. He is now in prison for drug dealing - glad I had a lucky escape a few years ago.

The point is that you won't change him. Give up now before it gets worse.

I am now in a happy relationship (it does have it's ups and downs, as everybody does) where I can say I trust my man - it has taken a lot to build this trust but I am so much happier.

Good luck.
xxx

MRMP_2

Hello xxxxhelpxxxx,

I feel for you I really do.

Whilst waiting for help from counselling (it can take some time), you should really confide in your close friends that you have at the moment.

It sounds like you need a real good ‘shake’ and bringing a bit back to reality a bit to be honest.

You’ve put up with the ‘little bits’ for so long that maybe it’s made you a bit soft.

Leave him for your kids sake if not for your own, after all you don’t want your kids to take after you and put up with such a fool.

Confront him a chuck him out of the house, you’ve done no wrong so it should be you who’s staying put.

I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to dwell on what might happen so much, get it done because you owe it to yourself to not put up with a looser for so long. Don’t take any excuses either!!

Take care, and please keep us updated on your health.