Nightmare 15 yr old daughter

Curry_Queen

toozie wrote:

There's some real horrer stories on here now. It's a worry that my parenting skills have nurtured this teenage monster, and it sounds like I may have worse to come. We have set ground rules, that are being kept as far as time keeping is concerned at the moment, but as many of you say, I would not have the power to enforce any rules if she wanted to break them.

All take care.

Hi Toozie,

Sorry to hear you're having problems with your daughter too. I don't know how old she is but presumably a teenager from what you say. Sometimes i don't think it's all down to us as parents as to how our kids turn out, although saying that I feel wholly responsible and guilty for the problems with my eldest, but society has a lot to answer for too.

Kids these days have been given the upper hand as far as parental authority goes and we are completely powerless to do anything other than react verbally or risk being prosecuted. Gone are the days where you were too scared to back-chat or step out of line in case you got a leather belt across your !!!!!! :mad:

They also have a complete lack of respect these days and think nothing of shouting back and insulting you if they can't get their own way. I wouldn't have dreamed of doing anything like that to my own parents and I was no model teenager myself, but at least I respected them and even if I pushed the boundaries at times I'd always back down in the end.

My boys are a complete contrast, albeit they have different fathers, but were raised with exactly the same standards and expectations regardless. My eldest had a promising future with excellent school grades and potential university material before going off the rails and he's thrown all that away now. I've tried so hard to help him get his life back on track just to be abused and attacked and I really fear for his future now. He desparately needs help but has ruined his chances of anyone helping him now and the authorities don't want to know. What hope does he have

Pollen

Hi Curry Queen,

Your previous experiences with his father and current situation must bring out strong emotions. However, behaviour no matter how bad can be unlearnt when the person is willing to do so. I know many individuals who have changed their behaviour for the good but they need to come to that place. There is always hope, although the immediate concern must be for you and t'other son.

Have you a friend who can support you through this? Don’t be ashamed to confide and let people know how you are feeling and let them know what you need. You should ring the school, explain the situation and seek their advice, they will be able to support your son during this time. Is there a friend who can give your son a lift to/from school?

As to procedure, if the police DV unit have not contacted you tomorrow ring them, or even tonight they should have answerphone, (I know it is not you who should be chasing but this is not a perfect world). They will make contact to advise you and hopefully make a visit. The police should have passed your name to Victims Support who will make contact with you over the next few days. I do not know how long it is in your area, however, if you need someone to talk to ring them. They are usually very responsive and helpful.

Any witness appearance by you depends on your son pleads to any charges. He will appear in the Magistrates’ Court in the first instance, and the police will be able to advise you of any outcome and bail conditions. A trial will only occur if he pleads not guilty and you can be called as a witness, however witness support schemes are available, along with support from the Police DV unit who will, if needed get you to the Court – however will not come to this if he pleads guilty and you’re correct, you need to cross that bridge when you come to it.

This link will give you some numbers – do phone – the Tulip project looks useful.

http://www.manchester.gov.uk/housing/asb/dv3.htm

Hope this is of some help,

Pollen

mini

rushnowt wrote:

Well, this mornings been a great start I'd noticed the other day my bottle of expensive perfume had gone missing, so i went on a search and find mission, i found it under the covers on my daughters bed, so i took it back and said nothing, then this morning i noticed it had gone again. This time I couldnt keep my mouth shut, so when she came down stairs, I said "do you like my perfume" she replied "yea why" gggrrrrrr.

She started going on and on " what are ya saying i cnt use owt now blah blah blah" i was in shock LOL.

Everyone is provided for in my house, and wants for nowt, however i do have a couple of really expensive treats that have been given as gifts and ive asked everyone not to use them cos there for mum's treat days. everyone is fine with this barring my eldest, for some reason she feels its her god given right to use what she wants when she wants, and thinks nothing of using half the contents in one go. :mad:
and to be honest its not just mine either, she will take anyone stuff she's used almost all my other daughters makeup and takes anything else she see's that she likes the look of.

