Nightmare 15 yr old daughter

[Deleted User]

My sympathies to you!

Sorry if i missed this but wondered what her father's opinion on her behaviour is and does he have any influence? I remember always pushing Mum more than I did Dad, maybe because she was around more.

Is there any possibility of sitting down with her and talking/discussing constructively without criticism why she is behaving like she is? Can u explain to her how it makes you feel, the consequences of her behaviour. I know teenagers are difficult, but i wouldn't have wanted to make my parents lives so miserable. Try turning it round, ask her to think how she would feel if roles were reversed. Or how she would feel if her friends treated her like she treats you?

As you said its not as if she doesn't know how to behave and what's acceptable.

If this doesn't work, then i'd seriously consider repurcussions to her actions. Maybe not allow her to babysit or remove her tv in her room until she apologises. This might cause more ructions, but i guess she knows she is being horrible and allowed to get away with it. Try putting some boundaries in place, allow some stroppiness, after all she is 15, but not to the point you can't relax in YOUR own home.

She is not a child or an adult, but she still needs to have respect for others around her.

I appreciate its not a easy position and i hope you haven't taken my suggestions the wrong way. Please keep us informed.

elona

I agree with some of the earlier comments that she is probably stressed by the idea of exams and the big wide world etc. and that she lashes out while at home as she feels safe there.

A lot depends on what her behaviour actually is! It is possible to use perfectly acceptable words and phrases in such a way as to destroy the atmosphere completely by the tone in which they are said - In that case it is very difficult to take them to task without things escalating.

If you can see her as a frightened little girl who acts worse the more scared she is that might help.


If she is actively aggressive - violent or abusive then she needs to be brought up short and told calmly and firmly (while your knees shake) that this is not acceptable.

What seemed to help in other cases was giving the person a big hug and saying you loved and were proud of them - especially when your gut reaction was to run screaming from the house.

The best of luck and I do know what it is like - just grit your teeth and I promise it really will get better.

sleepy

Hi, it's not that long ago that I was a nightmare teen myself (I'm alsmost 21 now). Trust me, it will end eventually.
At one stage (when I was about 14/15/16) my mum and I argued every morning before I went to school and so every morning I told her I hated her and stormed out slaming the door!

The worst thing I remember about being so hormonal was the tears. I would cry at anything and everything. Then I would laugh at myself for crying, then I would cry even more because I was laughing, it was horrible.
I think that a problem with me and my mum was that we were both really stubborn and neither of us would give up in an argument so we would argue for hours.

I would suggest never leaving your daughter to cry on her own. Often if I was crying in my bedroom, I would cry extra loud so someone would come and comfort me. The hard part of being a teenager is that you want to be grown up, but you are also going through so many life changing events (puberty, GCSE's, choosing A-levels or alternatives, getting a job, having your first serious reltionships) that you want comforting and being told that everything will be ok.

I think it also helps to remember that you are the mum and the adult and should act like one. My mum would try to be my friend and used to chat to my friends when they came round about what boys they liked - it drove me up the wall. I respected my mum most when she acted like an adult and set rules and boundries. I remember telling a friend that although my mum was strict about what time I had to be in, I thought it showed she loved me because she cared enough to worry.

I think most teenagers feel a lot of conflicting emotions, and that makes them quite angry. The fact that most teenagers are well behaved in public, and with non family members is because they've been brought up well and know how to behave. They feel safe at home, and know that you'll love them no matter what, so can act out their emotions at home.

But don't worry, you'll be the best of friends in about 10 more years!

Caz2_2

Hi toozie
I have 2 stepsons, my own son and a daughter. My daughter became the daughter from hell at 15, I went to bed with "my kid" and woke up with someone elses. The lads were all ok, no problem. I think between the ages of 15 and 18 are really bad, for kids. My daughter is just about turning 20 now and feels really guilty when i talk about the 2 years that she was hell. I'm not prepared to go into it here but your daughter sounds ok at the side of her.
Things I did wrong.........
1) I was confrontational
2) I pushed her away by trying to control her behaviour
3) I thought the worst of her behaviour, and expected the worst.
4) I blamed her friends
5) I made it hard for her to talk to me
6) I quivered when she came in the door

Things I should have done
1) Thought about how insecure she felt about life
2) Not blamed her friends
3) written her a letter expressing my concerns and left it on her bed to read and waited for a reply (always did this when they were young)
4) trusted my instinct when no one else believed me
5) I SHOULD NOT HAVE TAKEN IT PERSONALLY. This was her problem and she didn't mean what she said

Things I have learnt since
1) She had low self esteem
2) The little things are not worth aguing about
3) suddenly at 15 she felt like a kid in an adults world and didn't think she could cope. Responsibilty has a bad effect on her
4) she wanted to please everyone and her peers
5) she wasn't as strong as I thought

We are very close now, she was here today and now I LISTEN.
However I still feel that there are reasons for a child changing, life is not easy for them nowadays and you shouldn't be niave. Any parent will only know 70% of whats going on, if you listen well and be patient and kind you may find out the other 30%. This is only my experience. I hope it helps. PS I think crana 999 had it summed up well good luck.

