Husband gone, what now?

TooSad

DarlingBuds wrote: »

Hi TooSad,

Can I just say WOW! I read you're original entry and I panicked to give you some advise so I jumped to the end and can't believe the mood you are in!!!

I'm going to read the middle parts now and try and work out what the hell happened inbetween.... but I'm so glad your life is better - maybe you could help me out with mine....

A lot of things have happened, lots of good, a few bad but Im still here and getting on with things. Im having a bad day today due to my sisters chat with me but tomorrow is another day and I will be OK. I'm hormonal as well so that doesnt help!!! I won't lie its been bl**dy hard some days and some days I've thought what the f**k am I doing, but I have got resilience I never knew I had and I'm stronger than I ever knew I could be.

TS x

DarlingBuds

That's fantastic! I too have the 'dark cloud' which has come and gone over the years, and having a particularly bad day today.

All I feel I've done is shout and argue and get nowhere. I keep fighting and sometimes I feel like you when you say your proud of how you are achieving things for you, by you, but other days are like today when I feel that there is no hope.

I'm so glad you are sorted, much love DB

TooSad

I'm not 100% sorted, but I'm on a journey. The only thing is I'm not sure of the destination.
I have found swimming and acupuncture and my garden to be the things that have pulled me out of the hole. As well as my own desire to get better.

TSx

CH27

TooSad wrote: »

My sister came round earlier to see me as she has been on holiday, she had been to see my dad and she said he isn't coping with keeping on top of things at home.
Im ashamed to admit it but I havent been to see him at home since May, I have seen him and spoke to him lots since then, but I find it so sad going home and mum not being there. Just the thought of it makes me sad. I guess that with dealing with my depression I need to deal with the fact dad now lives there alone and no matter how much I want it to be different it never will be.
I feel like a rotten daughter that he isn't coping in terms of keeping the house clean and tidy, he did have a cleaner but she broke her ankle, but she used to do about 4 hours a week and did his ironing too. I have offered on numerous occasions to help him out but I either don't get a response or he changes the subject. Sister who told me doesn't know what to do, she is dads step daughter and doesn't feel that she has a close enough relationship to him to say anything eventhough she has been in his life for 35 years!
I know that he probably doesnt even see it as a problem, hence him not taking up offers for help, and I know we cannot force him to change or to do anything he doesn't want to. In terms of other things he is coping admirably, but mum literally did do everything for him, so he has had to learn to cook, iron etc and is doing most things well. But its just what my sister has said has really got to me.
I suppose I need to go and see it for myself and see whether it is as bad as she is saying. But if it is I don't know what to do.

Apart from worrying about the above today I have cleaned top to bottom, have washed and ironed and done some gardening. Took a break to go watch the Vulcan land at the airport, yet still I am not tired.

I feel emotionally drained though today, I have gone from feeling elated and happy this morning to feeling so sad tonight

I hope tomorrow is a better day, I think the weather is meant to be poop so maybe I should have left all indoor work until tomorrow - doh!

TS x

My Dad struggles wth the big things since mum died so I go up every three months & clean top to bottom. I call it the season's clean:D
I also found Dad didn't understand how & when to do some stuff so I helped him to set a routine where he keeps on top of stuff. Maybe you could do the same with your Dad? That way he keeps hs independance & you can keep an eye on him.

It is difficult when a parent dies as there is an empty hole at their house but you just have to deal with it & it does become the norm eventually.

TooSad

CH27 wrote: »

My Dad struggles wth the big things since mum died so I go up every three months & clean top to bottom. I call it the season's clean:D
I also found Dad didn't understand how & when to do some stuff so I helped him to set a routine where he keeps on top of stuff. Maybe you could do the same with your Dad? That way he keeps hs independance & you can keep an eye on him.

It is difficult when a parent dies as there is an empty hole at their house but you just have to deal with it & it does become the norm eventually.

