Daughter is pregnant - at 15!

Cerisa

I think the implant would be a better bet. It's more reliable than condoms and you don't have to remember to take it. However these options are always scuppered by the sort of parents that went mad when their daughters were offered cervical cancer jabs.

esmerelda98

Cerisa wrote: »

I think the implant would be a better bet. It's more reliable than condoms and you don't have to remember to take it. However these options are always scuppered by the sort of parents that went mad when their daughters were offered cervical cancer jabs.

The problem with that is that it doesn't protect against STIs. I'd rather my daughter gets pregnant than gets HIV. I think there is a greater motivation to use condoms if they are also being used to prevent pregnancy. As much as these teenagers think the likelihood of pregnancy is remote, they see the likelihood of getting HIV to be even more remote, which to be fair it is. However, it is a very small risk which no-one should ignore.

Person_one

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

You had a steady boyfriend; don't you think that's a major difference?

I cannot understand how you can believe that peer group pressure to have underage, promiscuous sex is a good thing, but that the opposite is is bad.

I'm not at all sure where I said that, you'll have to point out which part of my post you got that from.

Peer group pressure is always bad, but I don't believe that promiscuity and underage sex always are, of course neither is abstaining or waiting.

It is different when you have a steady boyfriend, and I would recommend that girls wait until they are with someone they feel comfortable with and can trust, but they don't deserve to be judged or 'shunned' for not doing so.

Cerisa

Hmmm, Esmeralda, good point, but this is why i'm so adamant about teaching both sexes the dangers of not using contraception. A boy may be able to walk away from a pregnancy he's caused - less easy to skip away from chlamydia.

noodles86

I have to agree with viktory and moomoomama27. I had my daughter 3 days before my 20th birthday and if I had the chance to go back, I would have a termination. Even at 19 I was young and stupid and to some degree, still am but thought I knew it all! I do the best I can with my daughter but feel that I am a rubbish parent and wish I would have waited until I was older and married before I had children. My education suffered and I never finished my degree it was really hard studying with a toddler. I feel my parenting style is like feeling for a light switch in the dark and I feel very sorry for my daughter. Just posting so that you have a balanced view, may be worth letting your daughter look at the mixed experiences?

anguk

I can understand that the OP and her daughter need time to come to terms with the pregnancy and I also agree wholeheartedly that the girl should not be pushed into anything but a decision will have to be made and soon otherwise she will have no other option than to have the baby.

I'm wondering if the daughter has already decided to keep the baby, she knew she was pregnant for a month before telling her mother, she's admitted that she had planned on keeping it secret. She's known for quite a while now that she was pregnant and the further on she gets the harder an abortion becomes. Also the talk of home schooling, is this because she wants to continue with the pregnancy but doesn't want the remarks and comments that will come from the other pupils?

I'm also wondering if this is also the reason why she's hiding the father's identity? Maybe she thinks that he or his family would want her to have an abortion?

I think the OP has handled this really well but as the mother of a 17yr old girl I think I would now be demanding the father's name. It may be something sinister but it may not be and this could impact the father too. It could well just be a lad her own age who is now blissfully unaware that she's pregnant but if she does go on to have the baby it will have an impact on his life with regards CSA etc.

Being pregnant at 15 is not the end of the world and the OPs daughter can still go on to have a full, contented life which ever option she takes but personally I think it's time for full and frank discussions about both the father and what to do about the pregnancy. You do have to be supportive and careful but you also have to be wary of pandering to the girl too, she's still only 15 and a minor and as a parent you sometimes have to strict as well as supportive.

Amanda65

Amanda65 wrote: »

Poppy

I think so far you have done very well keeping it together but now is the time for some serious questions (and answers) and I think everyone needs to be honest about the outcome they want from the situation you are in.

First and foremost your DD needs to decide (and very quickly) whether or not she intends to continue with the pregnancy. The longer this goes on, the less she has a say in the matter, and as already said by others I cannot help thinking that she is waiting for the matter to be taken out of her hands but doesn't want to admit it.

She then needs to grow up (very quickly if she is to be a parent in 6 months) and sit down with you and work out where you all go from here regarding her education, child care options etc. and tell you who the father is and whether or not he is in a position to support her.

As a mother of 3 teenagers, I know how cagey and economical with the truth they can be but personally I would now turn back from friend and confidant mode (which I believe you have been in and understand why) and turn back into her mother. She needs you to be strong and give her guidance - good luck to you all.

