Pregnant and don't know what to do

Curious_George_2

i doubt this will help (but hey... you did ask!)

we are unsure about having a third child, some days we are all for it, some days i cant think of anything worse (the financial side, our smallish house & the smallish car which both fit 4, but not 5... all the endless problems i had during pregnancy and delivery etc)

but i have to say.... if i found out i was pregnant today, well then its job done...
decision made and we would get over the shock, sort out the problems and manage just like everyone else does,
i think the jump from no kids to one is a lot scarier than two to three!

also you say your bubs is not even one yet, so you must still have a house full of baby stuff, other than nappies and possibly milk there wouldnt be many costs...

but.... no matter what family, friends or us lot say... this decision is up to you and what feels right for your family,
dont let anyone pass judgement on you or your choices, nobody else has to live with them

katiesmummy

hi,

there are two sides to every coin, and only you can decide what is right for you at the end of the day.

if you decide to keep the baby, are there any ways you could earn some extra money? doing a boot sale, or getting a job in the evenings just until you have bubs, mystery shopping (if there are a lot of assignments in your area this can be quite good), avon, cleaning, ironing etc- you get the idea! this would at least enable you to put some money away in anticipation of the new arrival

if you decide to terminate, it has to be your decision, between you and your partner. having a termination is a huge thing emotionally, and if one of you isn't happy with it, it can cause a huge rift between you. i had a termination 8 years ago at the insistence of my ex-husband who said he would leave me if i didn't. it took me a long time to get over it emotionally, even though i now realize it was the right thing to do.

there is no easy answer to this- my best advice would be to think about it for a while and then decide.

good luck. if you want to talk then just pm me

princessl84

I think you know instantly if you want a termination (well i did. I balled my eyes out when the test came up) I had one a a while ago after finding out i was 5 weeks gone but me and my h2b knew instantly that we were not ready (may not apply as you already have kids) although i am 25 and we have been been together for 4 years. I was so down when i found out because i didnt want to give up my standard of living.

Now i feel so much better and no longer have this big thing hanging over me but we have planned that in 2011 is when we are getting married and 2012 we will try to have kids.


Sorry for the long post. What i mean is you know if you dont want to have it and you know when you do.

MrsTinks

Unlike many on this forum I think that we have a primary duty of care towards those children already here and with us. Right now it's only a tiny cluster of cells - it's not a person yet. In my book that is.
The way I would look at it (and this is me!) is that would I be able to give my existing children a life I feel would be the best for them? The world is overpopulated already - it doesn't need more children. If you feel you can financially as well as emotionally care for another one then maybe you should keep it - if you think ALL your children will have to go without if you have a 3rd then in my mind the choice would be made...

gorgeous_gwen

Yes MrsTine this is what I have been thinking about this morning. I already want to spend more quality time with DS and bubs and of course bringing another baby into the equation is going to affect this.

Financially I don't think actually having a new baby is going to cost us much extra as, as someone mentioned, we have things obviously now that can just be used again, like pushchairs, cot, clothes, those sorts of things. It's the what I think of as 'indirect' costs (not explaining myself, hope it makes sense!) that I foresee being problematic, we'd need to move to get an extra bedroom, a bigger car, consider things like holidays, childcare.

Emotionally I know another baby would be very much loved by all of us, including our close families and friends, and there would be no shortage of help practically. If I'm being totally honest however, with bubs getting towards being one soon, I have been enjoying being with bubs a lot more because I am not tied 24/7 (which is hard, I fully breastfed which is a committed choice but can be emotionally straining at times) but now bubs is having sleepovers at nanny's and we feel more comfortable being away for a couple of hours, I have been feeling like the balance is about right, and with my partner being a great dad and stepdad, I get good quality time with DS after school - of course I'd like more of that time but there's never enough hours in the day is there?

I was looking forward to getting back into work too: I have been looking at this (and all other points) from both sides, eg yes I was looking to get back into work this year but of course, that can be put off with no real implications except putting off saving for our house deposit.

We've given ourselves the weekend to mull this over and going to still see how we feel in a couple of days. Thanks for letting me talk everyone.

BitterAndTwisted

I suspect that, given OH's desire for two children originally, when the disclosure is made the way forward will be much, much clearer. It's not an absolute certainty that this 6-week bundle of cells will make it past the first 13 weeks as it's not completely unknown for some pregnancies not to progress past this naturally.

Money_maker

I dont see it as cells, sorry. If you can love this child like the others then there's not much difference between 2 and 3. The youngest two will amuse each other and hopefully always be close.

Shame it has to come down to finances (IMHO). We would never have had children full stop had we looked at it like that. No one knows what lies in the future but your plans could be thwarted by any number of events. When you make your decision, ensure it is something you will not regret years down the line.

Good luck - ensure you review your contraceptives for the future.

Curious_George_2

op - i think you already know what you want to do and are just looking for.... 'permission' for want of another word,
in many situations people want someone else to make the big decisions and then take the blame if it feels wrong afterwards
but this is a massive life changing point in your life and only you and OH can decide whats best,
asking a forum will always get you a very wide range of opinions on something like this... some are very pro choice, some pro life, some pro adults, some pro children.... but at the end of the day when you click your computer off me and all the other names on here vanish and you could be literally left holding the baby

I think you and hubby need a very long hard chat and to come to an agreement your both happy with,
good luck with whatever you decide xxxxx

mrcow

Gwen - not trying to get too personal, but I remember when you were pregnant last time and soome of the posts you made about perhaps feeling a little unsupported by your OH. Do you think that this has changed from last time?

I have three children and we are all very happy together but........it's hard. You can't do this if you're not getting the emotional and practical support that you need.

I think you need to give it more than a weekend. I would say agree to sit down after a few days or so once you've both had a real chance to explore how you are feeling. Either way, it's a big decision and one that you need to agree on.

gorgeous_gwen

mrcow, I would have to say that my partner did a complete about-turn when bubs was born. He is a fantastic dad and very much a devoted partner, I feel fatherhood has brought out the best in him. The days of worrying about his commitment are gone, I feel very much supported, he does an awful lot as well as working full-time, he is very hands-on and says we're the best thing that's happened to him

So yes he's changed... However we are both realistic in realising that three children is a lot to take on (which obviously you will know about!)

I'm swaying from one option to another every hour as is he. Luckily tonight we have some child-free time together so we're going to talk together, alone. I agree just a weekend is not enough time, I suppose that was initially to see if we both came up with an immediate same decision.