Pregnant and don't know what to do

pigpen

I quite agree tandraig.. he is basically copping out of any decision making and saying whatever decision she makes will be wrong as far as he is concerned.. TBH.. having 2 already another won't make any difference at all really..

rachfriar78

Hi Op really pleased that you have managed to speak to someone, I know how difficult it is as I have recently been in a similar situation myself.

My husband and I have both got children from previous relationships so we always said we didn't want one together, it was a joint decision.

On the run up to our wedding I was so stressed I was late taking my pill but didn't think anything of it, didn't think for one minute about asking him to wear a condom, totally didn't enter my head. 4 weeks after we got married I realised I was late on so done a home pregnancy test, that line soon changed colour and I thought holy cow what am I going to do. Dreading telling hubby as he always said if I ever got preg he would leave, all day long I sat upset and worrying about his reaction. That night he got home so I tried to tell him and the words weren't coming out, eventually from what i was saying he guessed and his first words to me were you aren't having this baby, gobsmacked wasn't the word lol. As it was so late he said we will talk tomorrow about it, I ended up crying myself to sleep that night. Next morning as it was the monday before xmas we were taking his mum shopping so everything carried on like nothing had happened but when we got home and talked I said I would have an abortion, just to keep the peace as such, also presuming his elderly mum and his 22 year old daughter wouldn't be happy about it, my decision wass made on the grounds of how everyone else would feel not how I would feel. That night my husband asked me what I wanted but jusst kept saying i will have a termination, wasn't what I wanted and he knew that so he said to me to take a few days out to think about it and then we would speak. He told me if I had one I would regret it, he knows me really really well.

Next morning when we got up i told him I had decided to keep the baby and he said he was really pleased that I had came to that decision, he told me when he found out he was really shocked and everything he said came out the wrong way. Once I had got my head around it I started to get reaally excited and looking forward to it until about 2 weeks later until reality sunk in and kept asking myself could we afford it, would we manage etc etc got myself in such a state and my husband said we will manage somehow and you know what I know he is right, if it means him working a few extra hours a week he will do. In theory we are pretty much like you we could do with a bigger house with this one on the way but my two boys (8 and 10) can share a room so baby can have the little room. We have had to give our florida holiday up this year as we will of been away when baby is due, we will have to give it up for a few years until baby is old enough to understand but it's only a holiday we will have something so much better than florida. We are going to have a bundle of joy wwhich will give us pleaseure for the rest of our lives. My husband is now so excited about baby coming along, he is getting involved in everything even chose the pram with me and bought nappies, a few times he has come home with baby presents.

Again i worried how I will cope but told myself I have coped before and wwill cope again, going from 2 children to 3 isn't much difference or I hope not haha.

If money is worrying you you will manage somehow, you will cut corners in other ways to give your children everything they need.

I just wanted to say whatever decision you and your husband come to OP I wish you both luck x

gorgeous_gwen

I really don't know what I want... I think different things depending on the minute/hour of the day. I have made another appointment for next week so ideally want to have decided by then.

I do want him to be brutally honest which I've told him. He did say when we were talking earlier, when I was explaining about how I'd like him to share the care with DS a bit more, he did say that from his perspective, he has other people and things in his life apart from me and DS, which I accept is true (but isn't it of most people?) but I just found it such an odd thing to say- especially coupled with what else he said about if I wanted, I coul dhave the baby then he'd move out with our baby and the new baby and I live with DS- I mean, what's that all about???

Money_maker

Thats a very good question, gwen. What on earth is he thinking and why would he move out with the two babies? And who else is in his life that is even a fraction as important as you and his children?

Is there something else going on here that you don't know about?

Honestly, the posters on here can say what they like but the only person who can answer your questions is your OH. Are you sure you heard him right? It sounds as though you had half a conversation with him. You know, like when you go into hospital and the doctors try to explain what the problem is and you nod and agree and when you get out of the building its like what the heck were they on about, I have lots of unanswered questions.

This has to be a heart to heart with both contributing and explaining their comments until it is completely talked through. Every question you have needs to be answered and every comment you make has to be heard.

Hope you understand what I mean.

pigpen

Has he actually thought about what he is saying?

He wants you to make a decision.. he will hold that decision against you for the rest of your life.. and if YOU choose to have a baby he doesn't want.. he will move out and take it with him???

Surely this doesn't sound weird to just me?

