Husband gone, what now?

NickyBat

really pleased you are in a better place with regards to the depression, but i have to say i wonder how long you can carry on in "limbo land" with your marriage.
At some point (and for me i think it would have to be sooner rather than later), you need to know where your hubby intends to go with your relationship.
Ok, so he needs space but how much and how long, he has already had a few weeks and doesn't seem to be taking any steps to rectify the situation.
He has to realise he cannot carry on having his cake and eating it, while you wait around, together you need to be moving forward.

TooSad

Ok following on from last night, I've had a restless night thinking things through, and I texted him this morning.
I told him that "I've spent a lot of time awake during the night thinking about things. I won't be contacting you anymore I cannot go on in this limbo. I love you with all my heart but I cannot allow your attitude towards me to continue to bring me down. I get it you've walked away from our marriage, you don't want to talk about things whereas I do. You say your done talking, you didn't recognise that I've been ill because it's been a mental thing not a physical and now I'm better you won't allow me that opportunity. I laid my heart out in that letter and you might aswell have wiped your bum on it for all it meant to you. I'm not doing this to hurt you I'm doing this because I have more self respect for me. It hurts me more than you!"

He hasn't responded I feel sick for sending it !!!!!!, why does life have to be do hard

CH27

I think you were right to send it.
You needed to let him know where you stand.

Well done on putting yourself & your mental wellbeing at the top of your priorities.
When you are mentally strong you can deal with things more rationally.

TooSad

CH27 wrote: »

I think you were right to send it.
You needed to let him know where you stand.

Well done on putting yourself & your mental wellbeing at the top of your priorities.
When you are mentally strong you can deal with things more rationally.

I said to my GP that I am my number one priority and I meant it. I've worked so hard to get myself to where I am now I'm not going to be knocked back again!

But that said I still desperately want my marriage to work out, but I do know that this can't happen if only 50% of the relationship is commited to making a difference.

I don't want our families to interfere/intervene per say, but I know his family haven't talked about it with him (which tbh I find odd) our families are different but still want the same things for us, they want us to work things out but I don't know how we can even contemplate anything. Good/Bad or indifferent.
My family have contacted him to let them know how much they care about us both and hope we can resolve our problems. But I've had limited contact with his family, not through lack of trying. I just feel like I've been erased (if that makes sense)

CH27

I'd seriously consider changing the locks & then wait & see what he does or says.

As you say both of you have to want it to work out.

jackieglasgow

I don't think you should change the locks, but the next time you see him ask for the keys back. To be honest, I am shocked no one has said this before now. Don't forewarn him though, in case he gets a second set cut, but definitely do ask for them when you see him.

TooSad

Well the text message prompted a response of "Why didnt I want to contact him?" and other things. I explained how I felt it was met with hostility and then the end if the phonecall. Some 4 hours(!!) later I get a message that phone had died and did I fancy going out tonight.
No was my response as I had plans, but I could do tomorrow.

So, he didn't seem to like me taking some control didn't like it at all couldn't understand. And instead of taking what I've said he is now making the effort, I don't know if he thought carp what will she do next. I'm not getting to excited but it seems like a potential "mini" breakthrough. Time will tell, but im not taking any poo of anyone,I want and deserve better

CH27

TooSad wrote: »

Well the text message prompted a response of "Why didnt I want to contact him?" and other things. I explained how I felt it was met with hostility and then the end if the phonecall. Some 4 hours(!!) later I get a message that phone had died and did I fancy going out tonight.
No was my response as I had plans, but I could do tomorrow.

So, he didn't seem to like me taking some control didn't like it at all couldn't understand. And instead of taking what I've said he is now making the effort, I don't know if he thought carp what will she do next. I'm not getting to excited but it seems like a potential "mini" breakthrough. Time will tell, but im not taking any poo of anyone,I want and deserve better

Keep tight hold of that thought.

TooSad

Well nothing further to say about my OH, still spending time together I think the text message dud give him a kick in the butt. I have spoken to his mum too and told her exactly what the problems are (he had already told her - he said) and also his immaturity with regards to talking about it.
I've returned to work on a phased return, only done two 1/2 days, so far so good, I do loved my job, but you know these 5 weeks off have given me time to think, I do love it- but it's not the thing that defines me. I am good, no great at what I do and I don't need to worry about that, but I do definitely need to look at my work/life balance. It felt liberating when a colleague asked me to do something, to reply with "I will look at if tomorrow in work time" TooSad of old would have done it that night at home in order to appease/please said colleague, who wouldn't have thanked me for doing a swift job anyway!!! I am defo looking after number one, it's like a whole new world too me, sound ridiculous I expect.
Right off to sleep another busy 1/2 day in front of me, work 8-12 then lunch with friend who will be 40+1 with first baby...eeek!!

TooSad xxx

Bearo

Work at it. Life can be s##t at times. Stay friends and try dating. Recapture some of the early days.

The no-kids issue; get the relationship issue back on an even keel first. When you are content with each other then the kids will come, although you might need some medical checkups. We had seven years of trying, then tests, then it happened naturally.

I hope things really turn around for you.