My mums suggestion is that i should lock everything away so she cant get to it, i dont feel i should have to do this and i think its a bit extreme, but do ya think she's right ? would i be best to have everyones stuff under lock and key to keep it safe

Hi rushnowt,
I remember reading about someone who kept their expensive perfume with all the cleaning things, the theory was she was the only one who used them! not sure if it would work but thought I'd mention it.
love mini

Savvy_Sue

Curry Queen you've already had excellent advice, and please you and Rush and Toozie and ALL of you going through problems DO NOT BLAME YOURSELVES. Even if you were all the worst parents in the world - which you can't be, because YOU CARE SO MUCH! - we all reach an age at which we have to decide whether to live under the cloud of the things in our upbringing which weren't perfect, or make our own choices and move on. Yes, mistakes made by our parents may have long term consequences, and we may have to live with them, but we can choose.

We recently had a light-hearted discussion with our lads about what our role in life is: their feeling was that we should do all in our power to give them a smooth ride in life, stick up for them right or wrong, give them whatever they want etc etc etc. We feel that our role in life is to make sure they learn this lesson: Life Is Unfair. Deal With It.

And Curry Queen, there is evidence to suggest that families who set clear boundaries and stick by them are more helpful to their drug-abusing children than those who don't. In other words, if you feel you have to keep your older son away, if necessary by police involvement, do it. I can only imagine how hard this is.

When drug users CHOOSE to change, when they are ready to change, when they start facing their addiction and the problems this has brought on themselves and those around them, there is hope for change to take place. As long as they are in denial about the problem or the effect it has on them and those around them, you are wasting your breath, your money, your time, and - in a certain sense - your love. Of course you never stop loving them, but there is no tangible way to express that love, except through the boundaries.

Where drugs or alcohol are involved, I do urge you to get support for yourselves - I posted a couple of links further up this thread, I think. But always remember, it's not your fault.

And Rushnowt, I agree you shouldn't HAVE to lock up your perfume, but if you do, you do. If you have a filing cabinet without a key, you can often get a key from a locksmith if you know the reference on the lock.

And I said I was having an early night tonight ... I hope this helps and doesn't sound too preachy. Big hugs to you all, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!

elona

Toozie

I am sure that it is not a problem with your parenting skills - otherwise how do you account for your other children who do not give you grief?

I know what it is like and sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and say that you love them but not their behaviour!

The best of luck and she is very lucky to have you - even:):) if she does not realise it.

rushnowt

Hi Curry Queen,

I'm so glad you found us, I know we havent all got the answers and cant make everything go away, but at least you know now that many of us are going through bad times with our kids of varing degrees and I hope like me you will soon learn that everyone on here cares and understands. Its been a great help for me just to know I can come here and let it all out and someone is here to listen and give their advice and support.

Reading your post had me close to tears and made my blood run cold, Love and hugs to you and your son. I cant really say anything else that hasnt already been said, youve been given some excellent advice here and I hope with all my heart that everything works out ok for you.

Your heart must be breaking after seeing what your son is capable of, but please, please dont blame yourself or your parenting for any of this , you have done nothing wrong. I made myself poorly for years blaming myself until i eventually realised that its not my fault, I treat all my kids the same and none of the others are the way my eldest is, shes just a law unto herself, theres no talking to her, you just cant get anything through to her at all, she beleives what she wants and everything else is just a pile of crap.

Obviously drugs have a big effect and play a large part in your sons behaviour as well and hopefully if he can get the help he needs to clean himself up his life could well improve, but he needs to want this for himself.

But at the end of the day yours and your younger sons life , health and well being are the most important here and you have to keep yourselfs safe at any cost, I hope that the "authorities" will now do their jobs to ensure that this is the case, make sure you keep yourself up to date with whats happening and if your worried he may return make sure the police know this and put procedures in place to stop this happening.

Take care & all my Love and best wishes xxx

Glad

curry-queen

how awful this must be for you, no-one wants to report their own to the police but for the sake of your younger son you have done the right thing, I'm sure with your agoraphobia you would not be forced to go to court, a statement taken by the Police could be read out instead.

Did your son ever witness any of his fathers violent behaviour toward you?
has his father changed at all or has he carried on being violent and nasty whilst your son has been living with him?

