Husband gone, what now?

TooSad

I am a regular poster who has created this new ID as some of my family members come on here and don’t know what is happening.

As the post title states, my husband has moved out and I don’t know what to do. We haven’t fallen out, argued or been nasty to one another, and I am hoping there is some way back from the mess we have found ourselves in. We both love and respect each other and are each other’s best friends.

Forgive me for being long winded, but it is quite cathartic for me to write this all down for my own sanity.

We have been together for 9 years, married for nearly 4. We have had a strong relationship from the start, built on mutual trust and respect and a lot of laughter. My husband has changed my complete outlook on the world and for the better and I will always be grateful to him for that. We have had many adventures together and experienced new things together.
We have had our ups and downs like any relationship, but we have got through these challenges as a team; but we have also had to deal with tragedy in both of our lives, we have both lost a parent suddenly in the last 6 years and I would be silly to not recognise the impact this has had on us both.

My husband’s dad died suddenly 6 years ago and he was the one who discovered his body, and had to break the awful news to his siblings and to his mum. It was an awful time for us all, but in particular for him as he was relied on heavily by his mum and sisters as the “man” of the family. This was a role he took without question and did admirably and nobody was prouder of how he was with them than me. I did resent it occasionally but he was doing this for love. I don’t think he has dealt with the trauma of his dad’s death, he has never talked about it with me, his prerogative but still it hurts that he wouldn’t allow me to get close to him when he needed me most. He said when we got married that he realised then he wasn’t sad about his dad dying anymore, however this changed when my mum died last year and he said that he realised when she died he wasn’t sad anymore. So when did he really stop feeling sad about it? If he actually has?

Three months after his dad died, I moved out for 6 weeks to give him some space as he asked me to, it killed me to do it, and in that time we gave each other space and eventually we reconnected.

A year later, we bought our current home, a wreck that we have built into our home together, taking care and thoughtfully planning every aspect of the renovation, and carrying out the works that we could do, together.

6 months after we bought our home, he proposed to me, completely out of the blue, we had talked about it but I hadn’t really expected it. I was thrilled, there was nothing more that I wanted than to spend the rest of my life with my soulmate.

9 months after the proposal we got married, we didn’t see the need to wait, we could afford it and we both wanted it more than anything, so we had the most amazing day and honeymoon. Next thing on the cards for us was children.

A year into our marriage I got promoted at work, into a senior management role which I excelled in but it also came with the pressure and time commitments. Our sex life was still ok at this point, not rampant like when we first got together, the impact of work meant that we were both tired and weren’t always on the same page, but the hugs and kisses were still in abundance and we were both happy with our sex life.

We still didn’t conceive a baby between 2008 and end of 2009, but we had tests and were both fine, we just put it down to timing.

Towards the end of 2009 my mum was ill, we didn’t know what it was until January 2010 when she was diagnosed with Cancer and we were told she would need an emergency operation. Which she duly had, and was making a good recovery. At this point in time I was spending a lot of time with my mum at the hospital as the hospital was in my town, I liaised with my siblings and my dad as well as the hospital staff and was deemed the “rock” who held everyone together through such a traumatic time. My mum took a turn for the worse and was admitted to ICU, she never left. We had to make the decision to turn off her life support and she went to join the angels. I think at this time I removed myself emotionally from the situation and went into organisational, got to get things sorted mode. I was and still am devastated by the loss of my darling mum.

The last year has been the darkest of my life, and sometimes I have wondered what the point is. I have become more withdrawn from my relationship with my husband, I have craved his affection which he has given me in spades, but I have been lacking in the sexual intimacy department; that’s not to say we didn’t have any sex life we did, but not as fantastic as either of us would want.

Roll on to now, 10 days ago my husband told me we he was leaving me as he cannot continue with our relationship as it is. He has moved out and is living in a house owned by his mum. I feel like such a fool for not seeing it coming.

He says he loves me and he is my best friend but he cannot continue in a relationship that is lacking in intimacy and that hasn’t produced children. (That is the problem in a nutshell) At the same time I have been diagnosed with moderate depression. He won’t entertain counselling in any way shape or form.

