Husband gone, what now?

Gigervamp

I have no advice to give you, but I didn't want you to think you were talking to yourself.

I expect your thoughts are whirring around your head stopping you from sleeping.

CH27

You are not a loser!
You are not a failure!

You are an incredibly strong lady who has come so far in a short time.

You cannot carry on hanging round waiting for your husband to decide what he wants.
You need to tell him either face to face or by letter than you will not tolerate being played with. You need to know where you stand so you can continue to build a life without him.
He is being very unfair to you as he has everything on his terms.
Don't let him drag you down.

londoner1998

TooSad wrote: »

Im just posting as I have nobody to talk to. I finished work today and instead of elation I feel so sad. I don't know if I have any fight left in me to carry on. I love my husband with all my heart, some things have happened this week which are happy events in the family but I feel nothing but jealousy and sadness. He won't talk about it I tried tonight but he drank his tea gave me a cuddle and left, like he was either scared of talking or couldn't be bothered with it.
I've gone up bed because at least asleep I don't feel anything good or bad.

I just want to turn back the clock.

Toodsad- nobody said it would be easier... and you know your OH is not the talkative type. Only you know what you wnat to do, but it seems you feel a bit tired. I can relate to the sad feeling after finishing work ... I don't know if it is the anticipation, the release, or the free time ahead of us, but for me, this week has been the hardest after six months of hell at work trying to find a way out for the future... I managed to secure five months, but instead of elation, I felt nothing... nothign but sadness and tiredness. So: don't beat yourself up. You are not a failure, you have come a very, very long way on your own and are doing fantastically well. But it is not easy and it doesn't happen overnight. I know others say to leave, but you say you love your husband and want to keep the marriage going. Jsut do what you feel you shoudl be doing, one way or another, but try not to be too hard on yourself. These things take time so try not to do too much too soon. Weekends and time off are never easy in these circumstances... too much time to think! And remember, whatever your decision is, you are here to support you. Keep posting, but please also try to take care of yourself doing things that please you and are good for you.
Axx

money_honey

I'm really hoping that things will work out for you, and I've kept reading your thread from the beginning so you are definitely not talking to yourself.
Stay strong, you've come so far xx

RacyRed

TooSad, I know that contact with your OH is a lifeline at the moment, but can you see that it is also a form of torture for you?

You had such hopes after your day out at the seaside and now he has dashed them again and you feel abandoned all over again. You are resilliant, I know you can take a lot of that, you will probably tell me that you can take as much of it as you have to if it helps save your marriage.

But should you take so much pain? While I'm sure it is done unintentionally your OH is letting your hopes build up again and again and each time he brings them crashing down again, not through anything he says but by what he doesn't say and doesn't do. This ability to hurt you so badly is something you are gifting him. Are you hoping that in doing so he will see just how very much you love him and react accordingly - dare I say, reward you for it?

You are martyring yourself to your marriage, and I say that as one who has done exactly that herself, for years, for a kind, generous and gentle man I loved so much that I didn't think I could live without him. But while he could see what I was doing and knew why I was doing it he was not emotionally capable of giving me what I so desperately needed, even though he knew exactly what that was and how cruel it was to withold it. He wrung his hands, hung his head and let my suffering continue. Eventually I self-destructed and my love for him was destroyed along with virtually everything else of importance to me.

After I left he found the ability to change, but it was too little and much too late by then.

Please TooSad, look again at what is happening, at what you are doing. Ask yourself with as much honesty as you can if your current actions are really likely to have the result you desire? Or is what you are doing a desperate bid to rescue something you know deep in your heart no longer exists and cannot be rekindled?

How much pain can you take? How long can you let this self torture continue before the physical, emotional and mental cost to you is so great that it permanently damages you?

I know you think that he is worth it, worth every drop of pain, but is he? Is a man who can watch you do this to yourself and not find whatever it would take within himself to stop your suffering, one way or another, honestly worth it? How would you feel if it was the other way round? Could you watch him suffer the way you are now and let it continue again and again, knowing that you had the power to stop it?

I'm not suggesting that you give up hope, but please, please consider withdrawing from him the ability to cause you pain, especially visible pain - as he must have known you were feeling the other night when you tried to talk. He drank his tea, gave you a cuddle and left. TooSad, is that something you would have done had the situations been reversed? Could you have left without saying anything? Or would you have found a way to talk, even if it was just to say that you didn't know how to talk but really wished you could.

Be strong. Be true to yourself. Always remember that life can be good, very good, even after the loss of the love of your life. But it is better to find your way to that contentment with your health intact.

Sorry for any typos, I cannot bring myself to read back over what I have written.

Hugs.

basketcase

I've been following this thread but not said anything till now.

