Daughter is pregnant - at 15!

Oldernotwiser

rachbc wrote: »

Wow - I hope in your work with these young lone parents you manage not to project your feeling that quote

"getting pregnant at 15 is a major disaster"

If so I pity them. If that isn't a personal prejudice I don't know what is....

There's a difference between professional practice and personal opinion and it's important to understand where one starts and the other begins. In addition, I was working with young mums whose children were already toddlers.

However, although "major disaster " may be overstating the case in some people's eyes, there can surely be very few people who would think it to be a good thing.

Dawning

stebiz wrote: »

her 'mistake'

.

One thing that is irritating me on this thread is reading about 'getting herself into trouble' and how it is 'her ' mistake. It took TWO of them to create this 'mistake', let's stop blaming girls all the time and realise that boys are just as responsible for making sure that a baby isn't conceived! And in this case, since we have no idea about who the father is, it could actually be an adult...What about HIS mistake?

of course there are plenty of men out there who believe that actually preventing conception is none of their problem because they're not the ones who get pregnant.

Pollycat

Errata wrote: »

My personal experience is of lives being ruined by a teenage pregnancy - mother's, father's, siblings, grandparents and not least of all that of the child itself. Lives that had to be patched up as best that could be managed after they were smashed.
Nature programs women to go aw at the thought and sight of a baby. Education and experience mediates that aw with knowledge. In many ways, the very worst time for a woman to make a decision about an unplanned pregnancy is when they're pregnant.

I don't have any personal experience about the impact a young teenage pregnancy could have on a family unit, but I can imagine the potential issues - especially in this case with the girl's Mum being a single parent and having (I think) 2 other young children.
I'd guess that any benefits wouldn't cover the actual cost of bring a child up and so will that mean that the 2 younger kids will suffer financially?
And will they suffer emotionally as their Mum i.e. the potential baby's Grandma (and despite any declarations to the contrary) will probably end up caring for the baby to a degree.

Do people think that a massive decision such as keeping a baby at age 15 should be made purely by the girl herself instead of considering the impact on a family unit?

I'm not saying I do or I don't -just wondering about it following on from a number of posts in similar vein to Errata's.

*Chattie*

RacyRed wrote: »

What she should or shouldn't have done is irrelevant now. She did have underage sex and her pregnancy proves it. My suggestion was aimed at helping the OP to find out if her daughter, who has no obvious boyfriend or opportunity to have a relationship, had sex consensually or not. Direct questioning didn't work. Demanding answers is unlikely to work, so why not try other ways to get her daughter talking about such an important matter?

So some of you think it is "pervy" for a mother and daughter to discuss the physical and emotional dynamics of sex as well as the practicalities? No wonder so many teenagers go about finding the answers to their questions in other ways.

Did you discuss how much or little you enjoyed your sex life with your mother? I would have been out the door so fast had my mother said anything remotely like that to me at age 21 let alone 15 :eek:

certainly not a major disaster to my mind either

Oldernotwiser

Cerisa wrote: »

Oldernotwiser, underage sex is not the same thing as child prostitution.

Of course not. However, as the law on the age of consent was largely introduced to protect young girls from child prostitution, the issues are not as far apart as you may think.


"Young girls in London

For several decades the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children had been concerned by the sexual exploitation of young girls in London. A press campaign on the subject in 1885 had persuaded Parliament to pass the Criminal Law Amendment Act.

As well as raising the female age of consent from 13 to 16, the Act set down a series of other regulations for the protection of young women from vice. The new legislation proved a great success, with a huge increase in the number cases being reported to the police and brought before the courts."

https://www.parliament.uk

viktory

taxi36 wrote: »

Then surely you must remember how rewarding it was and you should be offering support to the OP and her Daughter, not coming across as if its the end of the world (you havent actually SAID in your posts that it IS the end of the world but I get the feeling that teenage pregnancies re not high on your list of favourite occurances)

I stand by every single post I made. The OP has had almost unprecedented levels of support on here, the majority viewing the situation from a positive point of view. I, speaking from experience, have tried to give a different perspective. I know how hard it is to be a child who has had a child. I know what I had to give up and the opportunities I missed out on. I love and am very proud of my daughter; she is a wonderful person – but knowing what I know now, would I make the same decision again? No.