Errata wrote: »

She is still a little girl. Her body, brain and intellect haven't reached anything like maturity at 15.
In your shoes I'd be dragging her to a one-to-one session by her hair if I needed to. She isn't too sure because she doesn't have the cognitive ability to make a decision. Make it for her.

Back in post #1047 (which was only yesterday lunchtime :eek::eek:) I said I think Poppy that it is time for you to become your daughters parent again. From the outside it seems as though your DD is screaming out for guidance but is scared of being judged (hence being quite happy to be holed up at home with a baby for the next 2 years trying to compelte her education - not healthy for either of them) and has no idea how emotionally and physically draining a baby and toddler will be on her.

Please please please make her go and speak to someone completely neutral to the situation who will put the options to her in a clear and unemotional manner - and today or tomorrow if at all possible. She seems to be (understandably) in a very confused place at the moment and needs some professional help.

Plans_all_plans

Errata wrote: »

Not by me you won't. 50% of teenage pregnancies end in a termination, so that option is very viable, common, nothing out of the ordinary.

And on the other hand, 50% of teen pregnancies must end in a live birth if your stats are right, so having the baby is also very viable, common and nothing out of the ordinary.

I do not think the OP should steer her daughter towards termination at all.

I think that as her mother, she has voiced concerns about the effect a termination will have on her daughter and this cannot be brushed under the carpet. There needs to be more discussion and both the daughter and mother need to be open and honest with each other about their fears and worries. As a mother, I feel you should tell her your worries about all the options and outline how you can alleviate them whatever path she chooses.

I fell pregnant at 20 and it felt like a major disaster to me as I was in the middle of my finals at Uni. I hid it from everyone except my boyfriend til I was 5 months gone. I hid it from my parents cos I knew they would want me to have the child and I wouldn't have wanted to devastate them if I terminated.

Someone ealrier said that having a child when you don't want one is irresponsible. I disagree. The ONLY reason I had my daughter was because I am anti-abortion. That didn't stop me booking the appointment twice though, I just couldn't go through with it. I did not want a child, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life and had plans. I knew what I was giving up. The minute my daughter was born and handed to me, my first thought was "what have I done?" and it took me some time to get into the swing of motherhood. With the right help and support from my family, I was able to become a good and loving mother and I have found it immensely rewarding.

What I'm trying to say is that with the right support, having a baby and doing it right is possible, whether the mother is 15, 25 or 45. I feel you need a full and frank discussion with her OP and find out what she wants to do for definite.

Cerisa

"only women without common sense have sex without protecting themselves from both."

Or women with low self esteem, uneducated women, women without easy access to contraception etc.

I've always had gay friends who have been exceptionally scrupulous about protection (and quick to lecture about why!) so i'm probably even more careful than most, but a little empathy and charity goes a long way.

Person_one

Person_one wrote: »

I'm not at all sure where I said that, you'll have to point out which part of my post you got that from.

Peer group pressure is always bad, but I don't believe that promiscuity and underage sex always are, of course neither is abstaining or waiting.

It is different when you have a steady boyfriend, and I would recommend that girls wait until they are with someone they feel comfortable with and can trust, but they don't deserve to be judged or 'shunned' for not doing so.

I would also like to add,

I think its a good idea for teenagers to have considered how they'd respond to a pregnancy before they start having sex. I knew that I'd abort in a heartbeat if it happened to me so while I worked hard to prevent that happening I knew I wasn't risking my education/youthful freedom by having sex. If a girl thinks about pregnancy beforehand and realises it would be a hard decision or that she would want to keep the baby, then that might inform her decision to have sex or not. This probably a good topic to include in the 'sex/contraception talk' mums are having with their daughters!

Teenagers have been getting pregnant forever. In the halcyon days of ONW's youth they would have been either forced to give up their babies for adoption, had them raised by the grandparents as much younger siblings, been pushed into young marriages (like one of my family members at 16, to a 29 year old man!) or risked their lives and their health procuring illegal abortions. People wearing rose tinted glasses shouldn't throw stones, or something!

No, teenage pregnancy is not ideal, but thankfully girls now have options. They can abort and go on with their lives, they can keep their babies and be supported in raising them or they can give them up for adoption and receive aftercare. Its good that they are no longer stigmatised, shunned, forced into corners or written off. Being pregnant at 15 is not ideal, but the mere fact of having gotten one of her eggs accidentally fertilised does not make the OP's daughter a different person suddenly!