Husband gone, what now?

money_honey

Hi again TooSad, so glad that you're doing well - better and better every time I read a new post from you! :jI definitely think all the effort you've made to get out and do things has been helping a lot. I wish more people could be as inspired and proactive!

flutterby_lil

Wow honey how well do you sound. Go girl

I am glad you have realised how much you need to do things for yourself and not for your OH.

About 4 years ago I was left 3 months pregnant, the father of the planned baby left me. We were engaged but he went back to his ex. Life was a struggle at first. I moved to be closer to my mum, battled through everyday, hated living near her so moved again. So many of my friends told me how strong I was at the time, but didn't feel it. Looking back I did it all for me and my newborn son, brought him up solely (with help from family), worked, moved 3 times to feel "happy" and got on with life. It sounds liek you are doing the same. When my little man was 8 months old I met m partner, he is fab. I am currently pregnant with his child now and couldn't be happier.

The reason I say all this is to let you know how well you are doing and that things will work out how you want them to I am sure xx

TooSad

Thank you money_honey and flutterby_lil. :beer:

I feel so different in a really really positive way.

I joined the pool where I swim today for the next 3 months so I have got the incentive to keep on going.

Only swam 32 lengths but thats 1/2 mile so that will do for me. Feel pooped so laid on sofa watching Come Dine with Me. LOL

MIL's tonight, think Im going to ask her what she thinks about me suggesting a few days away. My SIL had a massive go at her the other day saying that because she gave OH the option to move into her other house, she gave him the reason not to be here. SIL says she has completely lost respect for OH, which I understand but I also find sad.

Might come back later when I have seen her see what she has to say.

TooSad x

bonnie_bumpkins

You are amazing!! You have come so far in a short time. I am really happy for you
Re the depression thing... If you have done this without anti-depressants then you are not/have not been clinically depressed. This is a good thing:j
Being clinically depressed is not 'feeling depressed' ie my mood is depressed, or 'feeling down', feeling sh*t.
Depression is a total lack of ability to function. It is nothing to do with 'feeling sad'.
From what you have posted this is not the case for you.
However for your husband I think he is/has been in this category. But it seems things are changing for the better.
Wishing you all the very best!
BB

TooSad

Thanks Bonnie_Bumpkins!

The reason I queried the anti depressants and how I would be now, is because I was offered them by my GP at my first appointment. I had done the PHQ-9 questionnaire and scored 17 or 19 I think. I was so overwhelmed that I refused AD's at that time. I didn't really know what I was doing to be honest.

I just wonder if I had taken them would have I got this far?? I don't know as I have never experienced it. I just wonder whether as wonderful as my GP was/ is, whether it's just a stock response to people presenting with symptoms of moderate or worse depression.

I don't doubt for one minute my OH has been depressed, he would never ever go to the dr's about it. He won't even admit it to himself! However knowing what I know now, and I know a fair bit after my extensive reading I know he has been depressed and not as a result of my depression.

I spoke to my MIL tonight she was lovely. I explained about wanting him now not necessarily needing him to support my emotions, she said she 100% understood and she felt I needed to say it to him.

OH rang MIL whilst I was there and we had a chat too. He asked me to pick him up tomorrow not her which was what he had said. I hope he has had a good time but I've missed him loads.

TooSad

Today - is a day of rest for TooSad.
I've woken up aching like crazy so I am just going to potter about and read up on Radio Telephony for aircraft.
Still got 30 days of leisure in front of me, so one day of doing not a lot isn't going to harm anything.

TooSad x

bonnie_bumpkins

TooSad wrote: »

I just wonder if I had taken them would have I got this far??

This is a very interesting question!!

My first thought was that you would have got even further as they would have helped you. But if you weren't actually clinically depressed then they may not have had such a beneficial effect?? I'm not sure on this point and I have taken ADs long-term. I think it depends on the person; in the past I have started taking ADs and been told they won't take effect for a couple of week and yet I felt hugely better in a couple of days. This may be the placebo effect, of course. But another time I started taking them again, and I didn't feel the slightest bit better for over a month! So you just don't know. I don't think you would have been any worse, put it that way; so yes, you would have got as far as you have, imho. End of waffly answer

As for your OH, maybe his 'withdrawing' from your home to his mother's is his way of treating himself, on a subconscious level. When I say treating I mean making better, not giving himself a nice thing :rotfl: In which case it is a good thing he did have somewhere to go even though it has been so dreadfully hard and upsetting for you. Does this make sense?

BB

TooSad

bonnie_bumpkins wrote: »

This is a very interesting question!!

As for your OH, maybe his 'withdrawing' from your home to his mother's is his way of treating himself, on a subconscious level. When I say treating I mean making better, not giving himself a nice thing :rotfl: In which case it is a good thing he did have somewhere to go even though it has been so dreadfully hard and upsetting for you. Does this make sense?

BB

Yes it does make sense, and yes it has been painful. When I was talking to MIL last night she said did I think I was feeling better because OH wasn't there. I said No, I was feeling better because him going made me sit up and look at myself and I could either sink or swim - luckily I swam (in every sense of the word)

Him leaving forced my hand in a lot of respects and made me look at the things that weren't right in my life and make myself well again.

He is on his way home and is coming for dinner later :j

TooSad x

bonnie_bumpkins

Dinner, husband... AND... very probably, a present!! Have a great evening! _party__party_
BBx

TooSad

Just dropped him off as he was tired after his trip. Met him at airport was really pleased to see me, came over for a kiss
Cooked dinner which was nice, and he filled me in on his trip.
Told me he had missed me without me prompting him to do so.
Bought me a present - which I really like, hooray.
Just happy to have him back in the UK, he was impressed with what I had done while he was away, I told him I didnt need him, but I loved him and wanted him. He didn't really say anything apart from well done on what I had done. Hey im ok with that because at least he knows what I think and feel.

So things are ok and Im ok

TooSad x