Daughter is pregnant - at 15!

jtr2803

Errata wrote: »

I suspect the daughter saying she's not too sure about talking things through with someone experienced in teenage pregnancy is because not doing so means she doesn't have to take any action. Doing so means she has to take action. This seems to echo not taking any action until she was forced to tell her mum, not taking any action to tell the father, not taking any action to tell her own father, not taking any action to tell her close friend(s), not taking any action to obtain medical advice.
With this in mind, I suspect she will shy away from a termination as that would require her to take some action, whilst continuing with the pregnancy requires no action on her part.

Yes, unfortunately it is very bury-your-head-in-the-sand. A typical response for most things in a teenagers mindset but pregnancy is one of the things this reaction doesn't lend to.

Fly_Baby

jtr2803, I wish I could thank you more than once for your post. Absolutely spot on.

poet123

jtr2803 wrote: »

I've been reading this thread for a number of days now and have read both sides of the argument so thought I would add in my thoughts and experiences.

I fell pregnant at 17 and was fortunate enough to have a stable boyfriend and a very supportive mum. We decided to keep the baby and my daughter will be 11 this August. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have had her. I love her to bits now she is here and she is growing into a child any parent would be proud of, unfortunately I can't really take the credit for that, it's mostly due to my mum. I got the big speeches about how with some determination and support I could still go back to a career and that is exactly what I did....at my daughters expense. I now have a great career but a daughter that chose to live with my mum when I moved out two years ago because I was always working full time and sitting exams etc. I am now attempting to build bridges with her and I am incredibly grateful to my mum for providing a home full of love and support but as a mother I have failed in many respects.

It's all well and good saying she can still have a career and prospects and I would not disagree, but at what price does that come financially and emotionally? I often get asked if I would have any more children and even though I am now 29 I still don't see myself as being 'ready'. You can obviously feel free to disagree with me but being a good parent is more than providing a home/food and clothing, it's about being able to cope with a lack of sleep, having the life experience to cope with stressful situations and fraught relationships...something which most of us don't have in our teenage years and maybe into our twenties as well. I am not by any means saying that teenage mothers are bad mothers but I have also seen friends who have gone back to Uni with small children spend little time with them to complete their studies and then finish Uni to end up with no job because they can't afford childcare or don't have the experience to get a job.

Anyone can tell you that when your child is born you will feel unconditional love for them and it's true, you do, but you may also feel resentful due to stress and money conditions. Time with a growing child is precious and I truly believe that it is best enjoyed when in a long term loving and stable relationship, not when you are pressured to continue studying and/or pursue a career. Pregnancy doesn't always happen at the best of times but at least at 20+ you have the ability to rationalise and consider the future but at 15/16/17 I am not sure that you do.

Thank you for that, it can't have been easy to be so honest, and you and other posters, Vicktory included, are the face of the future for this young woman if she chooses the path you did, so your perspective is very valuable.

Those of us who have been saying similar things from another perspective have been disbelieved, or castigated for being negative, perhaps now, when several of you who have been there have been so open, they will see it is for the best that all avenues whether positive or negative, are explored, and information and experiences discussed openly.

Errata

taxi36 wrote: »

Who exactly do you think you are giving out your orders? I will type in whatever color I please thank you kindly!

Seriously , some people think they have certain rights on this board :rotfl:

I didn't 'give out orders', I made a polite request. I'm sorry you didn't read it that way.

poet123

Cerisa wrote: »

This is a study from May 2011 http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_induced_abortion.html - granted it's about America but the facts are fairly applicable to the Uk as well.



