Husband gone, what now?

Blade26

I'm one of the sisters and feel like the worst daughter in the world at the moment . Dad has kept us at arms length, all communication is initiated by us, otherwise we would never speak to him.

Like TooSad I find it so hard to go home, because that is where Mum should be, but isn't and I am disgusted with myself for not going tog his house since July, perhaps if I hadn't been so spineless things wont be so bad?

Anyway, I have a thread on OS, getting some tips from there, so between us and the 2 older sisters I am sure we can make a plan.

Thread hijack over..........

Blade26
X

CH27

Blade26 wrote: »

I'm one of the sisters and feel like the worst daughter in the world at the moment . Dad has kept us at arms length, all communication is initiated by us, otherwise we would never speak to him.

Like TooSad I find it so hard to go home, because that is where Mum should be, but isn't and I am disgusted with myself for not going tog his house since July, perhaps if I hadn't been so spineless things wont be so bad?

Anyway, I have a thread on OS, getting some tips from there, so between us and the 2 older sisters I am sure we can make a plan.

Thread hijack over..........

Blade26
X

Don't beat yourself up hun.
You cannot change what is done but you can change things for the future.
Good luck to you all.

huskypup

My mum died in April - my step dad (they had been together 30 years), was devestated he is 67, and is very capable - so I turned into abit of my mothers daughter - she said what she thought. So a couple of weeks after the funeral - I went round to the house - I know what you mean - mum not being there is very strange and even 6 months on - I hate going, but I do every Sat for 30 mins or so. I if something is not very clean - I jokingly tell him, that mum would have a fit if she saw the state of this floor.

Like other posters we have him over for dinner - and low and behold Ive cooked to much:), so he takes a warmy back, he likes to feel useful -as he is also retired, but doesn't like to be a burden - so yesterday he was up a ladder cleaning out my gutters (HB is scared of heights - lol) while i cooked dinner.

We bought him a slow cooker and a halogen oven, and believe or not a cook book, though some of his meals do look abit dubious to me he doesn't starve.

He goes to my sisters once a week for tea - where he and my neice are allowed to have as many cold baked beans as they like - mum would have a fit.

Each family is different, but we found by not tiptoeing around - my stepdad has been alot better, i do keep an eye on his finances though.

My sister has not been down to the house since the funeral as she finds it really hard, but she has explained that to my stepdad.

Good luck with your dad - and so proud of you with the way you are dealing with your HB - have been reading your thread since the beginning, and you are me 5 years ago, as my HB upped and went - only trouble he went 5000 miles away - try communicating through that one - but we got there, wonders of skype and me getting on with my life.

Hang in there hun xx

TooSad

huskypup wrote: »

My mum died in April - my step dad (they had been together 30 years), was devestated he is 67, and is very capable - so I turned into abit of my mothers daughter - she said what she thought. So a couple of weeks after the funeral - I went round to the house - I know what you mean - mum not being there is very strange and even 6 months on - I hate going, but I do every Sat for 30 mins or so. I if something is not very clean - I jokingly tell him, that mum would have a fit if she saw the state of this floor.

Like other posters we have him over for dinner - and low and behold Ive cooked to much:), so he takes a warmy back, he likes to feel useful -as he is also retired, but doesn't like to be a burden - so yesterday he was up a ladder cleaning out my gutters (HB is scared of heights - lol) while i cooked dinner.

We bought him a slow cooker and a halogen oven, and believe or not a cook book, though some of his meals do look abit dubious to me he doesn't starve.

He goes to my sisters once a week for tea - where he and my neice are allowed to have as many cold baked beans as they like - mum would have a fit.

Each family is different, but we found by not tiptoeing around - my stepdad has been alot better, i do keep an eye on his finances though.

My sister has not been down to the house since the funeral as she finds it really hard, but she has explained that to my stepdad.

