Pregnant and don't know what to do

Marcheline

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

he has other people and things in his life apart from me and DS, which I accept is true (but isn't it of most people?) but I just found it such an odd thing to say- especially coupled with what else he said about if I wanted, I coul dhave the baby then he'd move out with our baby and the new baby and I live with DS- I mean, what's that all about???

Looking at it from a different point of view (because from what you've said earlier it does not sound as though he's keen on the idea of termination on the whole) maybe he means if you are not willing to have his child, then he may not be willing to stay with you? Or if you only decide to have the baby to please him, then he will be happy to care for he/she and your other child together, but not you and your DS. Do you see what I mean?

I have been in a similar situation with a unplanned baby and I now have a wonderful 3 year old. I'd just graduated, yes it wasn't ideal, I was terrified of giving up my job to become a full time mum and yes I was as confused as you about what to do.

I asked myself some difficult questions, which I'll put to you now: could you live for the rest of your life with your decision? To me, the fact you're talking about "a baby" would signify to me that you couldn't. It's one thing if you're able to kid yourself it's just a ball of cells, it's quite another if it's a baby to you. If your abdomen was transparent, how would you feel?

gorgeous_gwen

His comments, I feel were said as he wants us to have the baby, and has felt my doubts and resistance. Lashing out, he said I could have the baby (he wants) and he would leave and look after mine and his biological children, leaving DS (not his biologically) with me. Yes as one of you has said, in a perverse way taking the pressure I feel off me.

The comment about him having other things in his life was in reaction to me saying I would need more help and support with DS in the everyday things. Stuff I mentioned were things like sorting out notes from school, making his lunch, taking him to parties, giving him snacks, basically the many little things I do without thinking but my partner could just as easily do.

We've often talked about the dynamic within the household and we both agree that my partner doesn't need to be a replacement dad for DS. DS sees his biological father on a regular basis and has a good relationship with him. It was talking about this that prompted his comment about the other things in his life apart from us (me and DS) which did hurt me. He did then add I needed to 'see the bigger picture.'

What he meant by it? I'm still not really sure thinking about it. It wasn't about any other previous family of his. My take is that he feels the pressure at times, things get hectic at times, as family life does, and I think if I'm being honest he feels annoyed as he thinks DS's dad could do more and he has to pick up the slack at times. Although on a day-to-day basis when we're going through the daily routine he actually does a fair bit for/with DS, when he stops and thinks about it, he does feel resentful towards my ex, and I think there is a certain degree of yearning back - crazy actually as he is totally dedicated to our baby and he wouldn't be without bubs for the world.

And I have been trying not to think of the baby as a 'baby' IYKWIM but it is very hard. I haven't previously had strong feelings as to when a baby becomes a baby, but my partner said something earlier when we were talking, about how if we did decide not to have this baby, when we looked up at the night sky, at the stars, he or she would always be a little star looking down on us and it really choked me up, it is now thinking about it. I just feel so terribly guilty.

He also said the only way we could go without feeling any guilt was to have the baby, which is true, similar to something a previous poster said about how you could regret having a termination but you'd never regret having a child. Food for thought but my head isn't any clearer.

Money_maker

I see now. He really wants this baby but you want him to help out more with your DS. The little bits you mentioned were the things that the mum does that most dads don't even realise need doing. Would it help to get organised the night before or pass the bab(ies) over to him whilst you spend time with DS?

The star thing would indicate to me that he really will struggle with his feelings if you have a termination. Keep talking although it sounds as though his mind is made up.

pigpen

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

The comment about him having other things in his life was in reaction to me saying I would need more help and support with DS in the everyday things. Stuff I mentioned were things like sorting out notes from school, making his lunch, taking him to parties, giving him snacks, basically the many little things I do without thinking but my partner could just as easily do.

And so he should .. if he wants to live as a family unit DS IS part of that unit so he accepts him as he would one of his own otherwise resentments build up which will inevitably affect DS, he isn't second class because he is not his he is a little boy in need of love and care!

We've often talked about the dynamic within the household and we both agree that my partner doesn't need to be a replacement dad for DS. DS sees his biological father on a regular basis and has a good relationship with him. It was talking about this that prompted his comment about the other things in his life apart from us (me and DS) which did hurt me. He did then add I needed to 'see the bigger picture.'

He may not need him to be a 'dad' but he is a father figure and OH should realise andaccept his role.. he took you on as a package deal he can't just ignore the fact you sn has needs too! He should count himself lucky my new OH acquired my 8 children a daughter-in-law and a grandson!