It does not matter which way you dress it up, a child having a child is not best for them or for the child. Looking back, with the wisdom of hindsight and age, I know that despite my best efforts I was not a particularly good mother. It saddens me to say it, but it is true. I was not mature enough myself to be able to parent a child. Now, looking back, I realise how much I missed out on by being a teenage parent and more importantly, how much my daughter missed out by having a teenage parent. I am a rare breed though; someone who is honest enough to shine on light on some painful truths.

So, no. I don’t think it is terribly rewarding and I don’t think it is, by any stretch of the imagination, the best decision for the child. At the very least the OP and her daughter ought to be fully aware of the ramifications of the decision taken to keep the child. It is not all hearts and flowers.

moomoomama27

viktory wrote: »

I stand by every single post I made. The OP has had almost unprecedented levels of support on here, the majority viewing the situation from a positive point of view. I, speaking from experience, have tried to give a different perspective. I know how hard it is to be a child who has had a child. I know what I had to give up and the opportunities I missed out on. I love and am very proud of my daughter; she is a wonderful person – but knowing what I know now, would I make the same decision again? No.

It does not matter which way you dress it up, a child having a child is not best for them or for the child. Looking back, with the wisdom of hindsight and age, I know that despite my best efforts I was not a particularly good mother. It saddens me to say it, but it is true. I was not mature enough myself to be able to parent a child. Now, looking back, I realise how much I missed out on by being a teenage parent and more importantly, how much my daughter missed out by having a teenage parent. I am a rare breed though; someone who is honest enough to shine on light on some painful truths.

So, no. I don’t think it is terribly rewarding and I don’t think it is, by any stretch of the imagination, the best decision for the child. At the very least the OP and her daughter ought to be fully aware of the ramifications of the decision taken to keep the child. It is not all hearts and flowers.

I totally agree, and feel the same, I could have written the bolded. You have highlighted what I think alot of others cover up as a teenage parent.

Having been a single teen mother and then a married mother, I can see how much better I am as a parent with age, and life experience. I do feel my daughter was let down by the fact I was a teenage parent, as I was not equipped to deal with issues, even now she's in her teens, I feel more like a sister to her! That's not to say I don't love her the same, but had I had her 10 yrs on I would have been a far better parent to her.

Wow it's hard seeing that in black and white, but I guess for alot of teenage mothers this is probably true.

poppyfield19

Hi everyone, thanks for all of your responses.

Sorry if I did seem a bit rude last night, I really don't want it to seem like I'e tried to push her into keeping the baby because I like the idea of it. I don't like the fact she's pregnant at 15, to me she is still in many ways a little girl, a child herself. I didn't want/expect her to get pregnant at 15, I'm not glad about it by any means. I'm not excited by a baby or anything - not at this stage at least, obviously if she does have the baby, I will be - but right now, I'm just worried for her, how she will cope. She will try and keep up with her schoolwork, but obviously it won't be as easy for her. Even with all of the support in the world it all comes down to her and that does worry me - a lot.

We've got in touch with one of the groups today, they do one to one talk sessions and I've said I think it would be a really good idea. She isn't too sure, but it's worth trying it, so I'll take her to that and if that helps her, it's worth it - if it doesn't then she doesn't have to go again.

poppyfield19

I don't think things like partying, drinking, birthdays are things she will miss. But her education - it's always been important to her.
I'm sure she will try her best with it, but she has an important year ahead, then she has to sit her exams.
That's really worrying for me.

peachyprice

poppyfield19 wrote: »

She would look after her baby, and if possible, would do her schoolwork at home. I know it won't be easy, easier said than done, but she is devoted to her school work so if the school can still let her sit her exams, and she can study for them, but at home, then I honestly don't think she is throwing away her education.

Sorry Poppy, but I think this is a really, really bad idea.

She's pregnant, not ill, there is no reason for her not to go to school. Girls all over the country carry on as school throughout their pregnancies.

If she is going to keep this baby she needs to be proud of it, not hide it away like some dirty little secret. So people will talk about her, they're going to do it anyway, whether you keep her closeted away at home or she goes to school and enjoys the last 6 months of freedom.

What possible good do you think isolating her from her peers will do? She'll go from teenager to single mother overnight, with no time for adjustment inbetween, no time to gain the support from friends she's going to need.