Daughter is pregnant - at 15!

pinkshoes

I've read most of this thread, and I just want to say that the OP is dealing with this brilliantly!

I had a surprise pregnancy at 30 (!), and was really upset about it. My mum just said "It's not like you're 15..."!

My best friend got pregnant at 15 (very middle class family, parents had no idea she was sexually active!), and was very relieved at how supported her mum and dad were when she told them. She eventually had an abortion (around 15 weeks I think, as she'd kept it to herself for a while...), and although it wasn't an easy decision, she got through it with support from her parents. 15 years later, she did A Levels, got a degree, spent 8 years working hard in the city, and this year had a little boy with her husband.

There is NO easy decision, but she's a lucky girl to know have such a supportive mum who will help her with whatever she decides.

Errata

I know that having a child young will make it hard to finish one's education, fulfil potential etc. BUT, with ambition, determination and support it can be done.

Which not everyone has and for some the pram in the hall is a far more powerful magnet.

Lunar_Eclipse

poppyfield19 wrote: »

She's said tonight she thinks she might keep the baby.

She said a lot of it is that she is scared of an abortion. The actual procedure, but after it, how would she cope with the guilt.

I think she found it easy to talk to him, she hasn't spoken to him properly since he left and to just be able to talk and have someone listen I think helped her a bit

These few bits of your post jumped out at me. They made me wonder if your daughter would prefer a termination, but feels a little scared, guilty about having one, but mostly very worried about what you will think of her? I mean how easy is it to tell your parents you would prefer to end a pregnancy by choice? I honestly think that could be the hardest choice for many teenagers, for this reason alone.

Additionally, which could be clouding her judgment, the pregnancy is helping her rebuild her relationship with her dad. That is no doubt a very big deal to her given what she's been through over the past year. It's a fantastic outcome, but again, I wonder if she might be feeling that in order for that to continue, a baby would help. She might be worried about being left again, by him, should she opt for a termination. You know 'well, that's all behind us' type thinking.

Just thought I should share those thoughts, because if she has had similar ones, they may not help her make the best decision for her.
(I have no vested interest in what she chooses either way, fyi. I don't know your daughter and am open to all avenues emotionally.)

Pollycat

fairydiamond wrote: »

I wonder what the young lady would say if she saw this thread! eek!

Maybe it would (with the exception of the few nasty posts) do her a lot of good to see how her Mum feels, how worried she is - not only about what decision her daughter will make about the pregnancy & what it will mean for all the family if she keeps the baby but also the anguish she is feeling about her unwillingness to discuss who the father is.

It might also do her good to read some poster's similar experiences and how they coped and whether they thought they'd made a wise decision or not.

In fact, I think the OP's daughter needs contact with someone who can - without any bias - calmly explain the options open to her.

I did suggest counselling may be a good idea in my post this morning (#1285) but from one of the OP's later post, her daughter's not that keen.

poppyfield19 wrote: »

We've got in touch with one of the groups today, they do one to one talk sessions and I've said I think it would be a really good idea. She isn't too sure, but it's worth trying it, so I'll take her to that and if that helps her, it's worth it - if it doesn't then she doesn't have to go again.

I think in this particular instance, the OP should put her foot down and insist she sees someone who can offer an unbiased view - and the sooner the better.

jtr2803

I've been reading this thread for a number of days now and have read both sides of the argument so thought I would add in my thoughts and experiences.

I fell pregnant at 17 and was fortunate enough to have a stable boyfriend and a very supportive mum. We decided to keep the baby and my daughter will be 11 this August. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have had her. I love her to bits now she is here and she is growing into a child any parent would be proud of, unfortunately I can't really take the credit for that, it's mostly due to my mum. I got the big speeches about how with some determination and support I could still go back to a career and that is exactly what I did....at my daughters expense. I now have a great career but a daughter that chose to live with my mum when I moved out two years ago because I was always working full time and sitting exams etc. I am now attempting to build bridges with her and I am incredibly grateful to my mum for providing a home full of love and support but as a mother I have failed in many respects.

