Husband gone, what now?

TooSad

Not sure if I am doing too much too soon. Last night after doing an afternoon at work, I couldn't sleep, wide awake at 1:30am, slept for a few hours and then wide awake at 5:30, so sleep after that. Did a morning at work, feel so tired, eventhough I am not doing a lot. I am definately more aware of needing to be nicer to myself and not take on too much, but its hard.
I have a 6 week return to work note and can do as little or as much as I want, however I have no idea really what to do for the best. One day at a time I guess, but even that is hard.

I guess im just feeling sorry for myself x

NickyBat

Hey, you are allowed good days and bad, take one step at a time. You have come a long way since your first post, its a very emotional time for you and emotionally draining.

TooSad

Had a semi decent day today, still feeling up and down, left hand doesn't know what right is doing. Im keeping busy but nightimes are so lonely and sad I am getting fed up of going to bed on my own and not having anyone to cuddle up to. I know it sounds so needy but I miss my husband so much, I wish he would meet me half way and start making a real effort like I am. x

londoner1998

RacyRed wrote: »

Good post, but there is one thing that worries me about it.

It puts Toosad a little too much on the needy side of the relationship. It makes the situation just a little too convenient for her OH.

It takes 2 to make or break a relationship. Both need to do some thinking and both need to feel some inconvenience.

I would change the locks, a simple explanation like lost keys could be given. Gentle message but message sent. If hubby asks for a set of the new keys then this opens the door to gentle discussion. As things stand it is important that it is not left to hubby to decide for himself if he is going to consider the OPs wishes and resist the temptation to just let himself in, unless he is willing to hand her a set of keys to his current home. There is no indication that he has done that and currently the OP is living with the knowledge that he could just turn up and let himself in. That has a massive psycological effect.

Reading the opening post again, hubby decided to act rather than talk about how he is feeling. TooSad had no warning, no opportunity to discuss this with her hubby before it happened, take onboard what was said and do what she could to prevent this split. Hubby must take some responsibility for that. He could and should have discussed how he felt a lot earlier. Walking out is a rather immature way of dealing with a problem.

Hubby may feel he had good reasons to leave but his methods have been cruel. This needs to be reflected in any move towards reconcilliation. It must not be onesided.

I completely agree with your suggestion that they met on neutral territory for now.

Hello OP
I have been reading your thread and I am glad you are coming to be in a more positive frame of mind.

One thing occurred to me: it is all very well for us to say 'he should do this, he should do that, he should talk more'. Of course he should , but may be it is just that he doesn't know how? I am not excusing him, I know what it is like to be depressed and find a wall of silence in front of you when things get tough in a relationship. But it is also true that a lot of people just don't know how to express how they are feeling, for many reasons. My OH said once to me 'I just don't know the words'. Then I understood- he doesn't clam up when we are going through something difficult just because he doesn't care. He just doesn't know the words- literally.
I don't know the OP's husband, but may be there is something of that in there. I also think that losing a parent changes people in a very profound way and it takes a very long time to recover and accept it. You have gone thorugh a lot in a short period of time. I think you are being very strong, OP. Take care of yourself, put yourself first for now and things will get better.

You are doing really, really well...

Bearo

londoner1998 wrote: »

Hello OP
I have been reading your thread and I am glad you are coming to be in a more positive frame of mind.

One thing occurred to me: it is all very well for us to say 'he should do this, he should do that, he should talk more'. Of course he should , but may be it is just that he doesn't know how? I am not excusing him, I know what it is like to be depressed and find a wall of silence in front of you when things get tough in a relationship. But it is also true that a lot of people just don't know how to express how they are feeling, for many reasons. My OH said once to me 'I just don't know the words'. Then I understood- he doesn't clam up when we are going through something difficult just because he doesn't care. He just doesn't know the words- literally.
I don't know the OP's husband, but may be there is something of that in there. I also think that losing a parent changes people in a very profound way and it takes a very long time to recover and accept it. You have gone thorugh a lot in a short period of time. I think you are being very strong, OP. Take care of yourself, put yourself first for now and things will get better.

