Nightmare 15 yr old daughter

toozie_2

Please help...

My daughter has suddenly turned into a monster. She's not running wild, or out of control or anything. But she answers back to everything, we can't breathe the same air as her, without some sarcastic comment. Her GCSE's are coming up this May, and she should do well, and was hoping to stay at school. Now she won't discuss it, tells me its none of my business what she does etc. She hasn't changed her friends, there is a group of 4 who've been together all thru school, so its not that.
I'm at my witts end, Mr. T is all for screaming, shouting, and banishing her to the bedroom-where she likes to be most of the time anyway, with the door shut. I think we have to be more tactful and ride the storm...hormones etc.
Please help....someone who has reared a girl passed the age of 16 without comitting murder.
Thankyou

Savvy_Sue

I'm afraid I've only got boys, now 17, 15 and 12 going on 22 ...

But the youngest has suddenly gone like your 15 year old, possibly not as extreme but whereas he would chat to me about everything it's now all none of my business and 'don't worry'. the 15 year old just grunts. My requests for help with washing up etc are generally ignored until I shout. No, that's not fair, the older two come when it suits them or if I shout, but the youngest has to be shouted at.

If you can find parenting classes for teenagers in your area, they might be worth a try. I am sure you will find you are not alone, which should help! The Health Visitor at your GP surgery may know of some, or they are often offered by local churches. There is a website I saw a colleague looking at at work but I can't find it now ... sorry.

Also if you are very worried it might be worth talking to her tutor at school and see if they are also concerned about her. I know I find the school seems to be teaching a pleasant, cooperative, friendly, helpful young man, whereas I seem to have a neanderthal monster come home on the bus each night ...

And if you know her friend's parents, can you ask if they have the same problem?

Honestly, you are not alone, and it does get better, usually. My 17 year old is now quite nice to know, but he was full of mouth a few years ago and no fun at all to spend time with.

All the best.

toozie_2

Thanks Sue, I'm hoping its a bad phase, thats last quite long (seems like forever at the moment!)

She babysits for 3 familes, and all the Mum's think she's wonderful, and the kids love her. So she can't act the same way in their homes.

I've just had a parents evening following Mock GCSE results, the teachers were fairly complimentary, appart from stating she can be quite stubbon.

It's like Jackl and Hyde at home, its rare to hear a civil word.......by the time my next daughter reaches this stage, I should be well experienced......or be in prison!!

Mrs_Thrift

I don't have any children but it's not that long since I was a nightmare 15 year old daughter myself. I agree with you that it's best to ride out the storm rather than go in all guns blazing, if at all possible.

The things my parents did that I really appreciated during my teenage terror years (and I appreciate even more now, looking back) were simply talking to me, taking an interest in me, but at the same time not being overbearing or intrusive, trying to give me the respect I felt I got from the families I babysat for but not always at home (granted I didn't always deserve it!) and my Mum reminded me that she too had been a teenager and remembered how hard it was which helped me feel less alone. (Even though my friends were all teenagers too, it always seemed they were coping so much better and were so much cooler then me, etc.)

I realise now I must have been horrible at times, but I'd like to think my parents would say I'm a much better daughter now!

aliasojo

I feel for you. I (lovingly?!) describe my son as tffyo (testosterone fuelled 15 year old) and up until a couple of months ago, he was a total nightmare.

Ironically enough, he held down 3 jobs at one point and was held in such high esteem by his main employer that employer asked if he could be cloned and he could just employ son and sack the rest.

I didn't recognise this person as being my son! He was a little (*insert seriously strong sweary word here*).

He started 'the change' on the day of his 13th birthday and got worse and worse. He'll be 16 in a few short months and thankfully the worst has passed. He still has an attitude problem and he has the same opinion as op's daughter about school and it beng 'his life' etc, but he is definately nicer than he used to be. I expect that in another few months he will return to being my lad and we can rebuild the friendly relationship we used to have.

I looked everywhere for advice when he was at his worst as I couldn't believe my son who was my pal, had become this nasty person. I read somewhere that something in their brain changes around this time and it makes them 'different' until their bodies adapt to the changes. It is a slow process and some kids can have problems between the ages of 13 and 15......which described my son fairly acurately!

I had to keep telling myself that he didn't choose to be like this, he was as much at the mercy of his hormones as I was. I have to say though that when things were really bad, I absolutely hated him and considered decanting him off onto ex-husband! He didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, steal or anything else like that, he was just really unpleasant to live with and I was constantly stressed.

