Husband gone, what now?

TooSad

I know what you are getting at - little in return, but he us like a closed book and always has been, he is quite a deep and thoughtful person who shares little in terms of emotions and thoughts, whereas I wear my heart on my sleeve, I always have and I wouldn't want to be any other way. I am seeing him on my terms not when he chooses which is different from a few weeks ago, he has been here tonight but left when I wanted him too. He said he had had a nice time - don't know what was nice about having a coffee, looking at my sisters wedding photos and chitter chatter, but he seemed to think it was nice. Maybe he just means being with me??? Who knows.
My evenings are full this week so no time to sit and feel lonely and sad.

As for my posts being heartbreaking - I read some of them back and cry, cry so many sad tears because I was such a mess, I'm still having my downs but the ups are more prevalent.

Who knows what my future holds, i will take each day as it comes. Lots of plans for 6 week hols so time will be filled!

Goodnight,
TooSad xxx

londoner1998

I read somewehre yesterday that we face death to re-build ourselves as a person... and it seems that the OP and her OH are going through that and it can take a very long time.

Some people might think she should give up- I think it is her decision and hers alone to keep going and fight for her marriage. I just think that nowadays everything is disposable and many people give up as soon as things get tough. While some behaviour might not be acceptable for some, she knows what she wants to accept and fight for. I think to say to her' wake up' is not helpful and potentially quite upsetting. The OP has made a decision to fight for her marriage- is that such a bad thing? I think she is an amazing woman and very strong.
I have gone through something similar after my dad's death and it took three very long years of counselling and lot of tears to get to where we are now- and we are fine. I am back to normal and he is more open to me (although still a fairly closed book).
Nobody can judge what is worth fighting for apart from the person involved. And these things take time, they have gone through very hard changes in a very short time.

OP_ yes, it is hard, but it will change and you will be so much stronger for going through this... whatever happens. And only you will decide what the outcome is. Have faith, you are doing something good for yourself.

Axx

TooSad

londoner1998 wrote: »

I read somewehre yesterday that we face death to re-build ourselves as a person... and it seems that the OP and her OH are going through that and it can take a very long time.

Some people might think she should give up- I think it is her decision and hers alone to keep going and fight for her marriage. I just think that nowadays everything is disposable and many people give up as soon as things get tough. While some behaviour might not be acceptable for some, she knows what she wants to accept and fight for. I think to say to her' wake up' is not helpful and potentially quite upsetting. The OP has made a decision to fight for her marriage- is that such a bad thing? I think she is an amazing woman and very strong.
I have gone through something similar after my dad's death and it took three very long years of counselling and lot of tears to get to where we are now- and we are fine. I am back to normal and he is more open to me (although still a fairly closed book).
Nobody can judge what is worth fighting for apart from the person involved. And these things take time, they have gone through very hard changes in a very short time.

OP_ yes, it is hard, but it will change and you will be so much stronger for going through this... whatever happens. And only you will decide what the outcome is. Have faith, you are doing something good for yourself.

Axx

Thanks for another nice reply londoner1998, I do feel like my life has started re-over not all aspects, but I am starting my life again, post mum and with an acceptance that she isn't here anymore, no matter how much I wish and long that she was. I have taken 16 months to get to this point and no doubt there will be ups and downs in the months and years to come, but I definately feel more hopeful about the future.

It would be really easy for me to think "F You" and cut my OH out of my life, but that isn't the kind of person I am, I may have come across as needy in the respect that I feel lonely, but I am strong yet frustrated, mainly because I am used to having some control in my life.

Being depressed and moving myself from that dark place made me realise I cannot and shouldn't want to have control over every aspect of my life, so the last 7 weeks have been a learning curve for me as I adjust to my own new way of thinking and though process, don't get me wrong im not suggesting that someone has waved a magic wand and I am now "OK" I have had to work so hard to get to where I am now, and have done it because I knew that I could, even when times were really hard.

I know everything seems one sided because I seem to be putting in all the effort, but you are only getting my perspective, I cannot comment on how he is feeling or thinking, god I wish I could, it would perhaps make all of this somewhat easier to deal with.

Im not naive enough to think that things can go on like this forever, but right now I am not going to chuck it all away.
Deep down I don't think he wants to either, he moved out, yet spends a great deal of time with me, why would you do that when you could just cut off all contact - if that is what you truely wanted.

Im just going to carry on doing my thing, which includes cracking off 50 lengths at swimming tonight after mowing all the lawns after work today. And being there for my husband, not as a doormat, not as someone who is being walked all over, but as his wife, yes the intimacy may not be there in the relationship but while ever I have this ring on my finger and a desire in my heart to make it happen, that is what I am.

