Nightmare 15 yr old daughter

rushnowt

Savvy_Sue wrote:

Rushnowt, does your daughter not care about disturbing her siblings by throwing a tantrum at midnight? Trust me, I can believe it if she doesn't, my eldest used to be appallingly dissociative, and even now he doesn't care for anyone in a touchy-feely way, but on an intellectual level he realises that we can't all do just exactly what we want because we all want different things!

If you can find a parenting class aimed at teenagers, I would recommend it. It may give you other strategies you can use, but it will certainly give you some more moral support. We wicked mothers must stick together!!!

Hi Sue,

Unfortunatley she doesnt give a damn about anyone, she would kick up the same fuss regardless of whether the others where sleeping, sick or anything, she'll do it anywhere, anytime, no matter whos about.

I joined a parenting class 4 years ago called living with teenagers, it gives you ideas on how to deal with situations and behaviour etc, it did help me to become calmer about stuff and gave me a better idea on how to deal with stuff rather than just getting angry and shouting back all the time,

I still go now, once a month we have a get together with other mums ive become friendly with in the same boat as me and it helps to just top up on stuff you've learned but sometimes forget.

The problem is though that no matter how much ya learn, it doesnt mean that you can apply it, i was explaining that i have no control and if i say she cant go somewhere or do something she just does it, and i cant stop her and one of the guys there who works for juvenile offenders, said to me, "make her" but how do you do that, i cant physically stop her, either i'd hurt her and be in trouble for it or she'd attack me and i'd have to take it its an awful situation to be in but i cant see any way out.

Savvy_Sue

rushnowt wrote:

Unfortunatley she doesnt give a damn about anyone, she would kick up the same fuss regardless of whether the others where sleeping, sick or anything, she'll do it anywhere, anytime, no matter whos about.

What's sad about her not caring what effect she has on the younger ones is that eventually I can see them not caring about her, and not liking her much, and that's hard.

rushnowt wrote:

I joined a parenting class 4 years ago called living with teenagers, it gives you ideas on how to deal with situations and behaviour etc, it did help me to become calmer about stuff and gave me a better idea on how to deal with stuff rather than just getting angry and shouting back all the time,

I still go now, once a month we have a get together with other mums ive become friendly with in the same boat as me and it helps to just top up on stuff you've learned but sometimes forget.

The problem is though that no matter how much ya learn, it doesnt mean that you can apply it, i was explaining that i have no control and if i say she cant go somewhere or do something she just does it, and i cant stop her and one of the guys there who works for juvenile offenders, said to me, "make her" but how do you do that, i cant physically stop her, either i'd hurt her and be in trouble for it or she'd attack me and i'd have to take it its an awful situation to be in but i cant see any way out.

We are all in a bind, aren't we? There is no way I could 'make' any of my boys do anything now, the older two are bigger than me and the little one's getting there, but fortunately they don't shout back at me if I lose my rag and they get the message that I mean business and they had better get moving and do what I've asked before I start throwing things! It's scarily like my mother at times, but I don't think I use the emotional blackmail she used to! Hope not, anyway. I don't do it just for effect, as she seemed to, I do it when it all gets too much! And then I stop, and apologise, and the air is clearer and they're a lot more responsive for a while! I am sometimes tempted to shout just for effect, but I have resisted.

I'm thinking back to the Toddler Taming book I used to find so useful, and the 'controlled crying' method the author suggests, and how he suggests you implement it if the crying is going to affect other people which is why you have been dashing to the rescue the minute the toddler cries. I think his suggestion was that you talk to family, neighbours etc and explain that you were trying this new method of getting your child to sleep, and that short-term there might be some disturbance but you hoped it would not be for too long.

So if there's some way you could get to bed before your DD comes in at midnight and asks you to do her laundry (and I'm a fine one to talk!), would that help? No I know you won't SLEEP before she gets in, but you won't be her ready made audience? And if she then develops the habit of putting her music on at full volume or crashing round the house, buy the whole family earplugs. And so on. Explain to the others that X isn't being very considerate, you know it's not fair on them, but you hope she'll grow out of it ... I'm starting to waffle and not making sense, I'll go to bed, shall I?

Tony_H_3

Gulp!!......