He seems to believe that the depression is from him leaving me, which yes of course is devastating; I didn’t get married to get divorced, however he doesn’t think I have been suffering from this for the last year if not before that, which I think I have. I am now facing up to my problem and am beginning to understand what the triggers are. I am so sad for my own heartbreak at losing my mum, heartbreak of losing my relationship and not knowing how to get out of this dark place where I am.

We have still been in contact and spent a lovely evening together yesterday; we didn’t discuss our problems but enjoyed each other’s company and reconnecting with one another I suppose you could say. We have also spent time together this afternoon at his new place, he doesn’t call it home, home is where I am. (That’s what he said)
He hates where he is staying, but I suppose being there has given him the space he wants away from me and my depressive moods.

I’m so confused and don't know what to do to start to even put things right. I know that I need to remain calm and keep the communication channels open, but I just miss him so much.

Such as mess, so sad, where to start to make things right, assuming we are meant to be together.

Thanks for reading if you have got this far.

TooSad xxx

Plans_all_plans

Why won't he go to counselling?

I wouldn't be happy if my husband moved out, didn't suggest a way forward through our problems, but then have him still expect to come round and spend time with me.

With regard to your bereavement, (my condolences), I've heard the organisation CRUSE are very good, have a google to see if you think they may be able to help.

ellay864

Oh big hugs to you...I can understand just how you're feeling. My husband left me 12 years ago but I still remember feeling that pain and devastation that you do. We had 2 young boys (7 and 5 at the time) and I just didnt understand how things were so bad between me and him to drive him to walk out on them too. However he had started seeing another woman so it had got further than your situation may have done.
I realised I had also been suffering from depression for some time before he left. My sex drive had all but disappeared and I was tired all the time - my doctor did tests for thyroid, anaemia etc and even asked about depression but I was so scared of that label I just denied it.
You say he wont entertain the idea of counselling, but that is something you can do by yourself, for the depression, and even relationship-wise, though obviously it's much better if you can go together. But it's a good sign that you're still friendly. Tell him that you're seeking help for yourself to help you beat the depression as you really want to get things back on track with him. You have had a really bad time and it's understandable that you've suffered like this, but he obviously isn't dealing with it well. Personally he comes across as quite selfish to just leave rather than help you through this but my guess he's scared too.
Concentrate on trying to get yourself all the help you can from a counsellor, doctor whatever and do all you can to keep the friendship there with your husband. You probably won't be able to convince him counselling is a great idea right way but if he sees you getting benefit from it that may change his mind.
I really wish you all the best and hope you can work through this with him x

kimmi_b

Hugs to you. I've suffered from depression and know how debilitating it can be at times. I can't quite understand why, at a time when you need each other most, he is either pushing you away or leaving you to cope on your own. He sounds quite selfish and not understanding of his wedding vows "in sickness and in health".

I hope you are able to find a way forward with your partner and strongly feel that you should push for counselling - it sounds like it would be very beneficial to you both right now.

whitewing

I think you have both been through an awful lot of change in these year so it's not surprising that it all feels like it is falling apart.

Lack of intimacy would I think be a big problem (however understandable). I also wonder if you were earning more than him after your promotion? (That was a real relationship killer for me once).

I agree that talking it all through with a counsellor will help you make sense of what you can without putting misplaced pressure on your DH.

Emmala

Dear Toosad....I didn't want to read and run, though I don't know what to say to help or make you feel better. Maybe time will tell, but if you can still meet as friends then that's something. Think about what you want long term, think about yourself first, if you're 'broken' in some way as in individual then take the time to concentrate on healing yourself first before you worry about him, he's a big boy, he can take care of himself and if he's the friend you say he is then he will support you and give you the time you need, even if it is from afar. Then, when you're stronger you can sort out where you go from here, whether it's together or not, but if it's not, then you will be strong enough to handle whatever life throws at you next.
Good luck, hang in there xxx

LillythePink

BIG hugs for you - you sound as if you need them.

So, it would seem that all is not truely lost with your relationship - while you are spending time and enjoying each others company there is still hope.

Are you having any sort of treatment for your depression? GP or councilling?