JayS_3

Hi Toozie

I know it's hard, I've two sons so I get the masculine version of it. You mentioned how well liked your daughter is out of the home, take it as a compliment and be flattered, this is how she wants to be viewed when she is on her best behaviour (you taught her this behaviour, otherwise how would she know how to behave in polite company).

It's better she is horrible at home, and nice outside of home; than vice versa.

Someone pointed this out to me, I've always remembered it and it helps when I want to tear my hair out.

Best wishes, remember there are loads of us out here going through the same sort of stuff.

JayS

Savvy_Sue

JayS wrote:

It's better she is horrible at home, and nice outside of home; than vice versa.

Someone pointed this out to me, I've always remembered it and it helps when I want to tear my hair out.

That is so very true, isn't it?

You could try swapping her with someone else's daughter for a weekend, give both mums a break.

toozie_2

Well....I'm now in a fair happier frame of mind.

Situation is still the same here, but I'm more confident in dealing with "Kevin".
In fact last night we did have a small civil conversation!!

I work between 9 and 3, this morning Mr. T is home so he's in charge of the school run while I go to work early. He is going to TRY and adopt my new approach as well....I hope.

Tensions are quite high in the house at the moment because daughter Number Two (yes, I've got more up and coming 'Kevin' trainees) is sitting her mock SATS, and has hardly revised at all! She prefers to be a the trampoline-bought with an LX Direct code from here!!!

Hey Ho...

Queenie

Caz2 - I applaud the honesty of your post! It's BRILLIANT reading.

I have learned, through experience:-

1) Shouting and screaming will get your dh nowhere. DD will lose respect for him; shouting and screaming is a Teens job, not the parents

2) Don't sweat the small stuff! You'll end up on a downward spiral.

3) Work out (and DISCUSS with her) what "rules" are imperative to be kept. Clearly *her* safety is paramount. She also needs to be involved in that discussion - she's striking out for independence and trying to learn who she wants to be.

4) I agree sooo much with an earlier poster - be the ADULT!

The fact that she is "pleasant" everywhere else is your badge of pride that you're doing your job RIGHT! You'd have far more to worry about if the reverse were true: great at home, monster outside :eek:

IGNORE, ignore, ignore! Don't get pulled in to petty things.
Praise, praise, praise! It must be genuine; must sound convincing (and the odd reward alongside it is good too! )

Finally, I survived teenagers when I rediscovered my sense of humour (which, at one point I thought they'd robbed). I stumbled over the following quote when I was out shopping and whenever I felt near to bursting I would remember it:

Only a Mother of teens understands how an animal can eat her own young.

Practise deep breathing - it'll save your sanity. Good luck.

hilstep2000

My sympathy's Queenie! My daughter is now 18 but still has days where I could murder her! When she starts shouting "It's all your fault!" I used to shout back, then I thought where's it getting me? All hot and bothered that's where! So now, I just ignore her completely, won't answer any questions or threats, and eventually she gives up and usually storms off! A few hours later, she's okay and apologetic.

Don't be too hard on your daughter, I know it's easy to say, but remember GCSE's are so stressful, (I've got a 14 year-old son so I've got to go through it again in two years!!) even if they're expected to get good grades, the pressure from the schools is awful. I told my daughter that it didn't matter if she didn't get good grades, just try her best. In the end she didn't get good results, but since has gone to college, got so many certificates (including 4 City & Guilds qualifications) that I was astounded!

Hormones play a big part too, and also apparently, teenagers brain stems are still growing, which adds to the problems!

So hang on in there, it will pass, and she'll soon become the lovely girl you've always known. In the meantime, come back here, and talk to us who've been there, we'll prop you up!

Caz2_2

Toozie
Hi, why don't you tell your daughter you have something for her to read and bring her to the computer. Let her read this, it shows how much you care about her, you could start a discussion about her life and how she feels. Ask her to describe how it is in "her world", what you don't understand about her life she might tell you. In fact she could reply, telling us lot the best way to deal with teenagers. Just an idea.