Good luck with your dad - and so proud of you with the way you are dealing with your HB - have been reading your thread since the beginning, and you are me 5 years ago, as my HB upped and went - only trouble he went 5000 miles away - try communicating through that one - but we got there, wonders of skype and me getting on with my life.

Hang in there hun xx

Thanks Huskypup. My sister (Blade26) and I have made some inroads with dad her via phone, me via email. His reply to me made me feel very sad but some of the content has given us additional inroads to deal with the problems he is facing.
Have spoken to other sister tonight too and explained to her the plan (for want of a better word) in that we are going to get him ready for winter, so we can say "Dad I got some thermal linings for the curtains, but I thought I would put them through the washer first, saves you a job"
I think once we have got it all "bottomed" out it will be a case of getting him into a routine, do bedroom this day, bathroom the other etc etc. I don't think he is incapable just that he doesn't notice what others do or if he does he doesnt know what to do about it.

As for the OH, no he isn't 5000 miles away but sometimes he might aswell be. He has for the last year tried to encourage me to spend more time with dad and has made me feel quite bad for not doing so, not by being mean but by getting on at me. He has always had my dads best intentions at heart, and totally understands how hard it is to be around a parent when the other one has passed away; however when his dad died, he was put on a pedastel by his family and had to live up to their expectations. He hated it some days.

TS x

victory

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TooSad

Evening All

I've been to the Dr's tonight to get a letter done to start back at Uni, he hasn't seen me since June and was really complimentary about how far I have come; so thats another tick in my box of having achieved something.

Have made some inroads with my dad, I think this might be the next step to being really happy and content. My dad is my world and I want him to be happy, but he cant do that on his own.

I have been talking to my acupunturist about what to do now about me and OH as I feel that we are at a crossroads, I think another serious conversation is on the cards, but right now my dear old daddio is my #1 priority.

TS x

TooSad

Totally fed up tonight, have been to dads and it wasn't as bad as envisaged but it wasn't great either. We made a start but there is still a lot of work to be done - feel like the most awful horrid daughter anyone could have, he clearly has had no idea how to do some things, but didn't ask either; but then I wonder why didnt he ask, was he scared I would say No I wouldnt help. Am I really such a terrible person??

Being at his house wasnt as bad as I thought it would be, but it made me realise just how much I miss mum, and wish she was here to give me a cuddle and to give OH a kick up the **s. she wouldnt interfere per say but she would have been talking to him as well as me, and he would have listened too as he had such love and respect for her.

Im going to the airport tomorrow to do the practical exam, I have no idea how I will get on. I hope I do ok, but with everything I have on my mind I hope I don't mess it up

I hope tomorrow is a brighter day for me as right now I don't think it can get any darker.

TS xxx

Gigervamp

Good luck with your exam tomorrow, TS.

For tonight, just go with the flow and allow yourself to feel down. Tomorrow's another day.

CH27

TooSad wrote: »

Totally fed up tonight, have been to dads and it wasn't as bad as envisaged but it wasn't great either. We made a start but there is still a lot of work to be done - feel like the most awful horrid daughter anyone could have, he clearly has had no idea how to do some things, but didn't ask either; but then I wonder why didnt he ask, was he scared I would say No I wouldnt help. Am I really such a terrible person??

Being at his house wasnt as bad as I thought it would be, but it made me realise just how much I miss mum, and wish she was here to give me a cuddle and to give OH a kick up the **s. she wouldnt interfere per say but she would have been talking to him as well as me, and he would have listened too as he had such love and respect for her.

Im going to the airport tomorrow to do the practical exam, I have no idea how I will get on. I hope I do ok, but with everything I have on my mind I hope I don't mess it up

I hope tomorrow is a brighter day for me as right now I don't think it can get any darker.

TS xxx

It's totally natural to miss you mum hun. Your dad is still grieving too so probably doesn't even notice stuff needs doing.

Good luck tomorrow:)

TooSad

Thanks peeps. Im going to bed now, see if I can rid myself of the horrendous headache in time for tomorrows almighty brain thrashing!!!

TS XXX