Husband gone, what now?

TooSad

Thanks for a mans perspective Princeofpounds. You have given me lots to think about

TooSad

Taking on board what PofP has said above, I have spent the evening with the OH where he is currently residing. Made no comments to him about current situation despite me almost biting my tongue off at times.
And do you know what. It was nice! I haven't come home feeling resentful I've come home thinking it was just like the old days enjoying some food, having a laugh and a joke and enjoying being with each other.
I am still really angry and hurt by him and his actions, but one of the things I've learnt these last few weeks through reading about CBT, what I think is what I will feel. I'm sick of feeling poo so I'm not thinking poo thoughts, and despite my anger and hurt I need to rationalise this in my head and think positive that this relationship will (I hope) get back on track, I just don't know how far down the track we will need to travel though.
Thanks again Princeofpounds you put a different slant on things and I'm glad I took on board your thoughts

princeofpounds

Glad it helped. The trick is to use any restored connection to move forward, rather than sit on laurels. When a guy is in that sort of situation there will be aspects of the independence that they enjoy, so you have to ask him to re-engage and, by implication, sacrifice some of that independence again. The key is to make them feel they are making the positive decision, even if you are more or less laying out the route map. Hope it continues to improve.

NickyBat

Don't think you need any actual "advice", but so pleased your posts are on the positive side, and i also think it was great to get the male perspective from pop.

TooSad

princeofpounds wrote: »

Glad it helped. The trick is to use any restored connection to move forward, rather than sit on laurels. When a guy is in that sort of situation there will be aspects of the independence that they enjoy, so you have to ask him to re-engage and, by implication, sacrifice some of that independence again. The key is to make them feel they are making the positive decision, even if you are more or less laying out the route map. Hope it continues to improve.

I wish the ones you love the most came with an instruction manual! I getwhat you mean PofP. I wish you had posted a week ago!

princeofpounds

Can I just make one more comment? I'm really happy things have improved a bit for you. Often the momentum just carries you in the right direction. But you don't need me to tell you that it will not be smooth sailing at all points, so be prepared for that. There's no recipe for making someone want to be with you (as I have learnt over the years) but by the sounds of it you are giving yourself a better chance.

Again, the purpose of the different tack in communication is not to pander to his pride, it's to smooth your path to assert yourself in the situation without it generating conflict. He, and you, will still have to take difficult decisions and at times you will have to challenge his thinking. But you still care for each other and hopefully you both approach mending things with that spirit.

tara747

TooSad, I have only just come across this thread and wanted to give you a big virtual hug. Please keep us posted, I have subscribed now so will follow your progress xoxoxo

fudgecat

No qualifications to advise (be warned), just married for, oh, ages, and don`t take any carp from men! I`m really glad you feel more positive about yourself - keep going. I may be wrong, but it disturbs me that he comes and goes, making the contact decisions all on his side - too convenient by far IMHO.
Looked at cynically (is there any other way?), he is leading a bachelor lifestyle on his own with an option on dropping in for a bit of companionable televisionm,etc, as and when he wants. I hate playing games in relationships, but I don`t think you should be as readily available. He has an options on where to stay - and a choice. Where is yours?
Personally I would let absence see if his heart grew fonder - or more reasonable. Is he in or out of this relationship? Does he even know? Pationce, yes, but time to get off the pot now, surely. If he is currently out, then I do not find it reasonable that he just lets himself in and out as and when he wishes.
Ask for a break to sort YOUR thoughts out - no contact at all. After all, he should understand this wish, shouldn`t he? Try for 10 days. See if you miss each other - and that includes whether you miss his current behaviour.
I second the idea of no counselling equals no contact. We are all afraid of the inner dark emotions, but comes the time one needs to grow a pair and face them.
Just my thoughts!

RacyRed

princeofpounds wrote: »

Man's perspective here...

He may well not be messing with your head. At least not intentionally, even though he is practically.

When you talk about him popping over and just watching TV, did it cross your mind that maybe he just wanted to be around, and enjoy being around you? I would have been hurt if all I got was an angry response about clearly not wanting to talk to you, even though it's probably fair enough given the situation was probably far more ambiguous for you than it was for him.

Similarly sending you the old picture with the cryptic reply, my immediate thoughts are this is him trying to capture a moment or a feeling he has had in the past with you, with positive connotations.

