Daughter is pregnant - at 15!

Pollycat

poppyfield19 wrote: »

I don't think she did plan on keeping the baby, she actually seemed to be edging towards an abortion. She said she didn't want to see anything during any scans.

She's said tonight she thinks she might keep the baby. She said 14 weeks was quite far along, longer than she thought - genuinely don't think that she has known for longer than she has). She said a lot of it is that she is scared of an abortion. The actual procedure, but after it, how would she cope with the guilt. She said she knows it's technically not a baby right now but still, she thinks she might really regret it if she gets an abortion, and that maybe she would be doing it so she can just forget about it, it seemed to start with like the easy thing to do, before she'd told me, but now she sees that it wouldn't be as simple as get the abortion and that's it all over.

She is looking forward to talking to her dad 'in person' on Friday I think, when she can sit down with him and myself and talk about it and make a proper decision.

She also mentioned adoption, she said she might look into that more and find out more about how it works - to be honest, as I said earlier in the thread, I don't know a great deal about how it works I just think that she might find it harder if she had the baby, and had to let it go.

Poppyfield19

Reading through this, your daughter sounds really confused (understandably, given the circumstances) but do you think she would benefit from talking to a counsellor or someone similar about the options open to her?

Apologies if this has already been suggested or if you've already done this (the thread has grown so fast) but to me, your daughter sounds like she has little idea of what abortion, adoption, keeping the baby would really mean to her and her future (and to be fair to her, at the age of 15 you wouldn't expect her to know about these things) so maybe she needs her options explaining to her from someone who is not involved in her decision in any way.

January20

poppyfield19 wrote: »

January20 just want to say I apologise if my post in response to you was 'snappy' at all - it wasn't intended that way.

Oldernotwiser I don't know if you're saying I'm a bad parent for not guiding her into something, but at the end of the day as said it's her body. I don't want her to grow up and think that I 'guided' her into something, whether having the baby, or having an abortion. She has to make the decision for herself and I will be behind her for whatever decision she does chose.

Oh no! I DO NOT think you are bad parent! Quite the opposite and as a mother to an 18 yo daughter myself, I have a lot of admiration and sympathy for you. You've handled this very well and more patiently than I would have regarding the identity of the father.

Thank you for your apology, but my post, although it wasn't meant to antagonise you, wasn't the nicest one to read. I know that. I was surprised by your response because you have been so cool in the face of such criticism on this thread!

You didn't say that you wanted her to keep the baby. It's just a feeling I got reading your posts, the way you phrased certain things. Of course I accept I could be totally wrong, but this situation is a very difficult and emotional one and because you have had children yourself, you will find it difficult to not think of the potential of this embryo your daughter is carrying. I know I probably would.

POPPYOSCAR

peachyprice wrote: »

This is exactly what I've been thinking Jen. I find it astounding the number of people here that find it's the norm in their area. It certainly isn't here, and I'm nowhere near Scotland. As you said, the only girls here who have had babies so young are the under achievers.

There were no teen mums when I was at high school, my boys go to the same school now and still there have been none in the 5 years they have been there. Whether there have been girls that have got pregnant and chosen to abort, I do not know, but actually choosing to have a baby just doesn't seem happen, unless they've been whisked out of school perhaps?

I think everyones experience is different as I know of at least 3 teenage pregnancies and all of them were from middle class backgrounds and all three girls went on to study and do well.One of them is in fact now a midwife.

Oldernotwiser

taxi36 wrote: »

Have you any idea how "snobby" this SWEEPING GENERALISATION comes across? Read it back and see...

You might want to check your facts before talking about "sweeping generalisations".

http://www.poverty.org.uk/24/index.shtml

https://shareweb.kent.gov.uk/Documents/health-and-wellbeing/teenpregnancy/Introduction%20TP%20NST%20Good%20Practice.pdf

Some of us may not have had the misfortune to have a daughter in this situation but have had wide experience of working with young lone parents, enabling us to be objective and not blinded by personal prejudice.

KxMx

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I see what you're saying but we have to be very careful not to normalise under-age sex. Yes we shouldn't make the OP's daughter feel dirty but it is still something which is not in a child's best interest.

Had to pick up on this comment. Underage sex is classed as so by the law, by a one-size-fits-all law. The age for that law has been deemed in the UK (since it differs around the world) at 16. It does not take into account the 15 year old who may be sexually and emotionally mature enough to want/desire/need sex or perhaps someone who is not ready until 17. We are designed to desire sex to keep the human race going, it is a fact of nature and not law. This happens earlier in some and later in others.

Now I am not a parent, so I have little understanding, but that doesn't mean my opinion is not in some way valid. Some parents in my observations utterly refuse, whether in embarrasment or genuine disbelief, that their "child" wants sex. Never mind how said child came about!

A young woman/man does not to go bed in the eve of their 16th birthday not wanting/ emotionally ready for sex, and then wake up on their birthday and boom! it hits them. It's different for each individual.

OP, I wish your daughter and you all the best at this hard time.

POPPYOSCAR

To be fair to taxi the post does say 'the only' and quite clearly is is not all teenage mums that come from the 'underachievers' and that is the point I believe he was trying to make.

POPPYOSCAR

KxMx wrote: »

Had to pick up on this comment. Underage sex is classed as so by the law, by a one-size-fits-all law. The age for that law has been deemed in the UK (since it differs around the world) at 16. It does not take into account the 15 year old who may be sexually and emotionally mature enough to want/desire/need sex or perhaps someone who is not ready until 17. We are designed to desire sex to keep the human race going, it is a fact of nature and not law. This happens earlier in some and later in others.

Now I am not a parent, so I have little understanding, but that doesn't mean my opinion is not in some way valid. Some parents in my observations utterly refuse, whether in embarrasment or genuine disbelief, that their "child" wants sex. Never mind how said child came about!

A young woman/man does not to go bed in the eve of their 16th birthday not wanting/ emotionally ready for sex, and then wake up on their birthday and boom! it hits them. It's different for each individual.

OP, I wish your daughter and you all the best at this hard time.

This is very true.

As a teenager my friends were all having sex but I felt I was just not ready for it and waited until I was in a relationship at the age of 18.(much to the disgust of my mother who thought you should be married first).I did not think any the less of my friends for this.

rachbc

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

You might want to check your facts before talking about "sweeping generalisations".

http://www.poverty.org.uk/24/index.shtml

https://shareweb.kent.gov.uk/Documents/health-and-wellbeing/teenpregnancy/Introduction%20TP%20NST%20Good%20Practice.pdf

Some of us may not have had the misfortune to have a daughter in this situation but have had wide experience of working with young lone parents, enabling us to be objective and not blinded by personal prejudice.

Wow - I hope in your work with these young lone parents you manage not to project your feeling that quote

"getting pregnant at 15 is a major disaster"

If so I pity them. If that isn't a personal prejudice I don't know what is....

POPPYOSCAR

rachbc wrote: »

Wow - I hope in your work with these young lone parents you manage not to project your feeling that quote

"getting pregnant at 15 is a major disaster"

If so I pity them. If that isn't a personal prejudice I don't know what is....

I am sure ONW will correct me if I am wrong but I believe they have said in the past that they used to do this kind of work.

Cerisa

Oldernotwiser, underage sex is not the same thing as child prostitution.