There are so many things in your story which echo what my OH went through with his first marriage - his wife got a career, promised children (adoption as he can't have them) then kept moving the goal posts, his father (more like a brother) died, that in the end, when we "met" online, he realised that it was over for them.....but that is them not you.

Losing a parent can have a devastating affect on you - you have both suffered this and with the additional strain of being the strong one for the rest of your family, it's no wonder that you both have been in turmoil.

With your job, your loss and depression, it's no wonder that your sex life has gone off the boil.

Whilst I am not suggesting that you try and have a child to mend your relationship or to please him, is it something that you have been thinking about prior to the last few weeks? The thing is, a child is the last thing you should have at the moment with so many other things going on, but is a child what YOU want as well?

I can imagine, that when you lose someone close to you ie a parent, you start rethinking your life and what you want for the future - which is what he has probably done, but the trigger for this has probably been the loss of your mum, not necessarily his dad.

Has he said much more than there is a lack of children/intimacy? A real good heart to heart is definately needed, but you both need to open up to each other (easier said than done I know), why doesn't he want councilling? Is it because it's a stranger or is he scared to share his feelings?

I hope that you can work your way through this all, it sounds as if you have a good and strong relationship, which just needs to get over this bump

When was the last time you went away for a break or holiday? Maybe getting away from it all is what is needed.

Hugs again
xx

TooSad

I firmly believe he won't entertain counselling as he is scared, scared of unlocking the emotion and feelings from when his dad died. He was sat here the other night crying (rarely cries) and I said "please don't cry, I don't think I've seen you cry since your dad died", to which he said "I didn't cry then" which when I have thought about it he didn't - how can that be right??? I know he is scared of confronting his emotions, and he hates the fact we are both so upset and in this situation. Neither of us hate each other or have even had any cross words, just lots and lots of tears and upset.

Everyone has said is there anyone else, no there isn't I know that 100%

My GP when he signed me off recommended "Talking Therapy" to me, I am back there this Friday to work out what to do next. I have confronted the fact I have depression, the GP made me say it. I suppose admitting you have a problem is the first stage to getting better.

Thanks for reading xxx

LillythePink

Maybe (in hindsight) it would have been better to have let him cry and not say don't cry - it's almost as if you're saying you shouldn't do it - when actually, it probably would have been the best thing for him - one step on the road to recovery and confronting his emotions.....which you have said that he is scared about.

For me, sometimes, I feel a build up of emotions - be it stress, unhappiness etc and I do something to make myself cry - maybe a sad song, sad film etc - I feel a hell lot better afterwards!

Plans_all_plans

People deal with grief in different ways: there's no right way to feel or act. I think men may find it particularly difficult to show their true emotions at times.

I think if he cries, you shouldn't mention it, just have him let it all out, hug him and tell him you're there for him. It's probably just hit him more recently, with your mother's death happening too.

ellay864

TooSad wrote: »

I firmly believe he won't entertain counselling as he is scared, scared of unlocking the emotion and feelings from when his dad died. He was sat here the other night crying (rarely cries) and I said "please don't cry, I don't think I've seen you cry since your dad died", to which he said "I didn't cry then" which when I have thought about it he didn't - how can that be right??? I know he is scared of confronting his emotions, and he hates the fact we are both so upset and in this situation. Neither of us hate each other or have even had any cross words, just lots and lots of tears and upset.

Everyone has said is there anyone else, no there isn't I know that 100%

My GP when he signed me off recommended "Talking Therapy" to me, I am back there this Friday to work out what to do next. I have confronted the fact I have depression, the GP made me say it. I suppose admitting you have a problem is the first stage to getting better.

Thanks for reading xxx

When my dad died (I was 18) I went into work the next day, just took the day off for his funeral and apart from at the funeral itself I barely cried (and even then not much). Most people wouldn't have known anything had happened. I know now that many people criticised me for being heartless. But I loved my dad and it actually made me angry that I didn't cry. Then 4 years on I heard the Z cars theme tune...that had been one of dad's favourite programmes and I just sat and howled like a baby
Grief hits people in different ways and it would make total sense that you losing your mum has triggered off feelings for him about his dad. Rather than tell him not to cry, encourage him to let his feelings out. It sounds like that's what he needs to do