Husband gone, what now?

CH27

He was waiting for you to fall at his feet in ecstacy that he'd returned.

He will be most put out that you haven't fallen apart without him.

pmlindyloo

QUOTE
He came home last night, not for good, but came round, let himself in - hasn't done that since he left, and sat down and watched TV with me. After about 20 minutes I asked him why he was here as it obviously wasn't to talk to me, and he could have watched TV at his mums (where he had been for tea)

Did you know he was coming round?

If you didn't know I am sat here wondering if he came round to check there wasn't a new man in your life!

From what you've said you are doing brilliantly well showing the world that you are 'moving on' (yes, I know you still love him) and perhaps he cannot believe that you are not begging him to return!

TooSad

He had said he "might" come round but nothing concrete. My sister said she thought he was "checking up" on me.

I think he might be a bit put out that I'm not in bits. He doesn't get the privilege of seeing me in pieces.

I just got the feeling be wanted to say something but didn't feel he could. Maybe I'm wrong but it was just bizarre.

RacyRed

TooSad wrote: »

came round, let himself in

He doesn't have that right anymore. Change/switch the locks and really give him something to think about.

TooSad

Did 50 lengths in 41mins no Olympian but still I feel good about it and myself.

I got out of the pool last night to a text from my OH to say he was in, as a parcel had arrived during the day. I also got a picture message of me and him from and unknown number, no message just the pic! It transpired it was from my OH he had got a new phone contract as advised by me. (so he listens and does take on board my advice!) I asked him why he sent it??
He didn't say just smiled. I said if he wasn't going to tell me then I would assume it's because he was reminded of nice times we had had together. He said nothing.
Part of me wonders if he is just messing with my head, gah I don't know. Anyway enough ponderings I've got a garden that needs some tlc!!! Again! It's never ending.

CH27

Don't let him mess with your head.
Decide how you want to go forward & be treated & lay some ground rules.

satchmo1

For your own peace of mind, set some ground rules: he can't let himself in (whether you are there or not); he can't come without a purpose; he can't come without an appointment (i.e. setting a day and time). He's definitely messing with your head! Hugs, Satchmo

deb68_2

hi
you are doing great keep it up as hard as it is at times keep smiling even tho u may not want to
sounds like he wants to talk but hasnt got the bottle to come out i was a complete prat. my head was all over the place and im sorry,but it has the thrown him you getting on with life even tho it hurts you it has confused him
keep doing what you are doing way to go girl i think you are doing amazing you should be very proud of yourself
dont let !!!! grind you down hold your head up even when you dont want too let him stew in his own mess
take care (((((((((((( ))))))))))))

TooSad

Thanks to you all. I am going to try not to think about why he us doing what he is doing for too long, it will drive me potty! I am just going to busy myself with painting & decorating and doing all the things he used to do and I helped with.
My garden (our garden) is looking the best it has in 5 years and I'm proud of it, especially when he has been round and sees how nice it is.

Despite me wanting him home desperately, it's quite nice to be getting a grip on all the jobs he never got round to doing. Men!

princeofpounds

Man's perspective here...

He may well not be messing with your head. At least not intentionally, even though he is practically.

When you talk about him popping over and just watching TV, did it cross your mind that maybe he just wanted to be around, and enjoy being around you? I would have been hurt if all I got was an angry response about clearly not wanting to talk to you, even though it's probably fair enough given the situation was probably far more ambiguous for you than it was for him.

Similarly sending you the old picture with the cryptic reply, my immediate thoughts are this is him trying to capture a moment or a feeling he has had in the past with you, with positive connotations.

(The above is speculation - I could only be sure if I knew him - and would completely go out of the window if he were cheating, but if he really is thinking about saving the relationship somehow it is less likely to be a cold-blooded power game)

In a sense, I wouldn't be surprised if he is almost trying to keep enjoying the good parts of being with you whilst abdicating responsibility for all of you, including the confused and depressive part.

Yes that's a bit selfish, but if the relationship has truly felt so bad to him for so long then I can understand why he might be in a situation where he feels he should be letting go of the relationship but doesn't really want to.

Just a suggestion, because the interpretation of these events has been pretty hostile and there is not necessarily a manipulative explanation for it, although there could be.

Anyway, I think you need to be careful with the 'tough love, do it for the sistas, make him crawl back' approach. I actually agree with the sentiment behind it; you need to get back in a position where you and he are both accepting of the totality of your relationship, not just cherry-picking.

But the style of delivery could be wrong. Again, as a bloke, I'd be confused as to why my tentative olive branches are met with hostility.

For example, I agree just dropping in at will sends very confusing messages. But 'I'm changing the locks' sends a very simple message and it isn't 'I'd quite like to save what we have'. But explaining why he shouldn't do it and acknowledging any potential good intentions behind it will feel less like a rejection even if you set the same ground rule. And offering an alternative that you prefer and control will also help; for example swap it for a scheduled coffee in the park slot or whatever. Much easier to take control if a man thinks he mutually agreed the decision and it's a little bit sugar coated.

Men are very simple creatures and whilst women generally have better relationship logic and understanding it is often the tone of what is said that sticks in the mind, not the logic behind it.

That's just while you are in 'saving' mode. If you decide it's not going to work then fine, be tough as old boots.