Pregnant and don't know what to do

gorgeous_gwen

Person_one wrote: »

I'm quite angry at your partner's response. If he feels a termination would be unforgiveable then he needs to do something practical to make having this baby easier for you.

He gets to hold his love and support over your head like this based on your decision when you are the one who would be facing all the negative consequences? (your physical and mental health, your time, your relationship with your existing children). You admit that you're the one who would be doing most of the work, well if he wants this baby so much is he going to step up and help and support and do his fair share of the actual day to day looking after the baby?

This is actually very insightful. I hadn't thought of it so concisely but that is it.

He is actually very hands-on with our baby, in that respect I can't fault him at all. What I did mean about me doing most of the work is that I am a stay at home mother and would be breastfeeding. However you are right, there is all the other stuff such as the school run, helping DS with home work, ferrying him around to clubs, friends houses, parties and so on. I tend to deal with all this as well as looking after baby in the day. If I could know he'd immerse himself 100% in being a father figure to DS I know I'd feel a lot better, to be able to share parenting duties more. He does do quite a lot, however I have noticed it is the things that are fairly harmless or don't take up much time. Things like parties and trips to the cinema he refuses, saying they're "my" thing. It's crazy really because he's been to parents' evenings, helped DS read, takes him to the park and so on, but if it's something he's not personally interested in IYSWIM, he won't help. He won't help out on a trip to the cinema in a couple of weeks for example that I organised as a treat for DS which has made me really cross.

jackieglasgow

Then you need to tell him. What if you do have this baby, and it gets worse? What if you don't and you split up anyway because these things are just underlying symptoms or causes of cracks in your relationship.

I agree totally with Person_One, I was quite cross to read this, too. If he is worried that he'll resent you not having this baby, it's good that he's voiced it now, but he has to "step up" and make himself more available now, so that the pattern is laid down before the baby is born, if that's what you decide to do.

I'd just be worried that he is not being supportive enough to you just now to say it's OK to have the baby as I'll look after you, I'll make sure I do my damndest to make sure you don't go through what you went through before.

I'm sorry this is a bit rambly, but as someone who had terrible pregnancies and births and PND I have decided not to try and have anymore children, much to both our disappointments, as I couldn't in all honesty expect or rely on my OH to put up with what it did to me and US - but I know 100% if it happened by accident, we would have the baby, and we would try our best to get through whatever came along with it, and that my husband, no matter how much it scares him, would step up and be a man.

That's part of being married, "for better, for worse", and in your case, considering terminating your child must be "the worse". You made those vows together, and should make those decisions together.

I wish you all the love in the world, you sound like you really want this baby, and you just need your man to give you the reassurances that everything will be OK eventually. Maybe you should wshow him this thread

tandraig

I'm sorry, but to me saying that the termination is up to you then turning around and saying he may never forgive you for it, is doublespeak! either he wants this baby and is willing to do whatever it takes to make things work - or he doesnt and if you had a termination, would never, ever mention it again!
I can just imagine in future arguments he would shout 'but you killed my baby even though i wanted it because it was too much work for YOU'!
maybe i am being unfair, but this is what it sounds like to me - he wants YOU to make the decision - and whatever happens he comes out looking like a saint - where you will be cast as the bad guy!
I am so sorry hun, this is so miserable for you, and i hope i havent made things worse, just giving my honest opinion.
its just a thought, but if you really cannot go through with a termination, and cannot keep the baby, then there is always adoption to consider. (wonder how your OH would view SOMEBODY else bringing up HIS child?)

mumslave

I dont think its going to help if you and your OH fall out here OP. Just as you are very confused, I am sure he is too and there will be a lot of things getting said that may not be meant. Unfortunately he is in a no win situation himself, whilst it is his baby too, no matter what he does, ultimately the decision will be yours, its your body that will have to either do pregnancy or go through termination. I am not defending him per se, rather than stressing how important it is to support each other just now, its not his fault he cant be the one that has to make the end decision, anymore than its your fault that it has to rest with you. Support each other as best you both can.

pukkamum

mumslave wrote: »

Hi there,

I can symapthise fully with what you and your partner are going through. In february last year I found out, much to our total horror, that I was expecting our fourth baby. It wasnt planned at all, we spent around a week crying, shouting, blaming each other....crying some more. I said straight away that there was no way in hell I could have a fourth child. We had just begun to get our debts sorted out, my son was all of 5 months old (i have a 4 and 3 year old too) I felt mentally I wouldnt be able to cope with the demands of four children. It was a hellish time, in that I made and unmade appointments for termination. Like you, I knew in my heart I would of course love any baby that was my partners, but all the 'head' issues seemed impossible to overcome.

