Husband gone, what now?

satchmo1

Hi TooSad

Hugs for you, and OH, as you are both suffering. My OH is borderline bi-polar and for years would freeze me out when he was depressed. He has read more self help books than you could shake a stick at, but when he's depressed he thinks he is thinking clearly,hmm. The worst thing a depressed person can do is ruminate, so perhaps you could try my default reaction when I'm mad: to clean things.

One self-help book that I would recommend is Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It does help to understand how your OH "hears" that you love him/tell you he loves you, and also helps you understand how you "hear" that he loves you/tell him that you love him. EG I tell that I love him by doing things for him (and weirdly expect him to notice); he says "I love you" when he wants to be reassured by me telling him "I love you". Hope that makes sense, it's quite hard to condense.

Don't put off seeking your GP's help with depression, there's no shame in being brought low by the death of your mum. Also, don't be put off seeking marriage guidance counselling on your own: 1) Relate will see you on your own if OH won't go; 2) you don't need his permission to have counselling.

If that's of any help, I'm glad. Take care of yourself. xx

TooSad

LillythePink wrote: »

BIG hugs for you - you sound as if you need them.

So, it would seem that all is not truely lost with your relationship - while you are spending time and enjoying each others company there is still hope.

Are you having any sort of treatment for your depression? GP or councilling?

There are so many things in your story which echo what my OH went through with his first marriage - his wife got a career, promised children (adoption as he can't have them) then kept moving the goal posts, his father (more like a brother) died, that in the end, when we "met" online, he realised that it was over for them.....but that is them not you.

Losing a parent can have a devastating affect on you - you have both suffered this and with the additional strain of being the strong one for the rest of your family, it's no wonder that you both have been in turmoil.

With your job, your loss and depression, it's no wonder that your sex life has gone off the boil.

Whilst I am not suggesting that you try and have a child to mend your relationship or to please him, is it something that you have been thinking about prior to the last few weeks? The thing is, a child is the last thing you should have at the moment with so many other things going on, but is a child what YOU want as well?

I can imagine, that when you lose someone close to you ie a parent, you start rethinking your life and what you want for the future - which is what he has probably done, but the trigger for this has probably been the loss of your mum, not necessarily his dad.

Has he said much more than there is a lack of children/intimacy? A real good heart to heart is definately needed, but you both need to open up to each other (easier said than done I know), why doesn't he want councilling? Is it because it's a stranger or is he scared to share his feelings?

I hope that you can work your way through this all, it sounds as if you have a good and strong relationship, which just needs to get over this bump

When was the last time you went away for a break or holiday? Maybe getting away from it all is what is needed.

Hugs again
xx

We last went away at Easter and had a great time, away from everything and everyone. It was my xmas present that he had organised as a surprise.

About a family, I would do anything to be a Mummy, anything, it is something we have both wanted since we got married. Right now is not the right time, but hopefully in time I will be lucky enough.

evansmummy

ellay864 wrote: »

When my dad died (I was 18) I went into work the next day, just took the day off for his funeral and apart from at the funeral itself I barely cried (and even then not much). Most people wouldn't have known anything had happened. I know now that many people criticised me for being heartless. But I loved my dad and it actually made me angry that I didn't cry. Then 4 years on I heard the Z cars theme tune...that had been one of dad's favourite programmes and I just sat and howled like a baby
Grief hits people in different ways and it would make total sense that you losing your mum has triggered off feelings for him about his dad. Rather than tell him not to cry, encourage him to let his feelings out. It sounds like that's what he needs to do

I agree with Ellay864 grief does hit people differently. I find it hard to visit my beloved Grandad's grave an have only gone a hardful of times. I do the grieving privately and maybe he's doing the same.
I do feel, however, that him abandoning you in your time of need is quite selfish. I think it's probably too close to the bone to what he's probably going through so doesn't want to face it head on.

I did read an article recently about a woman who's husband said he wanted to find himself. She didn't fight or argue with him, although she wanted to, and let him do his thing.
He eventually realised exactly what he was missing and came back. She wasn't smug and things got better.
Lets hope time will heal things for you both.

JoJoB

TooSad - maybe ask him to go to therapy with you as a support for you rather than a participant. If he doesn't feel there's going to be pressure on himself to "open up" he may go along, and somewhere along the way engage with the process.

paddy's_mum

I'm not going to be consoling nor sympathetic. I am going to say that this is a bloke who needs his backside kicked, and how!

On what basis can he believe that the lack of children will be helped by him moving out or does he still believe that the postman brings offspring?

On what loving reasoning does he believe that his absence is going to make your depression better? Most people would assume that being deserted by someone you love would send us deeper into blackness.

How does he reconcile saying that home is where you are but then choose - please note my careful selection of that word CHOOSE - to clear off without a backwards glance and hardly a syllable of consultation. Loving, my derriere!

Perhaps he would be kind enough to tell you, to your face, what an utter refusal to seek counselling is likely to achieve. Reconciliation? Harmony? Hope for the future?

In your upset and misery, you seem to have lost sight of the fact that he is deliberately putting his head in the sand, determined not to look at himself and his own reactions. I'd call that a selfish, immature Ostrich of a man punishing his wife for his own weakness and stupidity, wouldn't you?

You want him back? Then start calling some shots of your own ... how about the first one being that unless the two of you seek some form of professional help, then you have nothing to say to him and he can stay away. So far, it seems to me, he has dictated the pace of your joint lives, even down to asking you to "give him space" (and you meekly went!).