What he meant by it? I'm still not really sure thinking about it. It wasn't about any other previous family of his. My take is that he feels the pressure at times, things get hectic at times, as family life does, and I think if I'm being honest he feels annoyed as he thinks DS's dad could do more and he has to pick up the slack at times. Although on a day-to-day basis when we're going through the daily routine he actually does a fair bit for/with DS, when he stops and thinks about it, he does feel resentful towards my ex, and I think there is a certain degree of yearning back - crazy actually as he is totally dedicated to our baby and he wouldn't be without bubs for the world.

but he would happily be without your DS?

And I have been trying not to think of the baby as a 'baby' IYKWIM but it is very hard. I haven't previously had strong feelings as to when a baby becomes a baby, but my partner said something earlier when we were talking, about how if we did decide not to have this baby, when we looked up at the night sky, at the stars, he or she would always be a little star looking down on us and it really choked me up, it is now thinking about it. I just feel so terribly guilty... mission accomplished.. he wants you to feel guilty!

He also said the only way we could go without feeling any guilt was to have the baby, which is true, similar to something a previous poster said about how you could regret having a termination but you'd never regret having a child. Food for thought but my head isn't any clearer.

oh you can very much regret having a child.. you start getting your life back on track, your friends have moved on from nappies and snot and you are still up to your ears.. You ask my mother!!

mumslave

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

His comments, I feel were said as he wants us to have the baby, and has felt my doubts and resistance. Lashing out, he said I could have the baby (he wants) and he would leave and look after mine and his biological children, leaving DS (not his biologically) with me. Yes as one of you has said, in a perverse way taking the pressure I feel off me.

The comment about him having other things in his life was in reaction to me saying I would need more help and support with DS in the everyday things. Stuff I mentioned were things like sorting out notes from school, making his lunch, taking him to parties, giving him snacks, basically the many little things I do without thinking but my partner could just as easily do.

We've often talked about the dynamic within the household and we both agree that my partner doesn't need to be a replacement dad for DS. DS sees his biological father on a regular basis and has a good relationship with him. It was talking about this that prompted his comment about the other things in his life apart from us (me and DS) which did hurt me. He did then add I needed to 'see the bigger picture.'

What he meant by it? I'm still not really sure thinking about it. It wasn't about any other previous family of his. My take is that he feels the pressure at times, things get hectic at times, as family life does, and I think if I'm being honest he feels annoyed as he thinks DS's dad could do more and he has to pick up the slack at times. Although on a day-to-day basis when we're going through the daily routine he actually does a fair bit for/with DS, when he stops and thinks about it, he does feel resentful towards my ex, and I think there is a certain degree of yearning back - crazy actually as he is totally dedicated to our baby and he wouldn't be without bubs for the world.

And I have been trying not to think of the baby as a 'baby' IYKWIM but it is very hard. I haven't previously had strong feelings as to when a baby becomes a baby, but my partner said something earlier when we were talking, about how if we did decide not to have this baby, when we looked up at the night sky, at the stars, he or she would always be a little star looking down on us and it really choked me up, it is now thinking about it. I just feel so terribly guilty.

He also said the only way we could go without feeling any guilt was to have the baby, which is true, similar to something a previous poster said about how you could regret having a termination but you'd never regret having a child. Food for thought but my head isn't any clearer.

I think in this case, the baby is meaning more than 'just having another baby' to him. As you say, your DS doesnt need a replacement dad, has a dad whom he sees regularly. You are asking your OH to do more to help you with DS and perhaps your OH feels worried about how that will change the dynamics in the house. Will your little man be happy with OH doing things with him, that he doesnt normally do? WIll your DS feel as though your OH is trying to replace his dad? Thoughts like these may be in your OH's head or not.

What your OH said about the baby becoming a star in the sky, do you really think it was an attempt to guilt trip you? Or his way of trying to comfort you, if you do decide to terminate? Its actually quite a lovely thing to say, the fact that he doesnt feel you are just 'getting rid of a bunch of cells' and understands that if you do have the abortion, you may feel grie'. He is also right, unfortunately, that the only way to not have any guilt, for either of you, is to have the baby. My husband and I worked that out almost straight away, which made everything so much harder, we had to think how we would manage to live with the guilt.

He sounds like a good dad to me, a good partner, whom is just being very honest. I do understand that the things he is saying makes this decision all the harder for you both. Keep talking, as much as you both can, I really hope you can resolve this soon.