• Eighteen percent of U.S. women obtaining abortions are teenagers

• About 61% of abortions are obtained by women who have one or more children.URL="http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_induced_abortion.html#6"]6[/URL

• Forty-two percent of women obtaining abortions have incomes below 100% of the federal poverty level ($10,830 for a single woman with no children).
• Twenty-seven percent of women obtaining abortions have incomes between 100-199% of the federal poverty level.* URL="http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_induced_abortion.html#6"]6[/URL
• The reasons women give for having an abortion underscore their understanding of the responsibilities of parenthood and family life. Three-fourths of women cite concern for or responsibility to other individuals; three-fourths say they cannot afford a child; three-fourths say that having a baby would interfere with work, school or the ability to care for dependents; and half say they do not want to be a single parent or are having problems with their husband or partner.URL="http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_induced_abortion.html#7"]7[/URL

Sorry, but in this case I don't believe the stats are equally applicable to the UK, we mustn't forget there is little in the way of benefits in the US and healthcare is not free. So, the definition of poverty there is very different to ours. I don't believe poverty is the biggest decider re Abortion in the UK.

Errata

poet123 wrote: »

Thank you for that, it can't have been easy to be so honest, and you and other posters, Vicktory included, are the face of the future for this young woman if she chooses the path you did, so your perspective is very valuable.

Those of us who have been saying similar things from another perspective have been disbelieved, or castigated for being negative, perhaps now, when several of you who have been there have been so open, they will see it is for the best that all avenues whether positive or negative, are explored, and information and experiences discussed openly.

I agree, it's only when all possible information is to hand that an informed choice can be made. When it isn't, wrong choices can easily be made for the wrong reasons.

Lunar_Eclipse

Errata wrote: »

I suspect the daughter saying she's not too sure about talking things through with someone experienced in teenage pregnancy is because not doing so means she doesn't have to take any action. Doing so means she has to take action. This seems to echo not taking any action until she was forced to tell her mum, not taking any action to tell the father, not taking any action to tell her own father, not taking any action to tell her close friend(s), not taking any action to obtain medical advice.
With this in mind, I suspect she will shy away from a termination as that would require her to take some action, whilst continuing with the pregnancy requires no action on her part.

... and then loads of action, that aren't currently on her radar!

I totally agree with this post, but would add that it's common (teenage) behaviour, so not a slur on the OP's daughter.

Fly_Baby

Another thing to bear in mind: if termination is a possibility then it is somewhat easier not to dwell on this decision too much. The more you think the more you get attached to your baby and more get used to the idea of pregnancy - which is what you want to avoid if your mind is set on not going ahead.

I have never had an abortion but I considered it very seriously with my first pregnancy. I was 23, not 15, and I had a loving husband, not an uncommited boyfriend, but the child really wasn't on the cards in my life. I had just graduated from Uni, I had just sort of embarked on a grown-up life - and being tied down felt unbearable.

I didn't go ahead with abortion and I had my boy whom I love to bits. Next I could just copy and paste jtr2803's story, with minor adjustments (such as he lives with us, not with my Mum). I don't wish that I had aborted him - but I do wish that I hadn't fallen pregnant with him that early. I was not ready at all and he deserved having a better Mum than I was in his early years.

jtr2803

Thanks Fly Baby and Poet123. I think that it is far too easy for us all to gush about how much love we feel for our children but no one really gives you a proper heads up about how it feels to be up all night with a sicky baby when you have work at 9am the next day or Uni work to do.

I can't remember the name of the actual programmes but I do remember a series of TV shows were youngsters were asked to look after babies/dolls for a short period of time. Many of them simply could not cope and admitted that they would no longer be having unprotected sex and would actively look at preventing a pregnancy. No one can ever explain just how damn hard parenting can be.

pigpen

While I acknowledge the posters who with hindsight would have a termination could they turn back time.. I wouldn't.. my decision to become a mum was the best decision I ever made. I wouldn't swap them for the world.. and if I could have my time over they would be the things I wouldn't change.. Yes their opinion is valid and relevant TO THEM! It is not necessarily relevant or appropriate to the OP or her daughter, and is giving a one sided opinion, as would my feelings, which are not necessarily applicable to the OP/DD.

I had a termination when very young.. and it was the best decision for me at that time, I chose to continue with DS1 because that too was the best decision for me at that time. I don't think other people saying they would do X or Y could they turn back time is helpful or constructive TBH just confusing as there are so many different experiences and personalities.

I still think direct questions as is normal to give a much younger child.. Do you want to continue? Do you want to terminate? Do you want to put your hands over your ears and sing la-la-la and hope it disappears? are a much better way to go..