Pregnant and don't know what to do

gorgeous_gwen

This evening I have just found out that I am pregnant and I don't know what to do...

I have two LOs already, oldest is primary age from a previous relationship and youngest is soon one. Me and my partner had discussed whether we would want any more in the future and decided that two was enough for us, I know he finds it quite stressful (although he is great with the kids) and I struggle at times. We have been making plans for the future financially, as we felt we were finally getting on our feet, gathering money for a house deposit amongst other things.

I feel incredibly stressed! I have complete mixed feelings, everything practically says it would be a bad idea to have another, we would need to move somewhere bigger, we have only just been getting by for a while and are at a point where I can look at returning to work and things are slightly easier financially, and I have put off plans to study for my career to look after the kids and I will end up having to do this again.

We receive a lot of support from family with the kids and I feel it would be stupid to add another child, increase the stress when at times we have trouble coping with the ones we have. Don't get me wrong, I adore them both, but it's a matter of practicality and I feel our priority is the ones we have.

I also don't know if I want to go through a pregnancy again, or go through labour. Without being too specific, both times there is something fairly 'unusual' that happened which caused me a lot of stress towards the end and being honest after bubs was born I felt that was it for me.

I also worry about my partner's feelings. Bubs is his and his only child, so I am well aware that ultimately this could draw a line under the matter of whether he has any more children. I know he would like another, but also that he would support me in whatever decision I made.

However, my heart would love to have his baby... Sounds silly doesn't it given everything I've just said but I adore him, and I know we'd both be forever wondering what our potential child would be like, which we were discussing earlier. I know he would find it difficult emotionally if we decided not to have this baby, as of course would I, but I don't know. I keep thinking, how will I feel about each option, ten, twenty years down the line, and how will my partner feel? I don't know if I can live with wondering forever what our baby would have been like...

I think I'm about 6 weeks gone, so quite early in.

Any advice would be welcome.

Minxy_Bella

Firstly, congratulations!

My feeling that every baby is a blessing and it's happened for a reason. Yes, it will be tricky. Yes, you will be more skint. Yes, you'll be rushed off your feet. But you love the father and that's wonderful.

The jump from two kids to three is a big one and you'll be kept busy (!) but you'll never be lonely and as you watch your children grow, you'll realise that three is a magic number!

xxxxx

Tanzie

Oh you poor thing, it is a very hard decision to make, I had to make that decision in my teens and the best advice given to me was that often our hormones make us feel very differently from what our heads are telling us. In my case it really was the hormones making me want to keep the pregnancy, but I was only 18 and having a child would have been catastrophic for me then. I know your current situation is different, but what I am trying to say is either way I don't really think you will live with regret, because whatever you do is the right thing at the time.

What contraception were you using? I really feel for you and hope it all works out well.

JBD

TBH, I think you already know what you want. It sounds as if you want to have the baby but are frightened by practical difficulties that may lie ahead. It is very early days and you do have quite a while to think things through so just take your time to make the decision that is right for you.

pigpen

From someone who has 8 children, you love the father, you love your other children.. if you have room in your heart for another things WILL work out.. it may be bit of a struggle for a bit but the things in life that mean the most to us are the ones we have invested most time and effort into.

Congratulations!! and I'm certain in 2 years time you will look at your little one and be unable to imagine life without him/her.

jenhug

go for it.

gorgeous_gwen

Wow so many replies already!

Had to chuckle at the 'I'll never be lonely' bit someone said as bubs is at the stage where I am not allowed out of the room or out of sight or else there is trouble so bubs follows me everywhere

My partner is lovely and very supportive towards me but I know he has his own mixed-up feelings which I am trying to be considerate of. I know he'd always wanted two children, then we had bubs and decided to stick at that, but now obviously it has brought up feelings for him about potentially having the other child he always wanted which I completely understand.

I feel daunted, I also worry that family and friends would pass comment, although well-meaning, along the lines of why don't we concentrate on the ones we have? Sometimes although I am thirtysomething I can be reduced to feeling like a small child IYKWIM!

I know that if I only had one child, I probably wouldn't think twice about having this one.

And it might sound selfish but I want to start concentrating on work, increasing our standard of living and spending more time with DS and bubs, this last bit and I'm a stay at home mum anyway! I'm just not sure how this all fits in...

BitterAndTwisted

If you go ahead with this pregnancy your future career plans will only be deferred by about 18 months in exchange for something so much more wonderful. I'm not sure the adaptation required from a family with two children to three is that radical . Kids can share bedrooms so it's not absolutely vital to need to move to a bigger house. You have a happy marriage with what sounds like a wonderful man and I'm sure he'd be over the moon. I'd go ahead and thank the heavens for the opportunity. It was meant to be.



p.s. I'm childless myself and never planned to have any children

xmaslolly76

Congratulations OP

I feel for your decision i had to make a similair one with my first child. We had everything booked for the termination as on paper we just couldnt afford a baby. Fortuately my heart over ruled my head and i just couldnt go through with it and i had my beautiful DD who is 11 now. We coped yes it was hard but she was so worth it.

I know have 3 and i am expecting my 4th it really isnt that much harder than two the older two you will find will want to help and eases alot of the pressure.

Your family sounds lovely and i hope everything works out for you no matter what you decide. best wishes Lolly x

JBD

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I feel daunted, I also worry that family and friends would pass comment, although well-meaning, along the lines of why don't we concentrate on the ones we have? Sometimes although I am thirtysomething I can be reduced to feeling like a small child IYKWIM!

I know that if I only had one child, I probably wouldn't think twice about having this one.

And it might sound selfish but I want to start concentrating on work, increasing our standard of living and spending more time with DS and bubs, this last bit and I'm a stay at home mum anyway! I'm just not sure how this all fits in...

Please don't pay any attention to what family and friends say. It is your decision not theirs. Thirty something is not too old to have a child. And plenty of people manage perfectly well with 3 or more children. Your family and friends really should support you in whatever decision you make.

fernliebee

I would just add that money wise babies can be very cheap, but get more expensive as they get older. If you deferred your career plans for 18 months or so, by the time the kids were older you would be able to afford the things they need. This is what we are doing, we have DD and another on the way. I have completed my degree but still want to do a PGCE in primary- so as soon as I am ready to go back to work, our income will dramatically improve as I have the higher earning potential ATM, but couldn't leave my babies to return to work.

Personally I couldn't terminate a baby if there was even a teeny, tiny chance that we could look after it (ie had kids already, somewhere to live etc) however if you did decide to terminate it is ultimately something only you and DH would have to live with. Don't let anyone judge you for it- it's your decision only!

Good luck in your decision.