I hope you manage to ride the storm ok.

Maybe we should have a dedicated 'stressed parents' board where we can meet up and discuss all things teenagers, lol. Complete with virtual bottle of wine of course.

robnye

i have 3 daughters

14 (15 in march)
12
9

the 14 yo, went through her harry enfields 'kevin' period when she was 12/13, but now she is at the same stage as your daughter.

the 12 yo, is now going through the 'kevin' phase and we stillhave the youngest to go through it as well....... oh joy

anyway, i dont think it is anything to worry about, you just need to remember teenagers are finding there feet in the real world.

mine are always so good for others and at aschool, but get them home and they become wild banshees. always got a reply, never said anything wrong, knows it all (12 yo), always saying you dont understand, takes 15 minutes of interrogation to find out that something happened at school the day before yesterday............ who'd be a parent :eek:

divadee

I could of been your daugther honestly, i was so horrible and nasty when i was 15/16. But we all go through that sort of phase some worse than others, i would do as others have suggested and ride it out to some extent, but also i would let her know some ground rules for at home as well.

If she is being really mouthy and swearing at you and her dad i would tell her that. that sort of behaviour is not acceptable in your house. Set a time to be home etc..... and hopefully she will stick to it.

Also she is just getting to the age where she wants independence and thinks she knows all about the big bad world and that she is indestructable, these are normal feelings and we all have them when we are that age, i would just say guide her along as best you can without being the 'interferring mother' as she will see it, also if she makes mistakes thats the best way for her to learn, be there for her but let her make her own mistakes.

I was a hell brat to my mum and dad and now i call my mum about 3 times a day and she is one of my best friends, it will get better i promise you as you sound like a loving caring family.

crana999

i had got a lot better by the time I was 15 but when I was about 13/14 I must have been a real pain to my mum, in trouble at school and nasty at home. I think a lot of it comes down to the stress of exams (in your daughter's case?), general growing up things, boy problems, all that kind of stuff that teenagers often aren't mature enough to deal with properly and just end up turning it all into nastiness. teenagers often KNOW they are being right b*tches but don't have the self control to stop.

in general I'd do as other posters set and try to set some clear boundaries (curfews etc) but make sure she knows that you still love her even when she's being a right little madam. try not to get in too many screaming matches, if things are getting heated say "Let's talk about this in a bit when we've calmed down" or similar.

make sure you praise her for stuff she does right etc

carly

Hi toozie
I have to agree with all the other comments. I have two daughters, both in their twenties and went through this sort of behaviour with the eldest one. ( who incidentally is now a thoroughly nice young woman with two degrees and caring for the mentally ill ) We actually laugh together when we recall how vile she was! And Boy!, was she hard work!
Try not to set too many (unimportant)rules, only ones that really matter to you , or concern her safety. This gives her less to kick out at. As others have already said, keep lines of communication open, keep talking to her and telling her you love her (even when you dont feel that you do ). Home was the only place my daughter was horrible, everyone else, school, family and employer thought she was wonderful and couldn't understand my worries. eventually i worked out that home was the only place she felt safe enough to rebel without fear of rejection.
Keep doing what you are doing and I am sure you will all come through it ,although it hurts like hell at the time. All the best

toozie_2

Thank you everyone.
It was a battle zone again this morning, but now I've read the above, I know I'm not the only one tearing my hair out. I've prionted out the replies, hid them at the bottom of by bag, and when the going gets tough I'll lock myself away and re-read, and then emerge calmly to carry on!

The thing I can agree with you is that her teachers think she's doing fine, and the baby-sitting families love her to bits. But when that key goes in our front door, the red horns grow, and the monster explodes into life!!! Usually the monster thrives until school the next morning!!

I do feel so much better now, and I will change my attitude towards her as well, and try and persuade Mr. T to keep calm.

Thank you xx

rizla01

Hi Toozie,

Oh Dear.

My only thought on this, having brought up 3 (1boy and 2 girls) now in their thirties, is that they didn't do a very good job bringing their parents up, did they?

How DARE you object to them being nasty, ignorant, selfish and disrespectful.

If only we were blessed with the knowledge of a seventy year old but with the wisdom of a seventeen year old. (or should that be the other way round)

My only peice of advice is - please don't let it get you or the other half, down. It can have lasting consequences.

I think that, like children, if they can see that they are affecting you they will be even worse.

And the best of British!!