I haven't read all of the replies coz it's too late my eldest has just turned 18, but let me tell you 15 / 16 was an absolute nightmare.

Rule #1 - Set your rules and stick to them (You and your partner)

Rule #2 - Your daughter will alway's be right, she will make mistakes be there for her.

Rule #3 - When the going get's tough ignore her with a passion, it may last 1 day, a few day's may'be even a week. If she doesn't comply with Rule #1 & 2 carryout Rule #3

Rule #4 - Rule #3 is the most important.

Mrs_Thrift

I'm sorry Tony, I know it must have worked for you, but I can tell you it wouldn't for everyone. Just reading Rules 3 and 4 has brought a tear to my eye, because if my parents had ignored me when the going got tough (and believe me it was very tough, very often from about 12 - 18) I dread to think where I would be now, or if I'd even be here.....

I could be really horrible, especially to my Mum, but I have fantastic (in a strange way) memories of her somehow seeing through the anger to the pain and frustration and letting me cry it out when I'd done with the shouting.

I just wish I could explain exactly what she and my Dad did and how they did it, during my (and my brother's) teen years, but I can't put my finger on it I'm afraid.

Remembering how awful I was, though, all you parents have my complete sympathy, but it does get better.

rushnowt

Well, this mornings been a great start I'd noticed the other day my bottle of expensive perfume had gone missing, so i went on a search and find mission, i found it under the covers on my daughters bed, so i took it back and said nothing, then this morning i noticed it had gone again. This time I couldnt keep my mouth shut, so when she came down stairs, I said "do you like my perfume" she replied "yea why" gggrrrrrr.

She started going on and on " what are ya saying i cnt use owt now blah blah blah" i was in shock LOL.

Everyone is provided for in my house, and wants for nowt, however i do have a couple of really expensive treats that have been given as gifts and ive asked everyone not to use them cos there for mum's treat days. everyone is fine with this barring my eldest, for some reason she feels its her god given right to use what she wants when she wants, and thinks nothing of using half the contents in one go. :mad:
and to be honest its not just mine either, she will take anyone stuff she's used almost all my other daughters makeup and takes anything else she see's that she likes the look of.

My mums suggestion is that i should lock everything away so she cant get to it, i dont feel i should have to do this and i think its a bit extreme, but do ya think she's right ? would i be best to have everyones stuff under lock and key to keep it safe

Spendless

I'm tempted to agree with your mum but then mine aren't teenagers yet.

A friend of mine moved into a house where they had 3 teenage sons and found that every bedroom door had its own lock and key.

Did anyone see Brat camp last night? One of the kids was sent back there before getting to the airport the first time she was picked up by her parents.

Another had only been home 2 weeks before he went back to his old ways.

As an aside telling a friend about my dilemma with the CTF - she has a 19year old and a 5 year old, she told me that her MIL had saved money for the eldest one which will be given to him at 28. The 19 year old has moaned about money that's coming to him but they won't give hin yet. The reply was 'when you are 28 you will realise why you weren't given the money at 18'.

Curry_Queen

I've only just ventured onto this board and read this thread and oh, how I wish I'd found it earlier. Rushnowt, you have my deepest sympathies as I have a slightly older (20) male version of your daughter, only worse if that's possible, so I know exactly what you're going through. Reading some of your posts here has had me in tears to be honest

I hope you don't think I'm hijacking your thread but I really need someone to talk to about recent events and everyone here seems so understanding and have experienced similar problems.

This last month has been sheer hell for me and my youngest son (12) since my eldest walked into my home unannounced and decided he was going to stay. Throughout the month we've had to endure his erratic mood swings with constant verbal abuse and insults and it all escalated into violence last night when he attacked both of us. He kicked and punched us both and tried to stab me with a screwdriver and we had to fight him off for almost an hour before the police arrived to arrest him :mad:

I've been bottling all this up over the weeks, not able to go out to escape from him (I have agoraphobia) and having no help or support or anyone to talk to, I was completely powerless to do anything about it. It's all had a dreadful effect on my health, but what upsets me more is the effect it's all having on my youngest. He's been through so much already having to cope when I've been ill and now this and I just don't know what to do anymore

To fill in a bit of background, he hasn't actually lived with me since he was 13 because of problems with him getting in trouble with the police and schools etc so he went to live with his dad as I couldn't cope with his behaviour any longer. Since then he has been hell bent on ruining his own life, and anyone else who comes into contact with him ... getting kicked out of school after school, taking drugs, going to prison etc and just being a general nightmare to everyone involved.