Curry_Queen

Thank you so much to all of you that have replied with some great advice and support ... it certainly has helped to be able to share what I'm going through instead of keeping it all bottled up. I'm very isolated where I am and don't have any friends or family to confide in or help me in anyway. I did have a support worker who visited me regularly last year but they felt they could be of no further benefit to me and with resources being low I was dropped from their case-load

Savvy-Sue, you didn't come across at all preachy so don't worry hun and I'm not the sort to get offended by straight talk, and actually prefer be told as it is rather than beating around the bush like so many so-called "pros" do

I know I shouldn't blame myself for everything and like you rushnowt, my other kids are just fine. I also have another teenage son who recently went to live with his father (his choice as he doesn't like living in a village and wanted to be nearer the city) and we get on great most of the time. He's just a typical sixteen year old and nothing like his older brother. It's just so hard not to feel guilty though, especially when they tell you it's all your fault.

glad wrote:

Did your son ever witness any of his fathers violent behaviour toward you?
has his father changed at all or has he carried on being violent and nasty whilst your son has been living with him?

He was very young when we split up (final straw being thrown down the stairs while pregnant with our 2nd son) but he may well remember some of the violence and I know his father has been violent on more than one occassion to his current partner too, so no doubt he thinks it's ok to go around hitting women and children. It's not the first time he's attacked me and he recently spent time in prison following an assault on his girlfriend.

I've still not heard anything from the police or Victim Support so don't know what's happened to him or anything. I know I should maybe give them a call but I'm not very good at dealing with stuff over the phone (pity I can't email them!) so I'll wait a while and see if they contact me.

Many thanks and best wishes to you all xxxx

Pollen

Hi Curry Queen, just checking on how you are, seeing what action you have taken and with some more directional advice (which may or may not be wanted!)

Firstly you say you had a support worker who visited last year and this was withdrawn following re-assessment. I assume this benefited you and the relationship was good – although assumptions can be wrong. Your situation has now changed and you are in not a good place. Therefore you need to go back to them and request further support to enable you to get though this time.

Secondly, why have you not contacted the police DV unit (tel no: 0161 872 505). I appreciate that action is difficult to take, however if you do not ensure you have the correct support. If you feel you cannot contact them, go through the women’s Domestic Violence Helpline route, (tel no: 0161 839 8574). Web site http://www.wdvh.org.uk/helpline.htm. Unfortunately their ‘e’ mail facility is unavailable but if you ring they will be more than happy to talk, help and support. They can contact the police and you can find out what is happening. Fear is amplified from the unknown and you need to take some action. The Tulip service appears to be specific to your situation.
Tulip Project (parents/carers who experience violence from children in their care) (0151) 637 6363

So give them a ring – suggest you do this at 10.30 am in the morning as often projects don’t start till 10.00 am.
Thirdly, how is your son – did you ring the school and explain your situation. If you do not feel able to do this on the phone you can do it by ‘e’ mail as most schools have this facility. You need to start looking after yourself and your son (which I know isn’t easy). I hope today was a little better and you find the strength to start taking action.

Thinking of you

PollenXX

Caz2_2

Hi curry queen. I am a direct so i apologise in advance if what i say is too much or offensive to you.
Firstly your older son is a drug addict who is violent, he is also a convicted criminal with the ability to attack his own family. He has assalted you and your son. He needs to be stopped. You have a duty first and foremost to protect your 12 year old, i know you are ill but you need to show your youngest that you are able to protect him and offer him a safe enviroment.
You need to have all the locks in the house changed so that at least when you are behind closed doors your son and you feel safe. I think school needs a photo or description of your eldest so they can protect your youngest. You need to press as many charges as possible and testify so that he is locked up for a long time. Why! because he is a danger to you all, but also because he is a danger to himself, you must worry whether you will get a call saying someone has killed him or they have found him dead through a drug overdose. Prision is not drug free but it is controlled and you know where he is. Who knows what will happen to him, he may be rebilitated, he may not, but if you keep safe you will be around to see it, sorry to scare you, but a drug fuelled 20 year old who is not in control of his actions will not reconise his mother or his young brother and i fear for you if you don't take all the advise offered on this post. GET DIALING.
Be tough and strong.
PS do you remember a time in your life when you felt powerful and in control? how would curry queen have dealt with this problem, at that time. She's still there just a bit older and a bit more battered but she is still there, drag her out and put her in to action
Good luck we are all with you and thinking about you. Post again whenever you need to Caroline