How do you deal with infidelity?

Emmzi

I must say you have lost my sympathy with all the twisted spying. Divorce him, leave or throw him out, but the way you are behaving is sickening. You know you don't want to be married so just stop. It's no good for you and it isn't achieving anything. Let him get on with it; it's like you are a cat playing with a half dead mouse.

xxxxhelpxxxx

inspirespirit wrote: »

Also, you mentioned that he had accused you of not having 'marital relations' for years. Is this true? You are both really young and at 42/43 that is far too young to have stopped having sex. I would quite happily have s3x with him, if it were not for his p0rn and playing with himself habit. When you know that each session is going to last for at least an hour, and usually really late at night, it's enough to put the most willing person off.

I think his behaviour is absolutely abominable, but I do think you need to ask yourself some serious questions as to why you stopped wanting sex with him. As above! Most men will 'wander' if they don't get it for 'years'. Sorry, but that is a biological fact unless you have some kind of illness.

I also think it is weird that you are living with him, yet still 'spying' on him. You are just torturing yourself. You are, of course, right. I should just stop doing it. But it is a bit "fascinating" now. I almost find it laughable at times, seeing him thinking he is getting away with all sorts when I now totally the opposite.

Hi,

I am sorry I have just re-read this bit and realised I haven't answered it. Do you know what it's like to have your husband watch really degrading p0rn and for you to be thinking he is expecting you to be doing the same? It puts you off it. When it is 2 o'clock in the morning and he is just coming to bed, wakes you up and tries it on. When you know he is looking for other women, even when s3x life was "healthy". When he is asking other women to visit him in a hotel. When you try and spice things up and it does but he forgets!! When he treats you like another bloke, not a woman. I do all the housework, the gardening, the washing, cleaning cars, taking rubbish to the dump, organising our life, sort out his snake and dog, do the washing up. Yes I know that many other women do this, but I am not many other women, I am me and I want to be treated like a woman. I have tried asking him to do things, leaving notes for him to do things, leaving things wherever they fall in the vain hope that someone else might do something. It does not work. It grinds you down in the end. It's a vicious circle - I feel under-appreciated and so does so we end up doing nothing for each other. We have already agreed that this is both of our problem but it has gone too far now to be redeemed.

xxxxhelpxxxx

Emmzi wrote: »

I must say you have lost my sympathy with all the twisted spying. Divorce him, leave or throw him out, but the way you are behaving is sickening. You know you don't want to be married so just stop. It's no good for you and it isn't achieving anything. Let him get on with it; it's like you are a cat playing with a half dead mouse.

Once again, it's easy for an outsider to say leave him, throw him out but not so easy when it is happening to you I have been with this man since I was 17, it's a long time. What am I supposed to do - live on the street? I cannot force him to leave our house either. It is his as much as it is mine.

If you read the post above, I am finding a solicitor this week. The papers are already filled in ready.

The spying on him is so that I know that he is lying to me. He is very good at twisting everything I say round and making it out to be my fault. I would end up apologising for his behaviour if he had his way. I want to let him get on with it. He has told friends and family that he has been a bit naughty once and this girl deliberately chased him and got pregnant - that's his story to everyone around us.

Emmzi

You now have enough evidence to sink him, however, but seem to be revelling in it. What is the point?

xxxxhelpxxxx

Emmzi, I appreciate exactly what you are saying. I am scared, very scared. I think that's the main thing. No matter how many people say they will be there for me, no-one can be here 24/7 whenever I want to talk. No-one wants to listen when I want to talk over and over about the same thing I am not revelling in it. I think if I were I might be posting every day rather than every 10 or so days now.

Emmzi

I hope the solicitor would help. Me, I'd rather be away with my kids in a wee studio flat than with a man I found morally repugnant sharing my bed on whatever basis. It's not especially his morals or exploits, that is up to him, but the lying and breaking of the agreement (marriage) he had with you.

Right now money seems to be more important than morals to you, as does point scoring at how utterly awful he is. This is not helping you move on. Good luck, there are some fantastic threads on this board from women (and a few men) who have left and started over. I hope soon you are one of them.

Plans_all_plans

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

No-one wants to listen when I want to talk over and over about the same thing
.

But if you put the divorce wheels in motion then you won't be talking over and over about the same thing as you will be beginning to move on.

They wont want to listen to you going on about the problems in your relationship if you're not doing anything to get shot of him, but once you start the process of moving on they'll be happy to listen, I'm sure.

xxxxhelpxxxx

Emmzi wrote: »

I hope the solicitor would help. Me, I'd rather be away with my kids in a wee studio flat than with a man I found morally repugnant sharing my bed on whatever basis. It's not especially his morals or exploits, that is up to him, but the lying and breaking of the agreement (marriage) he had with you.

Right now money seems to be more important than morals to you, as does point scoring at how utterly awful he is. This is not helping you move on. Good luck, there are some fantastic threads on this board from women (and a few men) who have left and started over. I hope soon you are one of them.

Thank you Emmzi. you may have just given me the kick up the backside that I need.

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

But if you put the divorce wheels in motion then you won't be talking over and over about the same thing as you will be beginning to move on.

They wont want to listen to you going on about the problems in your relationship if you're not doing anything to get shot of him, but once you start the process of moving on they'll be happy to listen, I'm sure.

Sometimes talking is the only way to make sense of something. There is a much wider "story" than just our marriage - it extends to affecting friends and family because of some of his actions. I want to move on but it's scary. If I could move from where I am now to being on my own with the girls and miss out the bit in the middle, that would be ideal

Thank you for your inputs.

xxxx

melancholly

don't expect his family to side with you and ignore this woman and her baby - once the shock is over, they will want to get to know the new relative. it would be unfair on the child to be shunned because of the hideous way he was conceived. this means that this woman will be around for the long term. there's no way round that. that's what would make me walk away. there will be constant reminder of his infidelity......

i hope by now you're sleeping in another room or he is sleeping on the sofa. you're wallowing in all the hideous details (understandably - these are quite some revelations!) but you do need to get past that to make decisions.

so far, he's had all the control. just making decisions and plans will give the control back to you and you will no longer be the victim of the situation.

victory

Best of luck