Over the past 3-4 years (when he hasn't been inside) he's moved from hostel to hostel, had 2 council flats that I helped him to furnish which he abandoned after they got trashed (either by him or drug dealers chasing him) and even had a room in one of these young people (16-25) places where they have onsite wardens but was evicted for having drugs on the premises. He's even stayed with either me or his father on occassion but that's always been very short-lived because of his behaviour and the drugs, as we both have other children to consider too.

He left school at 15 as no school would accept him and has had a couple of jobs since but neither lasting more than a few weeks so has relied on benefits or whatever to get by. Because of his lifestyle of drugs & crime and flitting all around the country to escape people he owed money to he has no friends left.

I don't know where he'll go from here and I feel so guilty that I've basically kicked him out onto the streets but what choice did I have. I really feared for our lives last night when he was attacking us and I can't risk him doing it again

Pollen

Hello Curry Queen,
Can I offer you my heartfelt thoughts on your situation. Firstly you need to make sure that you and your son are safe - you said the police were called, this should have been recorded as a domestic violence (DV) incident and a futher assessment should take place of your situation following their attendance. There should be a local domestic violence officer/unit who is/are there to support you and who have the knowledge to help you deal with the practicalities, perhaps an alarm needs to be fitted to enable you to summon help if required. If they do not contact you, do contact them as they are trained to deal and advise regarding incidents such as this. Secondly do contact Women's Aid who will be able to give advice & support and if need be shelter - do not suffer in your isolation, you have a right to feel safe. Finally, have you been in contact with any support groups via Narcotics Anonymous who offer links to family support groups.

http://www.recovery.org.uk/links/linkhelp.html -

It's so easy for women and mothers to feel isolated and ashamed of situations outside there control. Until your son takes responsibilty for his actions (which may be some time ahead) you need to learn techniques for your own wellbeing. By doing this you will also be helping him and your son of 12. Thinking of you - with love.

toozie_2

rushnowt wrote:

Hiya toozie

I'm so pleased you had a great time, and hopefully the calmness will prevail ive got everything crossed for ya.

I know this is a bit personal, but has she started her periods yet ? could it be that, thats making her irritable and troublesome ? maybe it was a phase she had to go through and she's seen the error of her ways whatever the reason i wish you all the luck in the world and hope things remain just the way they are now. x

I used to do a lot of excersise, but for one reason and another mainly this site lol, i dont get round to it much, maybe i need to take some time out and do it again, but i do find it theraputic being on here lol

Hi Rush

Yeh she started her periods about 12 months ago, she was a late starter-like me! She's been fighting with her sister tonight, and she's in a panic about a school project/piece of course work that should have been in yesterday, and its all my fault coz we've been away for the weekend-even tho she's probably had the work for months!! just can't win!

There's some real horrer stories on here now. It's a worry that my parenting skills have nurtured this teenage monster, and it sounds like I may have worse to come. We have set ground rules, that are being kept as far as time keeping is concerned at the moment, but as many of you say, I would not have the power to enforce any rules if she wanted to break them.

All take care.

Curry_Queen

Thanks for your reply and suggestions Pollen

Somehow seeing it all written down in black and white has made it all the more real and I'm struggling to come to terms with what's happened. The mention of domestic violence, which obviously this is, has brought all the awful memories flooding back of my situation with his father 20 years ago. he was often violent too and I put up with it for a few years before finally getting an injunction against him, which he broke and ended up in prison for. Feels like history being repeated

I had to make a statement to the police last night so presumably he will be charged for this but I haven't a clue what will happen if they need me to go to court as there's no way I can get there. I'll cross that bridge later though. I've been a complete nervous wreck all day expecting him to show up here for revenge any moment and my youngest is too scared to go to school in case he's lying in wait somewhere for him. It's all a bit of a mess really. The police mentioned something about Victim Support but I've not heard from anyone today. I'm not sure how these things work