How did you tackle this with you dad if you don't mind me asking? The last thing I want to do is hurt or upset him, but if it's as bad as my sister says it is we cannot ignore it.
It upsets me too as I ask dad what he's been upto and he reels off things that then I find out are porkie pies. Such as he told me over the summer he had been at my grans everyday working in her/his veg garden, but then I visit gran and she is upset because garden is full of
weeds! I don't know what he does with his time, he is retired but doesn't have a set routine. When I was first diagnosed with depression he was upset and said he felt how I felt which I understand, but he has refused to do anything about it.
I feel bad too because I don't want him to bring me down iyswim.

I just wish sometimes mum was here, she'd know what to say and do.

TS xx

Blade26

But if Mum was here there wouldn't be a problem

CH27

TooSad wrote: »

How did you tackle this with you dad if you don't mind me asking? The last thing I want to do is hurt or upset him, but if it's as bad as my sister says it is we cannot ignore it.
It upsets me too as I ask dad what he's been upto and he reels off things that then I find out are porkie pies. Such as he told me over the summer he had been at my grans everyday working in her/his veg garden, but then I visit gran and she is upset because garden is full of
weeds! I don't know what he does with his time, he is retired but doesn't have a set routine. When I was first diagnosed with depression he was upset and said he felt how I felt which I understand, but he has refused to do anything about it.
I feel bad too because I don't want him to bring me down iyswim.

I just wish sometimes mum was here, she'd know what to say and do.

TS xx

By saying things like oh Dad i've just bottomed my bedroom for spring. Shall I help you do yours?
Occasionally I nip up when I knw he is out & do stuff.

TooSad

CH27 wrote: »

By saying things like oh Dad i've just bottomed my bedroom for spring. Shall I help you do yours?
Occasionally I nip up when I knw he is out & do stuff.

.

Thanks for that. I just don't want to offend him.
I wouldn't nip in when he isn't there I don't have a key, my sister who lives round the corner does though.

I am going to tactfully suggest he may like to do some decorating too, he bought a new 3 piece suite last xmas and said he wanted to decorate but hasn't the first clue (and im not being rude about him) where to even begin, and all offers fell by the wayside.

I know its his home and he can do as he pleases but I do think I would perhaps go and see him more if things looked different and looked like dads house, rather than mum and dads house. I know this is also true of my sisters.
I know that sounds incredibly selfish and I don't mean to be mean.

TS x

CH27

TooSad wrote: »

.

Thanks for that. I just don't want to offend him.
I wouldn't nip in when he isn't there I don't have a key, my sister who lives round the corner does though.

I am going to tactfully suggest he may like to do some decorating too, he bought a new 3 piece suite last xmas and said he wanted to decorate but hasn't the first clue (and im not being rude about him) where to even begin, and all offers fell by the wayside.

I know its his home and he can do as he pleases but I do think I would perhaps go and see him more if things looked different and looked like dads house, rather than mum and dads house. I know this is also true of my sisters.
I know that sounds incredibly selfish and I don't mean to be mean.

TS x

I bought Dad new cushions for the front room sofa & a couple of new throws in bright colours for the back room sofa.
I just said things like oh I saw these & thought they would keep you snug in winter.
Little things make a difference but remember your dad may get comfort from things being the same.
Imagine how you would feel if somebody started changing things n your house because they reminded them of your OH now he doesn't live with you.

TooSad

CH27 wrote: »

I bought Dad new cushions for the front room sofa & a couple of new throws in bright colours for the back room sofa.
I just said things like oh I saw these & thought they would keep you snug in winter.
Little things make a difference but remember your dad may get comfort from things being the same.
Imagine how you would feel if somebody started changing things n your house because they reminded them of your OH now he doesn't live with you.

I know . I wouldn't ever in a million years change things without him asking for help to change it in the first place. He wanted to decorate when he bought his new sofas but then he never asked for help again. I think he thinks he is a burden and nothing is further from the truth.
But I don't want to force myself on him, but then again if he won't ask we are in a no win situation if you see what I mean.
Will broach it with him next week. I like the idea of buying things and saying I thought of you.
I have been following the preparing for winter thread on OS board, will get my head together with my sisters and see what we can come up with, he has mentioned that his fuel bills are extortionate. So maybe thats a good inroad.
Thanks CH27 x