It's all well and good saying she can still have a career and prospects and I would not disagree, but at what price does that come financially and emotionally? I often get asked if I would have any more children and even though I am now 29 I still don't see myself as being 'ready'. You can obviously feel free to disagree with me but being a good parent is more than providing a home/food and clothing, it's about being able to cope with a lack of sleep, having the life experience to cope with stressful situations and fraught relationships...something which most of us don't have in our teenage years and maybe into our twenties as well. I am not by any means saying that teenage mothers are bad mothers but I have also seen friends who have gone back to Uni with small children spend little time with them to complete their studies and then finish Uni to end up with no job because they can't afford childcare or don't have the experience to get a job.

Anyone can tell you that when your child is born you will feel unconditional love for them and it's true, you do, but you may also feel resentful due to stress and money conditions. Time with a growing child is precious and I truly believe that it is best enjoyed when in a long term loving and stable relationship, not when you are pressured to continue studying and/or pursue a career. Pregnancy doesn't always happen at the best of times but at least at 20+ you have the ability to rationalise and consider the future but at 15/16/17 I am not sure that you do.

jtr2803

I thought I would also add that 5 years ago I had a termination during an abusive relationship, it was over very quickly and the staff at Marie Stopes were fantastic. Yes I felt guilty afterwards but hindsight is a wonderful thing and the best choice I could have made in that situation.

OP - if you daughter decides to terminate she should recieve counseling (I did) and the staff involved are very sensitive.

Errata

I suspect the daughter saying she's not too sure about talking things through with someone experienced in teenage pregnancy is because not doing so means she doesn't have to take any action. Doing so means she has to take action. This seems to echo not taking any action until she was forced to tell her mum, not taking any action to tell the father, not taking any action to tell her own father, not taking any action to tell her close friend(s), not taking any action to obtain medical advice.
With this in mind, I suspect she will shy away from a termination as that would require her to take some action, whilst continuing with the pregnancy requires no action on her part.

taxi36

Errata wrote: »

OP - I hope your daughter can talk things through with an emotionally uninvolved knowledgeable person before she makes her final decision. Someone who can tell her the facts and practicalities of all the options open to her, which neither you nor her father can. Someone she can ask frank questions of in the knowledge she isn't being judged. Under the circumstances I would guess her GP will be able find someone immediately.

Taxi - please stop shouting in red. It's highly discourteous on an internet forum.

Who exactly do you think you are giving out your orders? I will type in whatever color I please thank you kindly!

Seriously , some people think they have certain rights on this board :rotfl:

Lunar_Eclipse

viktory wrote: »

I love and am very proud of my daughter; she is a wonderful person – but knowing what I know now, would I make the same decision again? No.

Best post on this thread in my opinion.

I think it takes a lot of courage to choose a termination. It is being proactive as opposed to reactive to a situation, which is usually harder by definition. This is also despite the fact that parenting is incredibly difficult, because as I have said before, you have no idea what that entails until you do it.

Cerisa

This is a study from May 2011 http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_induced_abortion.html - granted it's about America but the facts are fairly applicable to the Uk as well.



• Eighteen percent of U.S. women obtaining abortions are teenagers

• About 61% of abortions are obtained by women who have one or more children.URL="http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_induced_abortion.html#6"]6[/URL

• Forty-two percent of women obtaining abortions have incomes below 100% of the federal poverty level ($10,830 for a single woman with no children).
• Twenty-seven percent of women obtaining abortions have incomes between 100-199% of the federal poverty level.* URL="http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_induced_abortion.html#6"]6[/URL
• The reasons women give for having an abortion underscore their understanding of the responsibilities of parenthood and family life. Three-fourths of women cite concern for or responsibility to other individuals; three-fourths say they cannot afford a child; three-fourths say that having a baby would interfere with work, school or the ability to care for dependents; and half say they do not want to be a single parent or are having problems with their husband or partner.URL="http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_induced_abortion.html#7"]7[/URL