Eventually, we sat down, wrote out all the pros and cons to having the baby. We knew to ever be able to forgive ourselves having an abortion, we would have to go through the cons and KNOW that there was nothing we could do to make them not longer a con. As it was, by the end of the night, there wasnt a single con left, we had found a solution to everything from where the baby would sleep, our budget, how we would manage with another. So that was it decided for us, there was no way we could have a termination. I began to get so excited about another baby.

On my daughters 4th birthday, 2 weeks later, I miscarried the baby. I have never been able to believe I didnt cause it to happen somehow, from not wanting it so badly to begin with. Had the miscarriage happened a few weeks before, I would have maybe been relieved....but I dont think so. I was devastated, absolutely and immediately knew I wanted to try for another. Funny how something like that happening can change your perspective.

Anyways, I hope you and your partner can come to a decision thats right for you all as a family. I would really advise you keep on seeing someone whom can stay impartial and expect to keep going back and forth, making and breaking decisions. One day you will make a final one and that will be that. Just be absolutely certain, when it comes to termination, too many ladies have them and spend the rest of their lives regretting it.

In terms of coping with a new baby, well, you just do, dont you. Having had children close together (eldest was 14 months when second was born, 3rd is 16 months now, with baby due 20th feb) I think its hard to see light at the end of the tunnel, but you soon are looking back, thinking, they have grown soo fast. You will manage because thats what mothers do.

This made me cry big big hugs (i can't do the fancy hug symbol thing!)
Best of luck with the new lo xxxx

gorgeous_gwen

I explained about what I said (the wanting more support with DS) and he acknowledged what I said. I also think it is right that he is confused too and I do need to acknowledge that.

I also explained that I felt very hurt about his inference that he may resent me. He said he did not mean it to come across like that, what he meant was he was worried that his feelings and the dynamic in our relationship could change if we choose not to have the baby. I see where he is coming from, I think someone has touched upon it as a lack of control- that is, ultimately it is ME who decides so I think he feels a bit helpless.

We seem to go from moments where we feel we are very much together and could take on the world to feeling very separate and opposed. I also feel very detached from this pregnancy, which I suppose is natural given the circumstances at the moment, but is very strange for me.

tandraig

hun, what you say about feeling detached - I would say is stress, you really need more help here. go back to your gp and tell them!
if your partner states that your dynamic could change if you didnt have the baby - then he isnt supporting you is he? just re-iterating his stance. hun - all the pressure is on you right now - thats not fair - not in an equal relationship!
oh - and he isnt helpless hun - havent you realised yet the pressure he is putting on you to to terminate - yet to distance himself from it???
If you want me to spell it out I will, and you will prob not believe me.
I think your OH wants you to terminate the pregnancy, but doesnt want to tell you so, i think he is thinking financially or practically - perhaps some part of him wants another baby, longs for another one sometime in the future - but he wants YOU to make the decision. not fair - it should be both of you!

Money_maker

I actually think your OH is being honest. He's just facing up to the fact that he could resent you for it, not that he will. Cards on the table, this is his future son/daughter in the balance and he needs to be painfully honest now before it's too late. More talking is required so you can both agree on what's to be done, that way you will not end up blaming each other for a joint decision.

Preschoolers can be hard work, but the time goes quickly. I had 'bad' labours and births, struggled with my first, had the second 15 months later, had no family around to help out, felt very lonely. We had no computer so no internet either!! Number three came along 11 years after my second. Was also a grizzly, colicky baby.

How proud am I of my children. Two teenagers and a 2 year old, all well mannered, polite, well behaved kids excelling in various areas. They are everything to me and I wouldn't change a thing.

mumslave

it also sounds ot me like he is being quite rightly honest about how he may feel. My husband said something similar when deciding to have the baby we lost. At the time, I think he thought that he needed to say something like that, to try to help me make a decision, in his own funny little way. But I also think a small part of him meant it, had I gone ahead with a termination, he would have resented me some. Because he already had our other children to see what we would be losing. One thing we really struggled with was knowing that twenty years down the line, when the kids would be getting married say, we would always think...there should be one more to watch get wed...he would have resented me and I probably would have resented myself.

It is far better he is as honest as possible as hard as it makes things for you.

The feeling detached I would say is entirely normal. Its a way of protecting your heart, if you let yourself get attached to the baby, then it will make decisions even harder. I know I didnt allow myself to even think about the baby until a decision was made. I dont think its a problem, as in a concern you may not bond with baby during pregnancy if you do decide to continue. As soon as we knew we were going to have the baby we lost, I found within a few days I felt very much attached. I hope that helps some.

tandraig

sorry, but, I think this lady wants the baby, her OH wants another baby - but down the line when he thinks they can afford it. he says he is supportive - but he already thinks he may resent her for terminating???? alarm bells here!!! stripped down to basic facts - she cant win can she?
If I were OP - would give him ultimatum. he says yes to abortion and its not mentioned again - or have the baby and either keep it or give it up for adoption.
BUT - it has to be with OH full endorsement - right now, I feel that the OP is not getting her OHs full support.