I think I'd slap him round the head TBH.. lol..

I would totally disregard any opinion he has on the matter and do exactly what I wanted.. he obviously has no interest or else he would actually be aware that outside of work hours you and the children are number 1 priority. If you want the baby, have it. You will manage we always do.. and going from 2-3 is such a breeze compared with 1-2.. so your life goes on hold for another year so what.. but after this one I think it sounds like permanent measures need to be taken in order to not be here again in another year or 2.

Or rephrase the question you put to him in simple terms..

So, are we having this baby or not?

My OH is useless when it comes to big decisions and that is exactly how such a question would have to be put to him otherwise I'd get an 'I don't know' or he'd blank the question totally..

You either do want the baby and are afraid to tell him so knowing he will throw it back in your face every time you say you are tired or skint or fed up of being stuck in the house for the next 2000 years

OR

You don't want the baby and are too scared to tell him knowing he will throw it back in your face every time you so much as look at a baby for the next 2000 years.

Either way you can't win as far as he is concerned so do what you want.. and tell him if he isn't man enough to make an informed decision he loses any right to offer an opinion.

The Amazon women had the right idea!

mrcow

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I really don't know what I want... I think different things depending on the minute/hour of the day. I have made another appointment for next week so ideally want to have decided by then.

I do want him to be brutally honest which I've told him. He did say when we were talking earlier, when I was explaining about how I'd like him to share the care with DS a bit more, he did say that from his perspective, he has other people and things in his life apart from me and DS, which I accept is true (but isn't it of most people?) but I just found it such an odd thing to say- especially coupled with what else he said about if I wanted, I coul dhave the baby then he'd move out with our baby and the new baby and I live with DS- I mean, what's that all about???

That sounds very odd.

You say he's being supportive, but from what you describe, he just sounds like a complete knob.

What is he even talking about? Is he saying (in a roundabout way) that he wants to (or is considering to) leave you?

mumslave

I agree that going from 2-3 is a breeze, its much more of a shock to the system going from 1-2.

I dont understand his comment there to you either, I agree that you need to find out what he meant by that. Is he thinking in a weird way, that taking the two youngest and raising them is giving you the 'support' you are asking off him? Does he actually understand what support you want from him, or is he guessing? Finally was that said in an argument or just in passing as such?

redpete

What your husband is saying is confusing, maybe that's because he is confused. Even trying to make a decision on purely practical considerations doesn't give a clear answer. But this isn't just a decision of purely practical considerations, it is literally a life-changing issue.

It seems that you are worried about what the consequences of having the baby might be for you and your family, for me this would not justify the abortion but of course I'm not in your position.

rachfriar78

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I really don't know what I want... I think different things depending on the minute/hour of the day. I have made another appointment for next week so ideally want to have decided by then.

I do want him to be brutally honest which I've told him. He did say when we were talking earlier, when I was explaining about how I'd like him to share the care with DS a bit more, he did say that from his perspective, he has other people and things in his life apart from me and DS, which I accept is true (but isn't it of most people?) but I just found it such an odd thing to say- especially coupled with what else he said about if I wanted, I coul dhave the baby then he'd move out with our baby and the new baby and I live with DS- I mean, what's that all about???

Oh sweetie, I feel ya pain I really really do, you are going to be up and down and feel different minute to minute. This is going to sound harsh but if you are thinking of going down the abortion route you need to detach yourself from the fact that you are pregnant. I think when you start to look at it as a baby your judgement becomes cloudy. You need to think what is best for you and in many ways you alone.

Your very last sentence has worried me alot, why the hell would he want you to have the baby for him to take the younger child off you and the new baby. Sorry that would start ringing alarm bells in my head straight away!! I would sit him down and ask him exactly what he meant by that sentence and I would be a red rag to a bull and not let go of it until he told me. I think your OH needs to tell you straight how he feels and what he wants out of this pregnancy. Hope you two manage to talk and get everything straight x

tandraig

gwen? what does he mean by he has other people and things in his life apart from you and his son???? who on earth could be as important to him?? did he have a previous family? have i missed something here?
why would he want to take his son and the baby he doesnt want if you have it? the only explanation i can think of is that he doesnt mean the coming baby but his baby and your son???? leaving you with the new baby? but he cant take your firstborn can he as its not his biological child.
I would sit him down and ask exactly what he means because he isnt making sense right now!