TooSad x

CFC

TooSad wrote: »

And being there for my husband, not as a doormat, not as someone who is being walked all over, but as his wife, yes the intimacy may not be there in the relationship but while ever I have this ring on my finger and a desire in my heart to make it happen, that is what I am.

TooSad x

My heart is sad for you, very sad, I walked a path with similarities to yours, after a relationship of 15 years.
I would just say, don't give it too long, especially if you really want children because the clock is ticking on that whether you like it or not. Set yourself a mental timeline and an end date when you decide it is either happening or it's over.
Far too easy to spend years trying to sort it out. I spent 2 years drifting in a similar situation, then I walked away, true it was with a broken heart on my side and a broken heart on my ex's side, but I wasn't willing to damage my mental health by keeping on.
I don't suppose you'll listen to me anyway
And who knows, it may work out for you anyway

CH27

CFC wrote: »

My heart is sad for you, very sad, I walked a path with similarities to yours, after a relationship of 15 years.
I would just say, don't give it too long, especially if you really want children because the clock is ticking on that whether you like it or not. Set yourself a mental timeline and an end date when you decide it is either happening or it's over.
Far too easy to spend years trying to sort it out. I spent 2 years drifting in a similar situation, then I walked away, true it was with a broken heart on my side and a broken heart on my ex's side, but I wasn't willing to damage my mental health by keeping on.
I don't suppose you'll listen to me anyway
And who knows, it may work out for you anyway

I think that's an excellent idea.

renegade

Toosad.
You started with baby steps, you are now taking strides to take control of your life...congratulations, you will win in the end I read the determination in your posts.
Light at the end of the tunnel is waiting for you.
Good Luck.

Lara44

londoner1998 wrote: »

The OP has made a decision to fight for her marriage- is that such a bad thing? I think she is an amazing woman and very strong.

Me too :T

TooSad I have just read your thread, and I am so glad to see you're feeling so much better.

My OH also suffered from depression, and while we managed to stay together, it was a very difficult time for both of us. I read this book which is called How to Survive When They're Depressed. It argues that if one partner is depressed, it can actually induce a kind of 'depression' in the other partner, which she calls 'depression fallout'. It may be that your husband was in such a fragile place he wasn't able to cope.

I absolutely don't mean to trivialise depression as a serious medical condition, and I don't mean to say that 'depression fallout' is the same as actual depression. But the book helped me to understand why I was feeling so bad, even though it was my OH who was so sad. It also helped me to cope with my own anger that this had happened to him (and by extension - us) and helped me to disconnect the OH that I love, from the depressed person who I was living with. Rather, to see the symptoms of the illness, rather than taking everything so personally.

FBaby

TooSad, there are no right and wrong answers, you are being true to yourself and that is the best approach to have, this way, you will have no regrets. I hope it all works out for you whatever the outcome.

londoner1998

I think the OP mentioned something about her OH finding his dad's body... well, i don't know the guy, but I found my mum's body at 13 years old... and I can tell you that is something that marks your life forever. It is easy to mark the OH as not good enough for the OP but I agree with her that as a wife, and as a husband, they are there for each other when times are rough as well. It took me 20 years to be able to speak about my experience and that was after a lot of counselling... and it is still a aprt of my life.

While other people will naturally use their own experiences as a benchmark for the OP's , I don't think we should. Each realtionship is a universe on to itself. Like the previous poster said, she is being true to herself and that is something very rare nowadays. In a relationship, sex and intimacy are part of it, but intimacy (and therefore sex) can not be realised unless you share other aspects of your life and get over problems together. And that seems to be what they are doing right now, in a way that suits them.
Children might come... and then again might not, but I don't think it is healthy to base decisions right now on a 'biological clock' when it is clearly very important for the OP to stay together with her husband and move on to the next stage in their relationship. I don't think a woman is more of a woman or a person just by having children. Other things need to be rsolved before that happens.. if she wants it to happen, and when she wants it.

The OP's attitude is really inspiring... I wish her and her OP all the best

TooSad

Thanks again, the posts whether I agree with peoples advice or not, are all gratefully received. You have all taken the time to post which means a lot to me.

He is coming round tonight to fix some things I have asked him to do and for tea, I've had a great day at work, feel really positive so fingers crossed for a nice evening together.

People keep saying we need to get away just me and him and I think we do tbh, to spend quality time together, but I fear the rejection that may come from suggesting it. Aaaahhh why am I such a chicken!!

TooSad x