OP on a gentle note. How far along are you now? If you were going to terminate, would you be wanting to avoid the surgical side of it? If so, I was told nine weeks along was the furthest you could go before it would have to be surgery. I am mentioning it not to upset you, so sorry if it has, but there can be a bit of a wait unfortunately, if thats the decision. Best wishes to you both.

gorgeous_gwen

mumslave wrote: »

I think in this case, the baby is meaning more than 'just having another baby' to him. As you say, your DS doesnt need a replacement dad, has a dad whom he sees regularly. You are asking your OH to do more to help you with DS and perhaps your OH feels worried about how that will change the dynamics in the house. Will your little man be happy with OH doing things with him, that he doesnt normally do? WIll your DS feel as though your OH is trying to replace his dad? Thoughts like these may be in your OH's head or not.

What your OH said about the baby becoming a star in the sky, do you really think it was an attempt to guilt trip you? Or his way of trying to comfort you, if you do decide to terminate? Its actually quite a lovely thing to say, the fact that he doesnt feel you are just 'getting rid of a bunch of cells' and understands that if you do have the abortion, you may feel grie'. He is also right, unfortunately, that the only way to not have any guilt, for either of you, is to have the baby. My husband and I worked that out almost straight away, which made everything so much harder, we had to think how we would manage to live with the guilt.

He sounds like a good dad to me, a good partner, whom is just being very honest. I do understand that the things he is saying makes this decision all the harder for you both. Keep talking, as much as you both can, I really hope you can resolve this soon.

OP on a gentle note. How far along are you now? If you were going to terminate, would you be wanting to avoid the surgical side of it? If so, I was told nine weeks along was the furthest you could go before it would have to be surgery. I am mentioning it not to upset you, so sorry if it has, but there can be a bit of a wait unfortunately, if thats the decision. Best wishes to you both.

He does think of our 'situation' as a baby which prompted his musing about the star in the sky. He feels guilt too, and I saw that as his way of comforting me, something he told me he'd been thinking about if we chose that option.

I did want to avoid the surgical side if we go that way. I do have a few weeks yet as where I am, I was told they can use the medical method up to 12 weeks- not sure why it's different as I thought it was 9 weeks as a standard. I do hope we've decided by the end of this week as I have another appointment to talk and we need some kind of resolution, I need to know what we are going to do.

pigpen

After 8-9 weeks it is nigh on impossible to find a hospital offering medical management as it becomes significantly less effective they usually then make you wait until 11/12 weeks to have surgery.. regardless of what it says on the internet, pg cousellors and the GP say.. saves them money you see.. they don't like giving medication then having to do surgery anyway.

miss_independent

Just wanted to say say for the OP, I am really concerned that I really feel from your posts that you are not in the right frame of mind to decide to have an abortion. I am really worried that if you did have an abortion, you may suffer alot emotionally as, as you yourself say, you are struggling to see your baby as anything but a baby. I see you are in a very difficult situation and completely sympathise with you. I am currently training to be a counsellor for a charity working with women, who amongst other issues, need post-abortion counselling.

Unfortunately, often women think that having an abortion will make all the problems they face if they carry on with the pregnancy go away. But alot of other issues can be left after having an abortion. In the situations I see alot of women go to places like Brook, Marie Stopes and the Pregnancy Advisory Service and they say something alone the lines of "I really can't cope with a baby, I need an abortion", and these women are in bits at that time and the advisors agree that they can't cope and that abortion is the best route to go down rather than dealing with the wider issues the woman is facing. But it isn't always the best route to go down, regrets and guilt can often be there and some of your comments (like the one about the stars) are waving up red flags for me. I am glad that you say you have sought impartial advise. I really hope it is impartial. No one can make your mind up for you but I hope your advisor is also talking with you about the option of having the baby as well as termination. Are they asking questions such as "to cope with another child, what would you need emotionally, physically and practically?".

If you haven't already, I urge you to call LIFE's helpline, you will find someone on the other end who is non-judgemental, and who will listen to you without trying to pressure you into anything, they offer support during pregnancy, post-abortion grief counselling and also practical support if needed after the child is born for as long as you need it. At this stage you have nothing to lose by calling them - 0800 915 4600. Good luck with making your decision.

Person_one

miss_independent wrote: »

If you haven't already, I urge you to call LIFE's helpline, you will find someone on the other end who is non-judgemental, and who will listen to you without trying to pressure you into anything, they offer support during pregnancy, post-abortion grief counselling and also practical support if needed after the child is born for as long as you need it. At this stage you have nothing to lose by calling them - 0800 915 4600. Good luck with making your decision.

Be wary of LIFE, they are actually strongly anti-abortion and not remotely impartial:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LIFE_(pro-life_organization)

Marcheline

I would be wary of Marie Stopes (a major part of their business is abortion after all), BPAS and Brook. They are all strongly pro-choice and did not offer what I would call practical counselling support to me.

LIFE, although pro-life, will give you some balance if you have already been to see a pro-choice counsellor and you will lose nothing by weighing up your options with them too.