(The above is speculation - I could only be sure if I knew him - and would completely go out of the window if he were cheating, but if he really is thinking about saving the relationship somehow it is less likely to be a cold-blooded power game)

In a sense, I wouldn't be surprised if he is almost trying to keep enjoying the good parts of being with you whilst abdicating responsibility for all of you, including the confused and depressive part.

Yes that's a bit selfish, but if the relationship has truly felt so bad to him for so long then I can understand why he might be in a situation where he feels he should be letting go of the relationship but doesn't really want to.

Just a suggestion, because the interpretation of these events has been pretty hostile and there is not necessarily a manipulative explanation for it, although there could be.

Anyway, I think you need to be careful with the 'tough love, do it for the sistas, make him crawl back' approach. I actually agree with the sentiment behind it; you need to get back in a position where you and he are both accepting of the totality of your relationship, not just cherry-picking.

But the style of delivery could be wrong. Again, as a bloke, I'd be confused as to why my tentative olive branches are met with hostility.

For example, I agree just dropping in at will sends very confusing messages. But 'I'm changing the locks' sends a very simple message and it isn't 'I'd quite like to save what we have'. But explaining why he shouldn't do it and acknowledging any potential good intentions behind it will feel less like a rejection even if you set the same ground rule. And offering an alternative that you prefer and control will also help; for example swap it for a scheduled coffee in the park slot or whatever. Much easier to take control if a man thinks he mutually agreed the decision and it's a little bit sugar coated.

Men are very simple creatures and whilst women generally have better relationship logic and understanding it is often the tone of what is said that sticks in the mind, not the logic behind it.

That's just while you are in 'saving' mode. If you decide it's not going to work then fine, be tough as old boots.

Good post, but there is one thing that worries me about it.

It puts Toosad a little too much on the needy side of the relationship. It makes the situation just a little too convenient for her OH.

It takes 2 to make or break a relationship. Both need to do some thinking and both need to feel some inconvenience.

I would change the locks, a simple explanation like lost keys could be given. Gentle message but message sent. If hubby asks for a set of the new keys then this opens the door to gentle discussion. As things stand it is important that it is not left to hubby to decide for himself if he is going to consider the OPs wishes and resist the temptation to just let himself in, unless he is willing to hand her a set of keys to his current home. There is no indication that he has done that and currently the OP is living with the knowledge that he could just turn up and let himself in. That has a massive psycological effect.

Reading the opening post again, hubby decided to act rather than talk about how he is feeling. TooSad had no warning, no opportunity to discuss this with her hubby before it happened, take onboard what was said and do what she could to prevent this split. Hubby must take some responsibility for that. He could and should have discussed how he felt a lot earlier. Walking out is a rather immature way of dealing with a problem.

Hubby may feel he had good reasons to leave but his methods have been cruel. This needs to be reflected in any move towards reconcilliation. It must not be onesided.

I completely agree with your suggestion that they met on neutral territory for now.

TooSad

Quick update from me. I have been to see my GP today for a return to work note as I am returning on a phased return on Monday. He was really pleased with my progress and how “different” I seemed. We talked at length about mums inquest, my relationship (more on that later) and my general wellbeing.
He got me to do a questionnaire that I did 4 weeks ago to score my depression (quite crude really) when I first visited him I scored 19/27 which equated to moderately severe depression, which I can say was a fair assessment of me back then. I redid it today and scored 4/27 which equates to minimal depression on the PHQ-9. I am really really proud of myself that I have managed to get myself to this point on my own and through my own hard work.
He (GP) has said he doesn’t want to see me anymore, unless I feel that I need to see him for any reason, he has been great and I am really pleased with the support he has given me.
In terms of relationship, I am confused to heck about it all. I know that some people think changing the locks is a good idea, but I could not do that. Thinks just aren’t that bad between us, I know its bad what he has done is appauling, but we havent had any HUGE bust up. He has just been round to get something he needed, but didn’t come earlier as I wasn’t in, so he does respect the fact this is my house and he can’t come and go as he pleases.
I attempted to talk to him about us, but the shutters come down and I get nowhere, as he left he gave me a hug, kiss and said “It’s not the end of the world” !!!!!! – I am mad, so mad, what’s not the end of the world, the fact we are not together, I did ask him but he didn’t say anything. I’m so angry with his recurring flippant attitude towards our marriage and life together, and it did make me cry, but the tears stopped ‘cos I am fuming!!!
I’m not really looking for advice, I just need to vent!!!