Firstly, I don't think you're a loser or a failure. Far from it! You're a very strong and capable woman who's dealing with a bum hand. You've been a support to your husband when he was going through a rough time and needed it too.

This is only a suggestion, but do you think that perhaps your husband just found he'd had to be strong for his family for such a long time and that he just couldn't be strong any more? Maybe he realised that he drew his strength from you and just didn't know how to cope with you not being 'there'. It reads almost as if he could cope as long as he believed you were OK (both in yourself and as a couple) and he doesn't know what to do if you're not?

He obviously still has feelings for you, but he seems to have problems talking about things. I'm much the same way myself.

Could be completely wrong - so feel free to ignore me. But could he not want to talk things over with you because he's afraid of messing things up? Possibly either because he doesn't want to put a strain on you or because he thinks things are starting to improve and he's scared of spoiling it?

Like I said, feel free to ignore.

rachbc

I too have been reading this thread but not saying anything. A big part of me admires your determination to save your marriage - but an even bigger part agrees with everything racy red has said above - despite how much you have moved on you are still allowing your happiness to depend on him and his actions - every little thing he says or does can elate or crush you. For you long term mental wellbeing this needs to change. If he can't open up and give you what you need emotionally then he needs to have the courage to say so, and you need to have the strength to hear it - because you cannot stay where you are indefinately - its cruel of him to expect you to.

londoner1998

basketcase wrote: »

I've been following this thread but not said anything till now.

Firstly, I don't think you're a loser or a failure. Far from it! You're a very strong and capable woman who's dealing with a bum hand. You've been a support to your husband when he was going through a rough time and needed it too.

This is only a suggestion, but do you think that perhaps your husband just found he'd had to be strong for his family for such a long time and that he just couldn't be strong any more? Maybe he realised that he drew his strength from you and just didn't know how to cope with you not being 'there'. It reads almost as if he could cope as long as he believed you were OK (both in yourself and as a couple) and he doesn't know what to do if you're not?

He obviously still has feelings for you, but he seems to have problems talking about things. I'm much the same way myself.

Could be completely wrong - so feel free to ignore me. But could he not want to talk things over with you because he's afraid of messing things up? Possibly either because he doesn't want to put a strain on you or because he thinks things are starting to improve and he's scared of spoiling it?

Like I said, feel free to ignore.

I subscribe to all this- I have been in the OP's situation and it took three years for me and OH to adapt to our new roles. From being Superwoman and the tower of strength, to needing practical help around the house almost all the time when I was at my lowest, it is only now that we are equalising our roles... and it has taken me a meltdown to reliase we need to re-calibrate. TO my surprise, even thorugh I thorugh I was being crystal clear in articularting my needs, this wasn't always so and OH admitted being very worried and scared and not knowing whether his actions or words would help or make me worse... just a thought.

There are two people involved in the OP's situation and both had to deal with things that changes people's lives for good...
I wish the OP all the luck and strength- I think she is amazing and I salute her for wanting to save her marriage.

TooSad

Hello.
After the other night and me feeling so down I have had a great weekend. I haven't done anything with OH until today, but I have had a great time yesterday at a music festival with my friends from work, got in at 2am this morning, I cannot remember the last time I was awake at that time in the morning because I was having fun - it was great to be with my mates and laughing, lots and lots of laughing.
Today I got back and watched the f1 then picked OH up, he came here for tea and we had a really nice evening together, there was no sniping, no tears, no angry words from either of us, just niceness.
I understand completley what RacyRed says about the hurt and pain, I have allowed myself to slip back to that dark place on the occasions where I have been feeling really carp.
I got back from dropping OH back to a text message that said "Thank you for being nice to me"

Anyway I have 6 weeks off to fill, to work on our marriage, to work on the house and garden and to work on me.

TooSad x

TooSad

Hi All
I've started today as I mean to go on, to bring a bit of MSE to this thread I have been looking through old loan paperwork and will be looking at putting in a claim for repayments of PPI. I haven't had time to do this in the last few months but now I have lots of time so these things can now be sorted or at least started.

Yesterday I also went to see my FIL, well visit his grave. I havent been there since the day we buried him in '05. I don't know why but I felt an overwhelming need to do this. So I took him some flowers had a chat, I said a lot of things that had been playing on my mind with regards to his passing and OH's change of role (his words) within the family. I cried lots of tears but actually feel today like a bit of weight has been lifted off my shoulders and that I have laid to rest some of the resentment I felt at him dying so young and leaving my OH to fulfil the man of the family role.

I feel that I can now visit him with love and warm feelings rather than resentment, I wish I had done this along time ago.

Love
TooSad x