You are doing really, really well...

Good post. Some of us men are like that, we don't know the words and sometimes we say nothing when we ought to. I also know that can hurt as I recently said nothing to my wife about a situation. She was more upset that I'd said nothing rather than talk to her about the issues that were troubling me.

TooSad

It's been a week since I last posted. I'm still home alone but I think there is still hope. I've been back at work more still not f/t but increasing hours slowly. I am enjoying work again being around my friends and genuinely feeling like I am worth something and appreciated by many!
Have spent a lot of time with the OH we went to the cinema last weekend, then spent all of Sunday together, then this week ive been at his for tea etc. He's been a lot nicer and been making more of an effort in how he compliments me and has started to really listen when I say things to him good or bad
Tonight he came over with an orchid plant to say thank you for helping him with some work stuff this week, im not silly I know gifts don't make up for how he has been or is still being, but I suppose in some way him buying me things means he has been thinking of me.
I spoke to his mum too this week, she was really nice wanted to know if I was ok, agreed with ne that he is stubborn but also asked (pleaded) with me not to give up on him. Which is ok for her to say, and I know why she is saying it but she isn't living in this !!!!!! situation....... Aaargh!
Been swimming tonight. Acupuncture tomorrow - yay, and start zumba on Monday. TooSad is not sat still long enough St the moment to actually be Too Sad :-) xxxx

tara747

Good for you!!! I am glad that you are doing ok xoxo

londoner1998

TooSad wrote: »

It's been a week since I last posted. I'm still home alone but I think there is still hope. I've been back at work more still not f/t but increasing hours slowly. I am enjoying work again being around my friends and genuinely feeling like I am worth something and appreciated by many!
Have spent a lot of time with the OH we went to the cinema last weekend, then spent all of Sunday together, then this week ive been at his for tea etc. He's been a lot nicer and been making more of an effort in how he compliments me and has started to really listen when I say things to him good or bad
Tonight he came over with an orchid plant to say thank you for helping him with some work stuff this week, im not silly I know gifts don't make up for how he has been or is still being, but I suppose in some way him buying me things means he has been thinking of me.
I spoke to his mum too this week, she was really nice wanted to know if I was ok, agreed with ne that he is stubborn but also asked (pleaded) with me not to give up on him. Which is ok for her to say, and I know why she is saying it but she isn't living in this !!!!!! situation....... Aaargh!
Been swimming tonight. Acupuncture tomorrow - yay, and start zumba on Monday. TooSad is not sat still long enough St the moment to actually be Too Sad :-) xxxx

This is such good news!! I am really impressed with how strong you are being and how well it is working... keep going and try not to be defensive: if he buys you aa plant, that such a lovely gesture... It seems he is really trying and that means he cares. Time and space seems to be doing a lot of lof good.

Keep doing what YOU need to do and the rest will follow...
You really are an inspiration...

Ax

TooSad

Thanks for the positive comments, I can feel the dark cloud that has been over me fading away to nothing. I am the happiest I have been for a very long time and thats down to nobody else but me. I am really proud of myself and hope that I can keep on this upward trend.

Another upshot from doing this exercise as recommended by the dr and now becoming obsessed with has meant I have dropped 13lb - go me!!! Downside is my b bies have shrunk to the size they were when I was 19!!!! LOL, but I am really really happy with how I look and how that makes me feel.

Spent the afternoon with my MIL which was really nice, I do have a great relationship with her and I am really happy that despite her boy being a tool she realises that I want to maintain our relationship.

Busy weekend in the garden for me, then 2 full days and 3 1/2 days at work. Lots of things to look forward to too, best mate from work has gone into labour tonight so a new baby will be with us imminently.

TooSad xxx

CH27

I'm so glad things are improving for you. You have done so well in such a short time.