I'm sorry if you think my response harsh but I genuinely, truly feel that this man is punishing you for his own unhappiness and yet refuses to help himself. Would you expect bystanders to be heartbroken over the man who is bleeding his life away and yet punches, kicks and attempts to murder the paramedic who tries desperately to staunch the haemorrhage?

It's time this man was brought up short and compelled to grow up and earn your loyalty, love and the title of husband. If nothing else, hasn't it occurred to you that a man so willing to run out on the problems is a very poor bet as a father should the children he apparently so desires come along.

Smack him one (figuratively speaking) stop being such a compliant little mouse and above all, protect yourself because clearly, he either cannot or will not. Good luck.

TooSad

paddy'smum - Such wise words, I read them and re read them as it could have been my darling mum telling me what you've said.
Thank you I needed to hear it, its a difficult pill to swallow but your right he has to man up!
I need to deal with me and my depression before I can even consider dealing with him or us.
It's hard because everything has happened all at once, it's knowing where to begin to rebuild my life - mine not ours, mine. I hope it will include him but right now I need to concentrate on number one.

He knows how much I want him to be involved in counselling, but for now the counselling will be mine to overcome the depression, I may invite him along as a support for me, rather than ask him to come to counselling for us, I don't know. He just see's everything in such black and white terms it does my head in.

I need to build myself back up to the strong, independent woman I once was.

Thanks again paddy's mum & everyone else who have taken the time to give me support and wise words.

TooSad xxx

make_me_wise

Counsellors sometimes advise people to do what you just have and put all their feelings into a letter to someone. It can take as long as you need to write it and helps you work through the anxieties and feelings you have.

Depending on the circumstances they advise some people to send the letter and others to keep it. Part of the therapeutic bonus is just to release those thoughts and feelings as if you are talking openly and clearly to the other person. It helps someone feel as if there deepest upset can be heard and acknowledged, without the fear of derision or confrontation.

From your post you obviously have alot of love for your husband. I was a little concerned that you seem to be left alone to cope with how you are feeling now. Could there be more to his need for space than you are aware of. Is he suffering from depression himself and be currently unable to relate to others problems and worries at the moment?

paddy's_mum

TooSad wrote: »

I need to build myself back up to the strong, independent woman I once was.

She is still there, I promise you. You just need a little time and help to find her again. Hope it goes well for you.

TooSad

satchmo1 wrote: »

Hi TooSad

One self-help book that I would recommend is Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It does help to understand how your OH "hears" that you love him/tell you he loves you, and also helps you understand how you "hear" that he loves you/tell him that you love him. EG I tell that I love him by doing things for him (and weirdly expect him to notice); he says "I love you" when he wants to be reassured by me telling him "I love you". Hope that makes sense, it's quite hard to condense.

I have bought and read this book, and it has completley opened my eyes as to where we have been on different pages. Will post where we are at the mo. But thank you for recommending it

TooSad

Hi All

Some 2 1/2 weeks ago when I first posted, its hard re reading just how sad I was as I feel like a different person today. I am still sad, but not as sad, IYSWIM.

My husband and I are still living apart but are seeing each other most days, or speaking to each other at least.

I have been concentrating on getting myself well, and since I posted I have been exercising as recommended by my GP, swimming twice a week and doing the 30 day Shred (Good for anger - as Jillian Micheals makes me cross!!) I feel so much better about myself both mentally and physically, I've lost 1/2 stone and have more positive energy.
I look at myself and think my husband is a bloody idiot to have walked out on me when I needed him most. he may realise this at some point, I think his lightbulb has a dim glow, but anything that happens will be on my terms.
He still won't talk about things from his point of view, and he still wouldn't really listen to me, so I wrote him a 6 page A4 letter which told him exactly how he and his behaviour made me feel. So at least if he does want to talk he knows where I am coming from.

I have had 4 weeks off of work to get my head together and I think that I have had some delayed reaction to the death of my darling mum, we had the Inquest which was concluded last week, so in some respects we have had some closure, but there are still so many other questions that we would want answering; however I suppose we can now start concluding my mums estate, and look to my dad moving forward with his life as we need to.

I have started to have Acupunture too, I did a stack of research, as I was adament I didn't want to take Anti Depressants, nothing aganist them I know they work for some, but I felt deep within myself I had the resilience to overcome this depression myself.

Acupuncture was fab, I've only had one session, but the therapist said she could see a noticeable softening in my expression following the first 20 minutes of treatment, it felt bizarre, but a nice bizarre, and I slept that night for the first time all the way through, in about 18 months. I am not sure if it was a placebo effect or what but I am glad it happened, and I am going to continue to have acupuncture weekly for the next 6 weeks at least.

I have taken to decorating the house too, he had the cheek to say to me he didn't like a colour I was thinking about, so I told him he could move back in and have an opinion until then he needed to shut up!! (Go me)

We have been seeing a lot of each other, he says I have changed, but in a nice way changed, I think he has begun to realise that I can get on and do things without him being around. Don't get me wrong my heart is still broken, but I won't let him see how broken I am, and I so want my marriage to work. I didn't marry to divorce, there has been no mention of divorce from his side either so who knows what he is thinking.

I've given up trying to analyse him and what he is doing, I'm most important to me at the moment and I need to be nice and kind to myself and if he wants to rejoin the journey I will continue to travel he needs to accept that the problems we have aren't just one sided.

Thanks to you all for your help and advice xxx